Childhood is full of frustrating moments. Life is designed life in such a way as to guarantee that kids will have their wishes denied many times a day. Children are small; physically disadvantaged; in need of support that isn't always available; and forever seeking all sorts of things their caretakers determine aren't good for them.
As loving adults, we hate it when kids cry, and we'll jump through hoops to keep their tears at bay. We buy them the toys they can't live without, force their big sisters to play Barbies with them, or let them stay up late even though we know they'll be tired the next day. We justify these manipulations of people, events, and rules in the false belief that when we eliminate our children's frustrations, we're demonstrating our love. But the truth is, when we prevent kids from experiencing frustration, we're keeping them from developing the vital life skill of adaptation, which they'll need throughout their lives.
Let Them Have Their Tears
Rather than coldly admonishing children to "deal with it" when they're upset, adults need to help frustrated kids along to what psychologist Gordon Neufeld calls the Wall of Futility. Children need to feel their real feelings of sadness and find their tears. And when they, with your help, can come to their tears about whatever they want and can't have, or whatever is broken and can't be fixed, they become able to move on - to adapt.
When we prime children's tears, softening our voices and acknowledging how hurt they're feeling because big sister said "I don't want to play with you," we help their disappointment find expression and release. Once the tears come, children are soon off and running, looking for something or someone else to play with, but this time with one more successful adaptation under their belts. They have discovered that while life may not always unfold to their liking, they can adapt and find their way back to joy.
When we intervene because kids are frustrated - although we do it out of love - we prevent them from learning the lesson of adaptation. As a result, when they experience something upsetting later in life, either they will demand that circumstances bend to their will or they will become aggressive. They may become adults who cannot cope when things don't conform to their liking - like people who demand recompense when they're disappointed or who numb themselves with substances or distractions so they can endure life's more difficult moments.
Think about difficult times in your own life. Whether it's a relationship, a promotion, or a million other circumstances that don't unfold as we had hoped, our ability to live joyful and successful lives depends on our ability to adapt. Often it's only when we find our tears, when we hit the Wall of Futility, that we can move on. One of the greatest gifts we can give kids is the ability to find their tears when they're frustrated. Tears actually release stress hormones and toxins - Mother Nature knows what she's doing.
On the other hand, unresolved frustration produces aggression. Verbally or physically, children who don't get what they want and lack the ability to adapt will become aggressive. And when we "up the ante" and punish kids by taking more and more things away, we simply move them toward either increasing their aggressive behavior or hardening their hearts.
How to Approach Frustrated Kids
When children are frustrated, it's not a good time to teach, advise, or lecture. They cannot process what you're saying when they're upset, and your onslaught of words just aggravates them more. Think of it this way: Language is a function of the left brain, but feelings originate in the right. When children are stuck in the storm of emotions whirling around in their right brains, they don't have access to their verbal, logical left brains, which might be able to make sense of your well-meaning suggestions. Trying to cool kids down with rational suggestions is like knocking on a door when nobody's home.
Parents and grandparents often miss the forest for the trees, wanting kids to be happy in the moment, without considering the cost. When children grow up believing they can really be happy only if life unfolds in the particular way they want it to, they become adults unable to cope with experiences outside their control, and suffer as a result. Parents and grandparents who help kids learn the life skill of adaptation give them the means to be happy regardless of whether the world conforms to their expectations.
Yes, It Works
Not long ago, my son was urged to attend an extended-family member's birthday party on the very last day of the school year. I was aware that he and his buddies had lined up something fun to do, but I stayed out of it, leaving the decision to him. He decided to go to the birthday, and when we passed by some of his friends on their way to an end-of-school celebration, I asked him if he was okay with not hanging out with his buddies. "There will be other times, Mom. I'm cool." It was as simple as that. The kid had surpassed his mom in his ability to slip right into adaptation. He insists on enjoying his life and has chosen not to "sweat the small stuff."
When we raise kids by modeling our own adaptation and help them "hit the wall" when they're stuck, we equip them with the ability to surf life's ups and downs with their eye on the prize - enjoying every moment of their precious lives.
ALSO ON GRANDPARENTS.COM:
-
The Top 6 Reasons Kids Melt Down
-
Why We Should All Celebrate "Mean Moms"
- 30 Fresh Ideas for Springtime Fun
There are no comments yet