User post: Teaching my kids to deal with disappointment

Disappointments big and small are part of daily life. We can be disappointed by anything from a recipe being a dinnertime flop to not getting the job we thought would be perfect. How well we bounce back from life's disappointments matters as much, if not more than, the actual disappointments. More important still is how we deal with the disappointments our children face.

I have realized (late) that I am doing my children a great disservice by rushing in to "fix" situations that may lead to disappointment. Worse, I have made every attempt to shield them from disappointment, as if they could somehow escape the emotion entirely. I almost always allow the children to get a little something at Target. I read the extra story extending bedtime. I have gone to the extreme of cooking not one, not two, but several evening meals so that no one is disappointed. Except me.

So it occurred to me for the first time today that there is no one who rescues me from disappointment. I have to continue along my way, putting disappointment behind me so that I can face the next challenge. How can I expect our children to pull themselves up if I have never let them fall down? Don't get me wrong; they have all been disappointed. I know that. But by protecting them even some of the time, I am cheating them out of an opportunity to learn a vital life skill. They will be disappointed at school, with friends, in their marriages and even with themselves. That is how they will learn to be better; to improve themselves and move on to the next challenge will require resilience and courage. Resilience and courage aren't created in a bubble. Virtues like courage and kindness, responsibility and compassion are first demonstrated, then developed. I used to know this. I used to read stories demonstrating these characteristics to my class, to the kids I babysat, and even to our children. Somewhere along the way, I was seduced by their sweet faces and sad eyes. I dropped the ball. I lost sight of my responsibility as a parent to prepare them for an independent existence and instead took on the role of appeaser trying to make everyone happy all the time.

My mom used to say to me, "Spit in one hand and wish in the other. Then tell me which one is heavier." I wasn't really sure what that meant to her, but to me it meant, "no". And I was okay with that. I swore I would never say that to my children, but ya know...disappointment is a regular companion. It is time for our children to get acquainted.

When not disappointing my children, I am blogging at www.mothering4.com.