Pregnancy and Anorexia: How Do I Grow a Baby when Growing is My Biggest Fear?

I admire your honesty in your struggle, and I'm going to try really hard not to admonish you- because you've already realized it was a bad idea to get pregnant before you had your issues ironed out. Just trying to do what's best for you and baby, and have a support system in place- you will need it. Enlist Daddy, your own parents, friends, neighbors, whoever you can because I know for a fact that motherhood- especially the early months- is EXHAUSTING in its own right, and you will find yourself having less energy to fight off your dangerous and damaging urges.

You are so brave for sharing this with the outside world, especially with people who may look down on you. I wish you and your baby the absolute best and send good vibes your way!

Wishing you the best in recovery and motherhood. I agree with Robin to get your support system in place. You sound determined enough to make sure that your little blessing is taken care of...and first and foremost that means that mommy is taken care of also, in all the ways that may be needed.

You lost me when you criticized your nutritionist's fashion choices after they gave you very sound advice. If you're mocking someone for wearing elastic waist pants that I would suggest that not only is anorexia about control but also about feeling a little bit superior to people who aren't super skinny like you are. I agree with the nutritionist. It would have been better to deal with your own issues before rushing to have a baby. Being a parent means that from now on your life is not all about you. Get used to it.

I have no pity for you! You are incredibly selfish and self centered. To willing bring a child into this world without even giving them the proper nutritional start of life in your tummy. Your eating disorder was caused, as you said, by your lack of control and a need to control something in your life. I doubt you will be able to control a toddler and the stress that comes with a child alone. You don't mention a husband or even family that could help you. Even if you feed and properly raise that child all the while they will know something is seriously wrong with mommy who won't eat. Get therapy!

Uf, I don't think it's a good idea to have a baby before you've dealt with you issues. I really don't. Raising a child is more than just feeding her/him. It's also providing emotional stability, which at this point you don't see to have. But I guess it's too late to preach now. I hope it works out.

Get more therapy. Most pregnant women must gain 20 to 30 pounds to deliver a healthy baby and the must eat some fats.. its crazy not to. Your baby is building brains in there which need the fatty stuff.

Also, if you have a child, will you pass this weight psychosis on to them? I bet you might. Will your daughter be anorexic because you are? Will your son believe all women hate their bodies? It's not just you here.

Here's my problem... regardless of whether you are able to overcome your anorexia during your pregnancy, it seems that you are hardly "recovering" to me. Essentially, you are "recovering" solely on the behalf of someone else--your baby. That's better than the alternative of not recovering at all, but it doesn't get to the root of the issue, it merely masks it.

You say that you gained a false sense of self worth from anorexia and that anorexia gave you a false sense of control? What makes you think that having this child isn't going to exacerbate the control and self-worth issues that you already have?

First of all, children destroy all sense of control. Children are a rollercoaster ride -- they get sick, they get hurt, they get in trouble, they defy you, they make stupid mistakes. You will not have much control over your own life in the beginning (what with the constant feedings and waking up in the middle of the night etc.) and you won't have much control over your child's life in the end (what with teenagedom and adulthood down the line). If you thrive on control, you can kiss control goodbye the second your baby is born.

Second, if you take all your self worth from having your baby, you are still attributing your self worth to something or someone other than yourself and your own abilities and skills. What happens when your baby grows up and doesn't need you anymore? What happens when your baby hits his/her teenage years and starts to act as though he/she hates you? Where's your self worth going to come from then?

Having a baby right now probably wasn't the best decision, but it's too late to second guess, so you have to make the best of the situation. You are at a very important cross roads: You can use your baby as a kick in the pants to spur you on to get/continue to get the help you need, or you can do with your baby exactly what you did with anorexia--rely on it to solve all your problems. Good luck, and I hope that your baby is healthy and that you are able to overcome these issues.

I can relate to you and your struggle. I cut when I was younger and when I stopped doing that my anxiety and fear transferred to an eating disorder. I've dealt with it on and off, some times I was ok with my body and felt like I could eat normally. Other times I would go a few days without eating anything and just drinking soda or worse vodka. I'm almost four months pregnant and the poor body image and even worse relationship with food affect me. It's hard to make myself eat when in the past I would have just gone without. I've cried a few times, afraid of the weight I'm gaining. I, too go back and forth between absolute awe for what my body is creating and horror that the weight I kept off is coming back. It's a daily process and I'm learning that most days I'm ok. I'm learning to lean on my support system and working to let go of those unhealthy behaviors. Maybe you should have waited to get pregnant, but you're here and you're doing what you can to stay healthy and that's a good thing and something to be proud of!

Being a recovering addict, I can sympathize. I never suffered from anorexia, but I have had my own battles with food. It's funny how an addictive personality can morph into many different things. It's like the little devil (the addiction) can't get what it wants - for me drugs and alcohol - so it later chose food. I had just started dealing with my food problem when I got pregnant. Luckily, I had been seeing a therapist for a long time and was a healthy weight, so it wasn't a huge issue. I don't know if it is the hormones or what, but pregnancy does a number on your relationship with food. I ate things I swore I would never eat (a lot of fast food) and couldn't stand fruits and vegetables, which before I became pregnant I loved. I feel for you as pregnancy isn't an easy road to ride for anyone, let alone someone battling such a powerful disease. Hopefully the love of your family, friends and especially that little baby can help make the journey a little easier.

Shame on all of you for judging this woman about deciding to have a baby! It is no one's job to tell another woman that she should not have gotten pregnant and that she is selfish. She is obviously working on these very personal issues and was brave to share them. I don't think that eating disorders and pregnancy is something that is talked about enough, and hopefully her words will inspire other women going through similar issues. Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck!

Thinking a baby is going to make you "better" is the same false sense of control that made her an anorexic.

Kudos to your plight. It is not an easy one, but this is something you really want. Just remind yourself of this. Yes you get weight from it, but try reminding yourself that so long as you keep yourself healthy, a little weight will not harm you, and most of the pregnancy weight will go away after a while. I'm told, though I myself never had the ability to, that breastfeeding helps take off some of the weight. No matter what though, no matter your size, nothing matters as much as your having a beautiful healthy baby and your being absolutely thrilled with him or her. Remember the happiness that you are bringing into your life, and continue to fight the urges of the past. Good luck to both you and your baby.

Fantastic article! Im fighting an eating disorder so i know how hard it is to eat and i wish you good luck!! I know you can do it because you sound sooo strong!

Kudos to your honesty. No person can ever truly know the struggles of another whether they seem good or bad. I applaud you and wish the very best during and after your pregnancy. May you continue to be blessed…

This women really really really shouldn't be trying to replicate herself. She has tons of work left to do. It might have helped to think that she needs to give birth to herself before she attempted this.

I really don't envy this child at all.

Seems like the author is indeed shallow and vain, considering how she made fun of someone because of the way they dressed. Based upon that personal observation, I can't see how her eating disorder is about wanting control. She just wants to be skinny. And having a baby to fix a problem is the wrong way to go about it. If you were really there for treatment as you claim so that you can have a child one day, you wouldn't be discrediting the experts, let alone making fun of them.

Just remember you will be an example to your baby; and as your baby grows up they will model your behavior so it is really time to get healthy I know its easier said than done but reality is you are your childs role model and the last thing you want is for your child to grow up and aquire an eating disorder. I know you can do it a mothers love is far stronger than our own demons!

I have an eating disorder and have had it for at least the last decade. I have had three children throughout this time, and although its hard, it isn't impossible.

I was so moved by your candor in this article. My first response was "What on earth is she doing getting pregnant?" But as I continued reading I realized you were in control. You are doing what needs to be done and above all else cherishing your baby and doing what you need to for him/her. Putting your baby's health above your own fears, needs or even wants is more than a lot of "healthy" pregnant woman can say. I wish you the very, very best. Congratulations!