The Perfect Mother Moment

The Perfect Mother MomentJohanna learns how pregnancy can help a person become her higher, better self. (Or, in Johanna's case, her lower, dopier one.)

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"The second trimester has been kind to me," she begins, "and I am feeling all of the things the books say I should feel: feminine, serene, and in a state of emotional ecstasy. I spend most of my waking moments picturing my future perfect motherhood with my future perfect baby, and when I do, it's in soft-focus, with dappled sunlight and hippie wind chimes. I'm so happy I could puke a friggin' rainbow."

Related: Mom humor: 5 funny books on pregnancy and parenting

Johanna continues, "I'm at a picnic table with some friends when a woman in a bikini walks over and asks if she can borrow a bottle opener. She is quite fit--except for her very exposed tummy, which is taut yet full; there's no mistaking it, this is a belly full of arms and legs. Sizing up the bulge, I pin her at maybe five months along. I touch her hand and lean in to ask, 'So, how far along are you?' She blinks, then says, 'I'm not pregnant.'" Check out the video to find out what happens next.

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