True Mom Confessions and Answers with Brett Berk: My kid pinches me...and I pinch him back!

True Mom Confession:

My almost 2 yr old son has recently started this pinching thing. He pinches me, my mother, sister everybody but my husband! I politely pinch him back and tell him no thats hurts. He cries sometimes but i don't feel bad its the only way he will learn to STOP!



Uncle Brett:

I think you have your response about half-right. Telling your child that pinching hurts is a good idea, as it will clarify for him the effects of his action. But eye-for-an-eye (pinch-for-a-pinch?) justice doesn't really make sense to a kid that age. In fact, it might actually reinforce the negative behavior. Kids learn what is and isn't appropriate more by our examples than anything else.

So when you pinch back (however "politely"), it might stop him momentarily--and give you the satisfaction of seeing him in pain and tears--but the underlying message is that this is an acceptable way of dealing with the situation. In addition, when you tell a young kid to stop doing something without providing them with some alternate routes, you strand them in a difficult-to-negotiate abstract thought pattern, where what they're doing (and often enjoying) has been ruled off-limits, but hasn't been replaced with some other acceptable concrete option.

Since kids are unable to process abstract thought, this fritzes out their fragile little brains. Also, kids your son's age often revert to physical solutions (pinching, biting, lying on the floor pounding their fists on the ground) when their bodies are able to respond more quickly than their minds--when they're literally at a loss for words. Perhaps your son is pinching in exactly these kinds of situations: when he wants your attention, when he's frustrated, when he needs something that's not available to him. Instead of stooping to his level--and in addition to telling him that pinching hurts and isn't appropriate--provide him with some other viable options. Let him know that he can ask for your help when he feels stuck, give him some words to use to do so, get him a pillow to punch or some paper he can rip to release his pent up energy, or find another useful outlet for his pinching: making pottery, plucking weeds out of the lawn, picking tiny crumbs off of the dining room floor. Your son is probably not evil; pinching him back definitely is.


Brett Berk is the author of The Gay Uncle's Guide to Parenting.

True Mom Confessions is the first anonynous, online confessional for moms.