Thanks to our airbrushed, porn-obsessed, women-as-objects, celebrity-uber-fit culture, the female of the species is all messed up when it comes to body image. The standards are near-impossible to meet, unless you deny yourself all culinary delights, can afford a personal trainer, have the time to work out three hours a day, and don't age. Bonus points if you have an eating disorder!
Nothing we can say will make you stop hating your body. That's a thought pattern carved deeply into the crevices of your brain that only years of therapy and maybe a great plastic surgeon could even begin to erase. But maybe we can help you muster up enough courage to get nekkid in front of a guy with these 10 points:
- Know that it's not as bad as you think. Yes, we know, it's bad. But it could be worse (a basketball-sized goiter…or a tail).
- Do NOT say, "Hey, would this be a big deal?" In a perfect world, we'd tell you to say absolutely nothing and just act like you're totally comfortable in your own skin. But we understand the impulse to want to publicly acknowledge the disappointment you have in your own body. For this reason, you may make a self-deprecating, jokey comment ONCE about you two being in different body classes before you do it. But you may NOT whine, complain, ask for reassurance, or go on and on about your bad body to him. At least not as a part of foreplay.
- Just act like you're totally comfortable in your own skin. It's a cliche because it's true. Confidence is sexy, self-consciousness is not, so fake it if you have to. Make like a honey badger and don't give a s---. Because pretending you don't give a s--- is the best way to come as close as possible to really not giving a s---.
- Turn the lights off. Do it at night. Keep some clothes on. Stay under the sheets. There's no need to hit the overhead florescents and start doing jumping jacks in front of him.
- Stick with the missionary position. So you have gravity working for you, not against you.
- Break open a bottle of wine. We're not saying get blotto, but if it's going to happen, a nice little buzz beforehand may make you (and him) not care so much.
- Don't let your self-hatred make you miss out on life. Even if you do it and it sucks, chances are on your death bed you won't be saying "I really shouldn't have slept with that smokin' hot guy I was really into and who I got along great with." But it you don't do it, you might end up saying "I wonder what would have happened if I'd slept with that smokin' hot guy I was really into and who I got along great with."
- Not to pile on, but remember that there are other things to worry about. Sure, it may not work out. But there are plenty of things besides your less than perfect body that might get in the way, like the fact that he's not that great in bed, that you have incompatible astrological signs, that it turns out you really don't like him as much as you thought….
- Have sex like a dude. Make like a man and hook up with a hottie if the opportunity presents itself without shame, reservation or (too much) self-reflection. Don't worry about him and what he's thinking; instead focus on your pleasure and how pumped you'll be to be able to tell your friends you did it with a smoke show.
- Use sex as a litmus test. If you do it and your body is a deal breaker for him, then consider yourself lucky that you found out what a superficial, shallow prick he is early on.
We know this isn't ideal, perfect-world, politically correct, aspirational advice, which is the kind of stuff we usually go gaga for around these here parts. But this is one case where we're willing to come down from the rafters and get our hands in the dirt: women's body image issues rae emotionally messy stuff - imperfect and un-pretty. But hopefully, when we all talk openly and honestly about how f--- ed up it is, we'll all be a little easier on ourselves and allow ourselves to enjoy our bodies and their potential pleasures a little more.
Honey Badger Wannabes,