This week, U.K. water park Alton Towers issued a mandate to male guests: No more Speedos. Reps for the park called the ban on tiny trunks an "extreme measure," but explained it was meant "to prevent embarrassment among fellow members of the public and to maintain the family-friendly atmosphere at the resort."
"We feel this small brief style is not appropriate for a family venue so we are advising male bathers to wear more protective swimwear such as shorts."
Such a tough issue! Sure, there's a bit of discrimnation going on. Alton park allows female guests to wear thong bathing suits, which seem, by this measure, as offensive as a man's banana hammock. If it's a conservative family park, one would think it'd find bare butts as unseemly as the outline of a bulge.
However, Speedos are kind of gross. They're cheesy-hilarious, sure, but they're also pretty much twig-and-berry X-ray machines, revealing a super-graphic silhouette of the wearer's junk. It's like having shiny seal skin stretched over the area--there's not a lot left to the imagination. And watching that come down a steep, slippery slide? Awkward!
Would we really be so sad to see this swimwear go forever? Not here, of course. But the Euros, they love to splash around in man panties. As Shine managing editor Annette mentioned yesterday, "Dude, do any of them even own a pair of trunks?"
To be continued. In the meantime, check out our Speedo hall of fame, in all it's glory, above.