In my recent post about decoding Momisms, I realized that not only have I officially become a mother, I may have officially become MY mother. Not that she was bad, she was and is wonderful, but she spoke a language of cliche "parentese" that I swore would never pass my lips. No, I would never say "Because I said so," as I intended to have long conversations with my brilliant offspring in which I would explain my decision and discuss my reasoning ad nauseum.
I mean, they deserved to be talked to like adults, right? No quickie threats, or illogical arguments? Well, at least that's what I assumed when I was one of them. Now, I realize those phrases were uttered to stop from have conversations ad nauseum about EVERY LITTLE THING or because they were simply quick, to the point, and preserved sanity.
Here's a list of those things we swore we never say categorized by style -- the question is, how many of these and how many have passed your lips? (I've already said variations of 13 of them and I appear to lean towards the illogical and the sarcastic, but I'll throw in a threat every once in a while -- you know, to spice things up.)
- Don't look at me with those eyes.
- Children are to be seen, not heard.
- If you keep making that face, it'll freeze that way.
- If you want to act like a child, I'll treat you like one.
- Quiet down, I can't even hear myself think.
- One day you'll thank me.
- Because I said so, that's why!
- As long as you're under my roof, you live by my rules.
- G-d gave you a brain, use it.
- Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.
- Are your legs broken?
- If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you?
- Oh, Jen's mom lets her do (Blank), fine go live with Jen's mom … I'll help you pack.
- Shut the door, were you born in a barn?
- Your room looks like a cyclone ran through it.
- Talking to you is like talking to a brick wall.
- Let's play the quiet game.
- Someone better be bleeding.
- Where are your manners - were you raised by wolves?
- I'm not asking, I'm telling.
- When you have kids I hope they're just like you.
- Don't you use that tone with me Mister/Missy.
- Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about.
- You better wipe that look off your face.
- Don't make me: tell you again / come back there / turn this car around et al.
Well what's your score and what did I miss?
Jenny Isenman AKA Jenny From the Blog is the humorist behind The Suburban Jungle.com. Twelve years ago she answered this ad: "Seeking highly motivated person, who requires little sleep, to cook, clean, wipe tushies, noses, and countertops… oh, and provide occasional sex. Person will be overworked and under-appreciated. Prior experience is frowned upon. Always on duty. Will pay nothing." I mean, she got married and started a family.