A lot, it turns out. This week, I talked to Amber Madison, sex educator, lecturer, and author of "Talking Sex With Your Kids." The kicker? At age 26, Madison has no kids.
So why should you care about what she thinks? For starters, she might just know more than you do about what your kids are going through. Having spent the past four years touring college campuses and speaking with teens about sex, Madison has used their testimonies and her own experience as an educator to write a book the Library Journal calls ""mandatory reading for all parents." With a focus on the teen perspective, "Talking Sex With Your Kids" was written specifically to help parents understand the current sexual culture, as well as their teens' sexual misunderstandings, thoughts, and concerns.
Interested? Read on.
Q: Whenever we bring up "the sex talk" on Shine, readers express a lot of conflicting emotions: confusion, embarrassment, relief, disapproval, and of course, a lot of differing opinions and agendas. In your experience, what's the most common mistake parents make in talking to their kids about sex?
A: Too often parents make the mistake of waiting to talk about sex until they have some sign their teen is thinking about "doing it." This then leads to another common mistake of bombarding your teen with one, unexpected, hash-it-all-out, I'd-rather-be-dead conversation about sex.
Instead of "waiting," start talking now. True, most 12 year olds aren't having sex. But are they thinking about sex, talking about sex, and seeing sex everyday in the media? Absolutely. It's always better to start talking before kids need the information as opposed to waiting until after. When your kids are in middle school, start broaching topics like sex in the media, sex and technology, healthy relationships, and body image. As they get older talk with them about birth control, condoms, STDs, and when sex is a good idea/bad idea. You should have MANY sex talks with your kids, starting when they are very young and you have to explain how babies are made continuing up through high school and college as you talk with them about how sex and sexuality will fit into their own life.
Q: Most parents feel more comfortable with the simple "birds and the bees" talk than really delving into some of the more complicated aspects of sexuality. If you had to choose three topics parents should be hitting upon when they talk to their teens about sex, what would they be?
A: 1. Oral sex is sex. We're a culture obsessed with virginity. And are teens who engage in oral sex still considered virgins? You betcha. So is it really any mystery why teens don't see oral sex as sex, and therefore don't see it as "that big of a deal?" Make sure your teens and tweens know that oral sex matters. Not only can you get STDs from oral sex, but many of the negative emotions that can come from having intercourse in a less than ideal situation can come from having oral sex in that situation as well. Feeling used, regretful, and vulnerable are not feelings that are unique to sexual intercourse.
2. Using a condom should not feel awkward/insulting. In my book there is an entire chapter dedicated to condoms, because there are THAT many reasons that teens may not use one. The two that top out the list: "I don't want to upset my partner" and "using one feels awkward." Be sure your kids know that by the time they feel comfortable enough with someone to have sex with them, they should feel comfortable enough to use a condom. Putting on a condom is just part of responsible sex, and they shouldn't feel awkward about doing it (it may help them to practice privately on a banana). They also shouldn't worry about insulting their partner by using one. When a condom is used both people are protected. And any partner who throws a fit about using one is simply too selfish to be sleeping with. Tell your teen: if someone cares about you, they care about your comfort, and won't pressure you into unprotected sex.
3. To girls: sex is not going to make a guy care about you more than he already does, it won't create feelings that aren't there to begin with, and it won't alter the course of your relationship. Never have sex just because you think it will make someone like you more-it won't. To guys: sex is a big deal for guys too. Just because you're a guy doesn't mean you have to feel ready for sex, that it won't affect you emotionally, or that your expected to have sex whenever you might have the opportunity.
Q: What advice do you have for parents who believe abstinence is the only thing they need to teach their kids about sex?
A: If you believe sex should only take place between two people who are married, there is nothing wrong with telling your kids that, and making it very clear that's the choice you want them to make. But because your kids' health and safety should always be your top priority, you have to talk with them about condoms and birth control too, just in case. I interviewed a Roman Catholic priest for my book, and even he felt that there has to be a middle ground between religious values and young adults' safety. The reality is, the majority of people don't wait until marriage to have sex, even many who to plan to. So even if you are telling your kids to wait until marriage to have sex, also arm them with the knowledge of how to keep themselves safe if they don't. And those aren't contradictory messages. I look at it like this: you always tell your kids to wear their seatbelts-not because you condone unsafe driving, or because you're encouraging them to crash into another car-you tell them the wear their seat belt just in case.
Q: You wrote this book when you were 25 and you have no kids; why should parents listen to you?
A: This is a book for parents, but it's not a book about what it's like to be a parent. This is a book about what it's like to be a teen growing up in today's sexual climate. After all, in order to help your kids make the best sexual decisions, not only do you have to talk with them about sex, you have to do it in a way that addresses their real concerns with advice that's relevant to their lives. Talking Sex with Your Kids helps
parents understand their teens better, so that they can have more productive conversations.
Read more of Talking Sex With Your Kids.
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