My unofficial list of the top parenthood puzzlers.
- Diane Clehane, BettyConfidential.com
I've been a mother for almost five years now, and I've learned that the older my daughter gets, the less I feel I know about child-rearing with absolute certainty. As I prepared for motherhood, I read all the requisite books-and a few more about parenting an adopted child, since our daughter was coming to us from China. Now I realize that none of the books can possibly unravel the true mysteries of parenthood. Sure, they can teach you about what milestones your child should hit as she grows, but when it comes to deciphering the day-to-day goings-on of childhood, and the parental craziness that goes along with it, you're on your own. Here's my list of the top 35 brain teasers that I've pondered over the years.
1. Why do so few toys with sound come with a volume-control button?
2. How did the goodie bags at kids' parties wind up costing more than the present for the birthday child?
3. Do the shows on Nick Jr. end five minutes before the half hour just so kids are well into the next show before we can get them away from the television?
4. When did scheduling playdates become more complicated than planning the annual family vacation?
5. Why does Buy Buy Baby have a whole wall of different baby bottles to choose from?
6. Why don't celebrity moms just come clean and say they don't eat anything for six months after giving birth?
7. What will it take for mom-from-hell Kate Gosselin to finally go away?
8. When did quilted shopping-cart covers become required equipment for toddlers?
9. If you cover your kids in Purell after every encounter with the outside world, why do they still get the sniffles every two weeks?
10. What could possibly justify a stroller costing $800?
11. Does anyone really make glitter that washes off?
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12. Why would anyone want their three-year-old to dress like Mariah Carey?
13. Who are those crazy parents that allow their little girls to participate in beauty pageants-and have reality-TV producers tape the whole spectacle?
14. Is there any way to convince teenage girls that Uggs are the ugliest shoes ever made?
15. How long can a child eat the same exact meal without dulling her taste buds forever?
16. When did it become necessary to buy school supplies in July?
17. Why does time go so slowly if you get to school 15 minutes early for pickup but flies if you're five minutes late?
18. If you let your kid watch a whole afternoon of television while you try to "work from home," have you done her irreparable damage?19. Does anyone really get anything done "working from home"--and if so, do they give classes?
20. Why does a parent talking on the phone trigger a blue streak from a usually non-communicative toddler?
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21 Is a truckload of homework necessary for a third-grader?
22. How is it that the most important conversations you have with your kids always seem to take place on the way to or from school when there's no time to really talk?
23. Why do people insist on bringing babies to the movies?
24. Why do people hire babysitters without checking references?
25. Who are those women who bring their nannies along to shop at the mall?
26. Is there any cartoon character that isn't on a box of fruit snacks?
27. Is it just me, or is Miley Cyrus the most annoying teenage starlet in recent memory?
28. When will Suri Cruise finally launch her own line of high heels?
29. When did the Tooth Fairy's exchange rate go up to five bucks per tooth?
30. Shouldn't designers like Ralph Lauren give parents some sort of rebate on purchasing bigger sizes when a kid grows out of a sweater in under three months?
31. Does anyone really care what Tori Spelling has to say about motherhood-and if they do, are they willing to admit it?
32. Is there any mother who can get through watching The Parent Trap, starring Natasha Richardson and Lindsay Lohan, without crying?
33. Why doesn't the kid on Two and A Half Men leave those two losers and go live with his mother?
34. What would happen if we actually let kids be kids?
35. Why didn't someone tell us how amazing motherhood really is? If we'd known it was this great, we would have done it sooner.
Betty's multi-tasking parenting columnist is a New York Times best-selling author who covers fashion and entertainment for publications, including People. When she adopted her daughter from China in 2005, she discovered motherhood provides great material on a daily basis. Between driving her daughter to nursery school and juggling play dates, she writes and is at work on her first novel.
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