By Charlotte Hilton Andersen, REDBOOK
toddlerToddlers often seem irrational, unreasonable, finicky, and frustrating, but sometimes I think all that screaming would make sense if I had a good interpreter. The next time you feel your blood starting to boil while you wait for "ME DO IT!!" as your toddler attempts to put his or her their shoes for 20 minutes, or "MINE!!" to loosen their grip on the candy you just said they couldn't have, try seeing things from your kid's perspective. It may still be irrational, but at least it will make you smile. And if you do, then they probably will too...hopefully.
1. Don't ask me why I stuck something up my nose. I know there is no good answer to that, but I'll try to come up with a creative reason if you keep pushing. And that one won't make any more sense than "because I could." ("I thought if I put a red pom-pom up my nose it would make me Rudolph!")
2. No means no! It also means 'yes,' 'I think so,' 'maybe,' and 'I need a nap; for the love of Fisher Price won't someone find me my blanky!'
3. Getting my face wiped with a warm washcloth is exactly like getting power washed with with an industrial sprayer-and don't even try to tell me it isn't, you terrorist.
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4. That tantrum I threw in the middle of the store? That wasn't me. This darn body is so new it just goes on the fritz sometimes. I can't help it. I contacted the manufacturer, and we're trying to work out the kinks.
5. Don't tell me not to do something I haven't done yet. If I haven't tried it, you just gave me a great idea, and the fact that you said no makes it even more exciting.
6. I peed on the floor not because I can't pee on the potty, but simply because I don't feel like hanging my tushie over a gigantic hole filled with water that may or may not suck me straight into the vortex. Frankly, I can't believe anyone can poop with that kind of pressure!
7. Spreading stuff all over me is just how I eat. Just because you've lost the ability to taste through your skin doesn't mean I should hide my talent. Don't be a hater.
8. Brushing my teeth is like minty dessert on a handy stick -- why wouldn't I want to swallow that?
9. Band-Aids are just big stickers. Blood should not be a precursor to getting one...or five.
10. It doesn't matter to me where you work, how important you are, or if you are a size two. All I know is that you are the most wonderful person I've ever met and that you love me. (Although it totally does matter what kind of car you drive - why have you not purchased that stretch limo with wading pool and sippy cup wet bar yet?)
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