What Candy Sweethearts SHOULD Say - After Marriage
It's that time of year, so I picked up a pack of those V-day Sweethearts, you know, the conversation heart candies that are supposed to represent the sweet nothings you would whisper in your lover's ear before bed, like: I LOVE U, B MINE, KISS ME… blah blah blah? Those phrases are more saccharine sweet than the candy, so I thought I'd make a list that resembles real pillow talk. These are the phrases that should be etched on those cute little hearts, after a few years of marriage.
Be warned: this list is not for newlyweds, so you can refrain from reading and telling me how blissful your marriage is. Give it a few years. Ahem- I mean, I'm happy for you. Sorry, but resentment and boredom take time to cure, like a salami.
WIFE CONVERSATION HEARTS:
I BOUGHT ANOTHER PAIR OF SHOES, DON'T WORRY THEY WERE ON SALE
SHH… THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS IS ON
NO, I WON'T PUT THAT IN MY MOUTH
More...
HE GETS THAT FROM UR SIDE
IF U DID IT THE 1ST TIME I WOULDN'T HAVE 2 ASK AGAIN
COULD U BE MORE LIKE ADAM LEVINE?
I SAID BILLY COULD SLEEP IN BED WITH US - AGAIN
R THOSE UR TOENAILS?
SORRY, HEADACHE/TOOTHACHE/GAS (INSERT EXCUSE HERE)
SHH… ABOUT LAST NIGHT IS ON - AGAIN
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BE MINE, BUT CAN I BE SOMEONE ELSE'S 4 ABOUT AN HOUR OR SO?
BEING A MOTHER IS A FULL TIME JOB, OK?
SHH… THIS IS THE MOST EXCITING ROSE CEREMONY EVER!
WAIT, LET ME TURN OVER SO I CAN'T SEE U WHILE I THINK OF SOMEONE ELSE
BRUSH UR TEETH IF YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE UR SIDE
COULD U BE MORE LIKE CHRISTIAN GREY?
U GET THE 2AM FEEDING
DO NOT EAT THOSE DORITOS HERE
I'M PREGNANT … PSYCHE
HUBBY CONVERSATION HEARTS:
SHH… THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION IS ON - AGAIN
I DON'T MIND IF UR NOT IN THE MOOD, I WON'T TAKE LONG
WHEN I SAY I'M LISTENING, I'M PROBABLY NOT
I LIED, UR MOTHER IS ANNOYING
SHH… BRAVEHEART IS ON - AGAIN
DO U KNOW WHERE THE REMOTE IS?
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WHY R U SO TIRED, WHAT DO U DO ALL DAY?
COULD U BE MORE LIKE JENNA JAMESON?
DO U HAVE ANY WATER OVER THERE?
WAIT, LET ME TURN YOU OVER SO I CAN'T SEE YOU WHILE I THINK OF SOMEONE ELSE
WOW, U R MUCH HAIRIER THAN I REMEMBER
SHH… FIELD OF DREAMS IS ON - AGAIN
UR MORNING BREATH DOES NOT SMELL SWEET
I CAN BE SEXY, WANNA DO IT?
I BET ALL OUR MONEY ON A GIANTS GAME
COULD U GET ME SOME DORITOS
BRUSHING MY TEETH IS FOREPLAY
UR ON CLEAN UP
CAN U MOVE UR HEAD SO I CAN WATCH THE GAME?
LOVE U 4EVER, SO THERE'S NO NEED TO CUDDLE
And of course: I LOVE U, because if we didn't truly feel that way, well we wouldn't put up with all the other stuff. Hope your V-day is full of all the love you deserve.
Related Pieces:
Valentine's Sentiment: Mommy, I Want to Puke of Love
Is There Valentine's Day Romance After Kids?
Jenny Isenman AKA Jenny From the Blog is the humorist behind The Suburban Jungle.com. Twelve years ago she answered this ad: "Seeking highly motivated person, who requires little sleep, to cook, clean, wipe tushies, noses, and countertops… oh, and provide occasional sex. Person will be overworked and under-appreciated. Prior experience is frowned upon. Always on duty. Will pay nothing." I mean, she got married and started a family.
