by Aaron Traister, REDBOOK
Hello everybody, it's the week before the week of Valentine's Day - I refuse to acknowledge that there is a football game being played on Sunday because it still hurts too much to admit the Eagles lost in the opening round of the playoffs to Aaron Rodgers and the ridiculous Green Bay Packers.
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So I'll be taking my mind off of Aaron Rodgers' dumb beard and golden arm by starting my yearly crusade against Valentine's Day a week early.
Valentine's Day is the worst. I don't know single guy who remotely likes, or looks forward to, Valentine's Day. If they tell you they're into it, don't believe them, they are lying. Valentine's Day is the yappy-dog-that-fits-in-a-pocket-book of holidays. We tolerate it because you seem to have some unexplained affection for it. We feel like it is designed to make men feel like inadequate insensitive failures.
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The only two groups of men who I could possibly imagine liking Valentine's Day are dudes in high school (for obvious reasons) and guys who are criminally insane. That's it, hormone-addled teens and guys who have tinfoil underwear.
I'm not saying that there aren't normal guys out there who are very good at the Valentine's Day game. Those are the guys who are usually sitting next to you and your girlfriend at the restaurant; the guys who get the entire place's attention before they give their significant other a helper monkey wearing a diamond tennis bracelet, and then sing "La Vie en Rose" a capella while the monkey dances. They always seem to pull off these Valentine's day miracles of thoughtfulness right after you've given your girlfriend a box of Russell Stover's to eat in the Honda on the ride home.
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I can't stand those guys (I bet Aaron Rodgers is one of those guys). My one consolation is that I know they hate V-Day as much as every other guy on the planet, they're just better at planning ahead (and probably have a little more money if they can afford that monkey). But it's still forced; it's not a natural expression of love for you. It is an artificial force that puts pressure on us to perform for you...like the monkey (hey, I'm really pulling this together). Valentine's Day is the Cubic Zirconium of romance.
So, over the next two weeks, I'll be a little more active on the ol' blogster here at redbookmag.com. I'll be grumpily answering V-Day questions and offering helpful insights about how to de-emphasize the more traumatic elements of the holiday for the guy in your life, while finding alternate ways to get him to express his inner Johhny Depp or Don Juan or Steve Miller or whatever.
Related: Valentine's Day plans generator
So enjoy a weekend full of professional figure skating, and I'll be back soon with more on this rant. And if you have any questions about this blasted holiday, send them my way!
Let's Go Eagles!
Do you expect your man to plan something for Valentine's Day?
- Yes, I'm a sucker for roses and chocolates.
- No, I think Valentine's Day is overrated.
- Yes, I don't need a big cheesy display of love, but a card would be nice.
- No, we plan something romantic and low-key together.
- Yes, I always hope he'll plan something romantic, but it usually doesn't happen.
Need help decoding odd male behavior? Redbook columnist Aaron Traister, who lives in Philadelphia with his wife and two kids, is our resident male who is happy to answer any questions you might have about the mind of a man. Either leave your questions in the comments or email him at firstname.lastname@example.org with Whys Guy in the subject. Letters, emails, and comments may be edited for clarity and length.
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Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.