By Charlotte Hilton Anderson, REDBOOK
Stay-at-home moms vs. work-outside-the-home moms: Who is the better mom? In the past it's been the worst catfight the Internet has known. But ladies, it may finally be time to lay down your weapons because the research has spoken and there's one thing we all have in common. After taking a survey of 1,600 women, University of Washington researchers have news for us: We're all depressed. Um, yay?
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It turns out that as far as our mental health is concerned, our happiness is less dependent on where we choose to do the bulk of our work and more about what our expectations are of our work-life balance-specifically how much help we can expect from our significant others.
Says study author Katrina Leupp, "The findings really point to the mismatch between women's expectations about their ability to balance work and family. Women still do the bulk of household labor and child care, even when they're employed full time. Women who go into employment expecting it to be difficult-'I'm going to have to work full time and do the laundry at night,' but who are accepting of that are less likely to be frustrated than women who expect things to be more equal with their partners."
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Researchers say that women of all stripes may suffer from "Supermom Syndrome", in which not only do women expect to be able to handle everything in their family's lives, but they also think this should be manageable. When we inevitably fall short and forget our preschooler at school for two hours (um, oops), or miss an important deadline at work (double oops), we get depressed.
A key to avoid this syndrome, says Stanford professor Shelley Correll is to pick a mate who will pick up more slack. She says, "Women who have a realistic expectation [of themselves] are more likely to choose men who are going to help out around the house. If you choose someone who will be a helpmate to you, that may lead to lower levels of depression." What about those of us who have already crossed that bridge? "Be gentle with yourself and accept that balancing work and family feels hard because it is hard, rather than feeling that guilty or unsuccessful if you can't devote as much time as you would like to your job and to your family," advises Leupp.
Do you get caught up in the "Supermom Syndrome"? What tips do you have for finding balance no matter where you choose to work?
Charlotte Hilton Andersen is a mom of 5 and the author of the book The Great Fitness Experiment: One Year of Trying Everything and the blog of the same name.
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