Razor burn

Honesty, how annoying is crotch maintenance? There's the taking care of it (by whatever means, all obnoxious), the three minutes where it's smooth and nice, the itchy, uncomfortable sprout period and then the taking care of it again. And this is leaving aside the worst part of all—the hideous, scary, why-is-this-happening-to-me-Oh-Lord-I-just
-wanted-to-look-cute-in-a-bathing-suit red bumps. Much like my period, I've been in denial about these fiery blemishes for about, I don't know, 20 years? Every time they appear I just feel mad inside, and also a little like a lady failure. I've tried everything, and by everything I mean shaving with conditioner and then moisturizing with Vaseline afterwards because I heard that works from one of the prostitutes on that HBO show Cat House. It's doesn't.

Red bumps not sexy. Me lazy.

What to do?
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