User post: Should I let my Dad walk me down the aisle?

Hi Miss Independent!

I am curious to know what your final decision was. Your situation is very similar to mine...my father didn't have a drug problem, but he re-married and moved out of state. He was in and out of jobs (still is) and was never really around when I was growing up. He disappointed me time after time by not showing up when he was supposed for visits, not coming to school events when he said he would, etc. Now, we have a pretty good relationship. He hasn't changed much, but I have and am more equipped to deal with him. I can't be disappointed because expect nothing of him and I don't need him.

My stepfather raised me financially. He put a roof over my head, food on my plate, insured me medically, and gave me 3 beautiful sisters and a wonderful brother. He calls me his "oldest daughter". That being said, we do not get along...at all. I moved out when I was 17 because I couldn't tolerate living with him. He is just a hard man to like, not many people do. I feel I owe him something for taking care of me all of those years, and I get along with him for my mother's sake, but I have a hard time being around him.

So now it's time to plan my wedding (in May) and my dad flat out asked me if he was walking me down the aisle. I told him that I feel the person that had the most to do with my upbringing is me. I am who I am because I made myself that way. I am close with my mother, but she worked a lot and was constantly getting stuck in the middle when my stepfather and I fought. I raised myself. Therefore, I will give myself away. I tell myself that I am proud of my decision, that it shows strenght of character. But I still feel bad because I know that my dad is so disappointed...I am his youngest and his only chance to walk one of his girls down the aisle. But at the same time, I don't think it would be fair to my stepfaterh. So even though I've made my decision, I still struggle with it everday....what did YOU decide??!!

Having been in a similar situation (though we ended up getting married at the courthouse so there wasn't an aisle to walk down as it turned out) I say walk, run, skip, dance down the aisle- alone! It's your day and everyone else needs to grow up. I do not think it is direspectful to anyone to walk down the aisle alone.
Unless there is someone special (your Mom or a sibling or friend of either gender) that you would like to walk with you to symbolize the moving on to a new life , then I think walking alone is great- and then the attention is on the bride where it belongs!: )

Michael the ever romantic.....that is beautiful.

Write a bout it!!!!

my mom's gonna walk me down the aisle when I get married.

You have to do what please's you. My daughter chose her brother and that was fine with me and her stepfather. My cousin (father was deceased) picked one of our uncles instead of a brother, her sister chose a brother. It's totally up to you and whatever makes you happy. Hope this helps good luck and congradulations.

You said it yourself, you're a modern woman having a non-traditional wedding, walk yourself down the isle! My girlfriend had her two brothers walk her down the isle when she got married because her father was deceased, but she had a traditional wedding in a church. It's YOUR day, don't let anyone make you feel small because of your choices! My Dad walked me down the isle, but he basically pushed me down the isle, he wanted to get rid of me that bad! ha ha ha It sounds like your wedding will be beautiful and special and important and symbolic to YOU and your fiancee! Have a great day!

I an and have been married to the same man for 27 years. No one walked me down the aisle or gave me away. I didn't have the step-father and my father was at the wedding. I belong to no one. I refused to let my father participate in my wedding that way to hurt him. I still have no regrets even though my relationship with my father has improved. Weddings are the bride's big day but are for the guests. The marriage is for the couple. You sound confused and a little immature, not the best way to start a marriage. I always have encouraged my kids to elope and spend the money on something important.

Thanks Danay, my bestie and my Mom told me the same thing, that his behavior has nothing to do with me and to not let it under my skin and ruin the hapiness I should be feelings.

Absolutely do it your way. I have been married 23 years and I still cringe when I think of the things I let my parents and future in-laws talk me into (of course it didn'thelp that I was pregnant and a hormonal mess!). The feelings you are going to want to remember are yours and your husband's NOT anyone else. If they don't like it they can lump it and not attend.

Honey, you do what makes you happy. If you were never close with you father and he always picked himself above you, then no way should you feel guilty or make him make YOU feel guilty about your decision. I know ex-addicts like that. They neglect their kids and mistreat their families, then when they get clean, they act like they were always the greatest people and never did anything wrong. Will lie to others that didn't know them then about how great they were and make you seem like a liar to these people. My sister does this to our family all the time. Don't go along with it. Don't "suck it up". He is lucky he is even invited. This is your day. Don't let anyone ruin it. My father passed away before I got married. My brother walked with me...not my oldest brother, the brother I chose. It's your wedding, it's your day.

this is a sticky situation. im wondering if this is your way of kind of punishing your dad for him not being around or taking care of you like he should of. you have alot of hurt in your heart and i hope you can let it go. i am not blood related to my dad, up until a few years ago we were not that close. but he always provided for me and i was not his obligation. when i get married he will walk me down the asile because that is the best way i know how to show him how much he means to me. i find it completely annoying that weddings a very rarely about the two people they should be about, the bride and the groom. so that being said i think you should do whats right for you and your husband to be. good luck!

You should do what is in your heart. This is your day, and emotions do run high. If you have a brother, he could walk you down the aisle. So could any family member. There could be Step Dad on one side of the bride and Dad on the other. Or, as mentioned, Step Dad could escort you down the aisle and Dad takes you to the altar. This I have seen.
I was so nervous, I was glad to have my Dad on my arm. But, do what will make you comfortable and happy and create a lovely memory for you.

Instead of considering it as the man "giving" you away like property, what if you thought of it as a symbolic act to represent leaving your old family (and all the baggage associated with it) for the hope of a new family that that you are starting with your husband? That way, it's not so much your father "giving" you to another man, but more of a sendoff.

What about the relationship you have with your mother? If you feel so strongly about not being given away as property by a man, why not allow your mother to "give you away". I use that term loosely as i dont mean it in the "property" sense.

This is exactly what i plan on doing on my wedding day. My mother has been more of a role model and has had a much bigger part in my life than my father who has not exactly been "father of the year" :)

My fiance asked my mothers permission to marry me. Not because i am property but out of respect.

As mentioned above, i suggest you do what makes you happy!

I think uou should forgive your dad and move forward. addictions aren't easy to break and no one is perfect. Your his daughter and I am sure he loves you. But I also understand where you are coming from. I think you should do what makes you happy follow your heart.

i chose my brother to walk m, my dad was like you dad and my step dad fell back into drugs after 10 years then only man was my grandpa and he died so i had brother walk me, and we had them say istead of "give away" was "do you trust this man to keep your sister safe and loved and to treat her the way a woman should be treated"

Why don't you consider letting your mom walk you down the aisle? My dad's a good for nothing, and there's no way on God's green Earth that I would let him walk me down the aisle. I consider my mother the person who raised me, so she has the right to "give" me away.

Sounds like you've already made your decision--don't let anyone guilt you into feeling wrong about it.

Thank you so much everyone for your good wishes!

rae- you are right that I need to put a lot of consideration into this.

Mrs.KlingonPasadena- you hit the nail on the head.

ecogirl- I like the idea of possibly looking at it from a different perspective...

Tabatha H- I do agree that my living with him may be further enabling this behavior, however this was a last ditch effort to improve our relationship and there were many promises from him that 'things would be different this time", and foolishly I believed him. I'm now stuck playing nice until I move out in May and have to tread very delicatley until then. But after almost 27 years of the same thing over and over, it is clear that his promises are empty.

adrianna- yes, this is very much a punishment for the way he has treated me my whole life. That is why I have issue with giving into his pouting. The only reason I don't tell him the truth about why he's really not walking me down the aisle is twofold, 1. To keep the peace for the next few months until I move and 2. becasue I don't know if it's worth all the pain of dragging those feelings out for someone who has shown me they will never change.

michaelg- I like the walking towards eachother thing!

Hannah- while I cringe at the thought of even going through the farce of a father daughter dance, I simply cannot be that cruel to my father to ignore him entirely and am doing it as a form of compromise to be nice.

To everyone else- there are some really good suggestions and advice in your posts and you are all beign very kind- THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! Keep the posts coming, I'm trying to get as much input on this as possible to help make my choice.

Having gone through something similar, my thoughts are as follows: do it your way. I appreciate what Ecogirl said about changing the ideology into more of a "sendoff", but ultimately, it's YOUR day. If the idea of your biological father walking you down the aisle makes you uncomfortable and seems inappropriate, don't do it. Period. He will undoubtedly pout, but he IS invited to attend, and you are requesting a special dance with him. How he chooses to respond is up to him. It may have been his dream to "walk" his daughter and give her away, but it's your call.

My father's parents adopted and raised me and my sister, and while I didn't feel entirely comfortable with him walking me, I let him AND my grandfather walk me. But my husband didn't ask my father, he asked my grandfather.

This isn't an easy decision, but it is yours. It seems to me you already know how you WANT things to go, so I recommend explaining it once and then standing firm in your decision. It does appear to me however, that by living with your father, it may be encouraging his idea that things are "fine", and he may feel that he "deserves" his way. Just something to think about.

Good luck, and blessings on you and your family!