What your dog is really thinking...
This morning as I was getting ready to take my dog for a walk, I realized my iPhone needed a few minutes to charge. In those couple moments my dog seemed to go through a whole array of canine emotions from joy, to pacing, to whimpering, to sheer panic.
I truly believe if he could speak it would have gone something like this (insert squiggly lines here):
YES YES YES, Mom's putting on her sneakers. Oh, joy of joys, we're going for a walk. This is wonderful news!
Look, she isn't averting her eyes the way she does when she's going to leave the house without me. This is awesome, spectacular, stupendous.
(That's when I noticed my phone needed a few minutes to charge or I'd have no music which equals no walk, so I turned from the door and headed to the bedroom.)
Nooooooooooo! Not the room with the big comfy thing in the middle where the fluffy squares I like to hump (when you're not home) are located! That room is a trap. Each night she lies on that thing and doesn't come our for like weeks, maybe months. I'm not sure, time eludes me. OK think think (pacing) gotta take a stand. Now's the time to speak up. Just say, it say, it say it.
Shit that wasn't what I wanted to say at all. That was all high pitched and made no sense, I don't even know what language that was.
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OK it seems to have worked, YES. She's moving, this is a good sign annnnnnnnnnnd we're off.
Awesome, let's run. Come on -- faster faster faster. What's the matter with your legs? Why can't you go faster? This is what happens when you lose two of your legs like you did, you're slow. Why don't you get some rollers and I'll just pull you?
What it that???
(This is when I say, "Come on, stop smelling the leaf.")
You call that thing a leaf? OMG it's brilliant. I must smell it. There are more … there are tons … I must smell them. I feel like I must smell EVERY ONE.
What if this one is different?
Or this one?
Or this tree, or this pole, or this crack in the sidewalk?
Sheesh, enough with the pulling. How come no one is pulling you? Where's the rope tied around your neck lady?
OK fine I'll go, but let's go fast and I'm just gonna cross the pavement back and forth from side to side right in front of you 'cuz I don't wanna miss anything.
Can you stopping tripping on me? G-d having two legs really must suck for you.
OH WOW. OH YES. OH GOODY!
There is a lady coming straight for us. Oh yeah. She can't wait to see me. She's running to me, she must wanna play. This is great, like bacon, I can't even stand it. I bet she has a toy or a bone. Come on (ears perk up in cutest most excited face ever) and wait for it, wait, steady, hold hold HOLD.
SHE'S HERE!!!! I love you I love you I lo…. Wait she's gone. Did she even see me? Is she coming back? What happened? Where's my toy?
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OK, reel it in 'cuz there's another human and this one has no hair and he's in dark clothes and I think he's going to attack us. He's coming in slow.
Look big… bigger… like a bear. (Fur on back stands up straight.) Here he comes, I'll save you Mom. Bark bark bark bark. Oh crap, his hand is near my head. He's coming in for the kill and … ohhhh that's nice. Why, he isn't an attacker at all. He loves me. Well, I love him too.
(This is when I think, I'm happy my house has an alarm.)
That was lovely, I hope he comes by again soon. I'd probably live with him if you died. Not that I want you to die, I'm just sayin' …
STOP STOP STOP!!!
REAL DANGER THIS TIME!
That stick just jumped in front of me! Did you see that? It's trying to attack you all ninja style! (Fur on ruff stands up) Grrrrrowl. Bark Bark, I'm the alpha here! Don't think you can kill my owner, though I do have a back up plan... There was a lovely fellow a few feet back that I …
The ninja stick, right ... I will screw you up.
Yeah that's right shake in fear baby. SHAKE IN FEAR.
Yeah mom you're safe we can pass. You're welcome.
But, um let's slow down a bit, K? This was a lot farther than I thought we were gonna go. We've been walking for like a year or something.
Can we rest for a sec?
The grass right here looks perfect I'll just lay for a minute. I won't close my eyes or anything.
OK one close. Not a nap just a long blink.
What we gotta go again? Did someone move our house while we were walking? Could you drag me the rest of the way? Maybe put me on wheels and roll me, no?
Damn, those two legs may not go fast, but they go far.
Phew, we're home. I need an entire bowl of water and a nap. And then we should totally go for a walk. I feel like it's been years since you've taken me on one.
A Dog's Life
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Jenny Isenman AKA Jenny From the Blog is the humorist behind The Suburban Jungle.com. Twelve years ago she answered this ad: "Seeking highly motivated person, who requires little sleep, to cook, clean, wipe tushies, noses, and countertops… oh, and provide occasional sex. Person will be overworked and under-appreciated. Prior experience is frowned upon. Always on duty. Will pay nothing." I mean, she got married and started a family.