What Candy Sweethearts SHOULD Say - After Marriage
It's that time of year, so I picked up a pack of those V-day Sweethearts, you know, the conversation heart candies that are supposed to represent the sweet nothings you would whisper in your lover's ear before bed, like: I LOVE U, B MINE, KISS ME… blah blah blah? Those phrases are more saccharine sweet than the candy, so I thought I'd make a list that resembles real pillow talk. These are the phrases that should be etched on those cute little hearts, after a few years of marriage.
Be warned: this list is not for newlyweds, so you can refrain from reading and telling me how blissful your marriage is. Give it a few years. Ahem- I mean, I'm happy for you. Sorry, but resentment and boredom take time to cure, like a salami.
WIFE CONVERSATION HEARTS:
I BOUGHT ANOTHER PAIR OF SHOES, DON'T WORRY THEY WERE ON SALE
SHH… THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS IS ON
NO, I WON'T PUT THAT IN MY MOUTHMore...
HE GETS THAT FROM UR SIDE
IF U DID IT THE 1ST TIME I WOULDN'T HAVE 2 ASK AGAIN
COULD U BE MORE LIKE ADAM LEVINE?
I SAID BILLY COULD SLEEP IN BED WITH US - AGAIN
R THOSE UR TOENAILS?
SORRY, HEADACHE/TOOTHACHE/GAS (INSERT EXCUSE HERE)
SHH… ABOUT LAST NIGHT IS ON - AGAIN
BE MINE, BUT CAN I BE SOMEONE ELSE'S 4 ABOUT AN HOUR OR SO?
BEING A MOTHER IS A FULL TIME JOB, OK?
SHH… THIS IS THE MOST EXCITING ROSE CEREMONY EVER!
WAIT, LET ME TURN OVER SO I CAN'T SEE U WHILE I THINK OF SOMEONE ELSE
BRUSH UR TEETH IF YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE UR SIDE
COULD U BE MORE LIKE CHRISTIAN GREY?
U GET THE 2AM FEEDING
DO NOT EAT THOSE DORITOS HERE
I'M PREGNANT … PSYCHE
HUBBY CONVERSATION HEARTS:
SHH… THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION IS ON - AGAIN
I DON'T MIND IF UR NOT IN THE MOOD, I WON'T TAKE LONG
WHEN I SAY I'M LISTENING, I'M PROBABLY NOT
I LIED, UR MOTHER IS ANNOYING
SHH… BRAVEHEART IS ON - AGAIN
DO U KNOW WHERE THE REMOTE IS?
More From Jenny From the Blog: Sex or Oven Cleaning - The Age Old Dilema
WHY R U SO TIRED, WHAT DO U DO ALL DAY?
COULD U BE MORE LIKE JENNA JAMESON?
DO U HAVE ANY WATER OVER THERE?
WAIT, LET ME TURN YOU OVER SO I CAN'T SEE YOU WHILE I THINK OF SOMEONE ELSE
WOW, U R MUCH HAIRIER THAN I REMEMBER
SHH… FIELD OF DREAMS IS ON - AGAIN
UR MORNING BREATH DOES NOT SMELL SWEET
I CAN BE SEXY, WANNA DO IT?
I BET ALL OUR MONEY ON A GIANTS GAME
COULD U GET ME SOME DORITOS
BRUSHING MY TEETH IS FOREPLAY
UR ON CLEAN UP
CAN U MOVE UR HEAD SO I CAN WATCH THE GAME?
LOVE U 4EVER, SO THERE'S NO NEED TO CUDDLE
And of course: I LOVE U, because if we didn't truly feel that way, well we wouldn't put up with all the other stuff. Hope your V-day is full of all the love you deserve.
Valentine's Sentiment: Mommy, I Want to Puke of Love
Jenny Isenman AKA Jenny From the Blog is the humorist behind The Suburban Jungle.com. Twelve years ago she answered this ad: "Seeking highly motivated person, who requires little sleep, to cook, clean, wipe tushies, noses, and countertops… oh, and provide occasional sex. Person will be overworked and under-appreciated. Prior experience is frowned upon. Always on duty. Will pay nothing." I mean, she got married and started a family.