Why Parents Shouldn't Hide Bad News
Who wants to raise the issue of death with their kids? Probably none of us, but that's awfully naive. Even though we parents prefer to avoid difficult conversations with our children, we need to. We hesitate because we are afraid of "messing up." We worry that we will say the wrong thing. So instead of discussing sadness, anger or anxiety, we shield our youngsters from topics like grief or loss whenever possible. But kids have incredible intuition; they have a sixth sense for reading our emotions. And for little people, they sure have very big ears. They absorb far more than parents think they do. Another thing every child has is an active imagination. So when parents withhold information from their kids as a protective strategy, it can backfire. Left to their own devices, kids will make up far worse scenarios than the truth. Mental health experts advise us that even when the news is tough to take, honesty -- within reason-- is your best bet.
What not to say: If the topic is death, there are certain phrases that will confuse young children and therefore should be avoided. For example, saying a pet has 'gone to sleep' is virtually guaranteed to create anxiety that will disrupt a child's own sleep. Just take a deep breath and say 'Skipper died'. As a matter of fact, pet deaths are a perfect, safe opportunity to broach the subject before a human loved one dies. Even saying 'passed away', while delicately phrased, doesn't mean anything to a child. Such vagueness makes us feel better, but not them. Similarly, if we say "Grampa was really sick when he died," a young child might internalize the worry that any time she gets sick, she could die. (It's better to be specific and say: "Grampa's heart stopped working.") Likewise, mentioning the deceased person was "old" when they died might feel reassuring to us, but to a young child, all the adults around them seem old. They might wonder who's next? My mom? My teacher?
What helps:
* Share memories of the deceased. Kids find stories healing and distracting. They will get wrapped up in the details and focus on the story, not the loss. Follow up the story with a comment, like "I miss Nana and I'm sure you will, too. But we will always have Nana stories and pictures to remind us of how much we love her."
* Encourage your child to draw their feelings. Some kids are not talkers by nature, but they can still let their emotions out. You can join in, too, and show how a black scribble might express anger and that it feels good to let out these emotions.
* Give hugs. We all find touch to be incredibly healing, and kids are no exception. Sometimes, they just want a quiet place to be held and even in our own grief, we can provide that comfort for them.
* Share your own emotion. It's OK to cry in front of your child--again, within reason. Kids' natural empathy means their little faces will show concern at your tears, but that's OK, too.
Losing a loved one is part of the life cycle, and as parents we are better off teaching our children how to cope than leaving it up to them to figure it out on their own. That's the healing piece of grieving that we too often forget about.
Have you found that sharing a loss together has helped your children? How so?
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Boston Irish is actually Maureen O'Brien, a Shine Parenting Guru, mom of twins, and the founder of www.destinationparenting.com. Her musings can also be found on Galtime.com. She is passionate about all things parenting.
