Chris Harrison looks ready for a brainstorm 'sesh' on potential bachelors. Good. (Photo by Todd Williamson/Wir …You guys I just talked to Chris. You know Chris Harrison? Host of the Bachelor? Yeah, he sent me a telepathic text over stalker-brain asking me to read an interview he did online today. Major crisis situation: the next season of the series is set for filming, the female contestants are cast, but they're still missing a bachelor. Last season's dumped contestant, Chris L., was the forerunner to take over. And he'd be perfect since he totally reminds me of the phrase, "[insert man here]". Brackets and all. But according to Chris, the show is holding out for a brand new hero who's never been on the series before. "I just want to get someone new, break the cycle!" he said. (Me too! Oh you mean for the show.)
For the past 14 seasons contestants have had to measure up to certain stringent requirements.
- Primary features: universally attractive, sexy career, heroic in some way, and single. Simple enough.
- But wait: Generalized cube shaped features, jawline sharp enough to double as a food processor blade in the event of a craft services meltdown, a deft ability to throw a football in the event of homosexuality rumors, 30 pack abs in the event of a shirtless horseback date in Fiji, neutered sense of humor in the event of saying "I'm on a journey of the heart" believably, and an impressive career that's easily scrapped in the event of an offer to host the People's Choice Awards pre-show on Access Hollywood.
- There's more: heartbeat should be just shy of a flatline, and CAT scans of brain activity should match those of a duck, but precisely. Am I forgetting anything? Oh yes, white. Got to be white.
(Photo by Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images)Bachelor #1: Hannibal Buress. Okay this is going to sound a little crazy. I'm just spitballing here. How about... a bachelor who's black?! Does anyone else find it disturbing that an African American man has a better chance of living in the White House than the Bachelor house? Buress needs to bust open those over-sized gilded McMansion doors. The New York-based comedian and television writer understands woman, particularly ones like Liz Lemon. Because he writes the words she speaks. He moved from SNL to 30 Rock this year, so yeah, he has a good job. It's no dog shampoo dealer, like Rome Bachelor Lorenzo, but he's probably got health insurance. Also he's hot. Please call him for this show. Then have him call me so we can talk about how it went-- over drinks. He'll have the Spanish fly.
(Photo by Duffy-Marie Arnoult/WireImage)Bachelor #2: Brad Goreski
I know I just blew your mind with Hannibal, but maybe you should also consider a gay bachelor. I hear it's a big thing with the kids now. Also the rich, powerful people in the country, not that they have any say. This handsome chap is a seasoned reality star, as a stylist on Bravo's The Rachel Zoe Project. He's also a good dresser so you can save on a wardrobe person for hometown dates. Plus, with clients like Kate Hudson and Johnny Weir, you're bound to get some better celebrity cameos than Jeffery Osborne.
(Photo by Frank Micelotta/Getty Images) Bachelor #3: Dhani Harrison He's an heir to the kingdom of freaking music, okay? George Harrison's lookalike son is a 32 year-old musician who plays the guitar a lot better than Bachelor Pad's Wes. He's performed with everyone from Wu-Tang to Eric Clapton and collaborated on the Beatles: Rock Band video game. I know what you're thinking: can he bunjee jump? Yes! After college he pursued a career in aerodynamics so he's probably also open to making out on a tightrope 3400 feet above ground.
(Photo via L.A. Times)Bachelor #4: Joe St. George What's he do, you ask? Saves freaking dogs. Also people. The L.A. based firefighter paramedic (those are two really hard jobs smooshed together) hoisted himself down on a rope and rescued a dog stuck in a river ravine. It was storming, the dog was freaking out, he carried him in burly, muscular, yet caring arms to safety. All while the dog gnawed on his arm to the point where he had to get stiches. He was hailed as a hero. But this handsome divorcee was just doing his job. Not sold yet? He also has a mustache. Job=done.
(Photo via Huffington Post)Bachelor #5: Charles Best I know the title of "non-profit CEO" pales in comparison to "real estate management analyst" (which also means actor) but Best, whose work was spotlighted on the Huffington Post, should be on your short list. The 29 year-old former Bronx teacher created DonorsChoose.org, a site that pairs classroom needs with individual donors. I can already see a group date where he introduces the women to the children whose lives he's changed. Or maybe they all take a pottery class and then put their work up for auction with the proceeds going to his organization and the girl with the top selling ashtray going on a helicopter ride while the band Train performs a private concern in the cockpit. (Photo via Ferross.org)Bachelor #6: Feross Aboukhadijeh I can't believe you haven't had a tech geek as a bachelor. It's not 1984 anymore. Jocks are out. Nerds are in. And this Stanford University student is a nerd about to be loaded. He recently created--in his dorm room, mind you-- a instant streaming version of YouTube that could effectively compete with Google's buzzed about instant model. You know, just for fun. YouTube's CEO just offered the college kid a job. He's clearly a genius, with the kind of career that people want to make movies about, and cute too. Maybe kill the whole marriage proposal thing in the end, though, since this guy's only 19. We don't want to scare him off.
(Photo by Matt Carr/Getty Images) Bachelor #7: Bill Murray
Collectively as a nation we want to see Bill Murray find love. It's a cultural phenomenon we can't let go of, like Australians and Vegemite. Sexy, currently single, a living legend, and an expert at expressing the ennui of romance---all I'm saying is it can't hurt to ask if he's free for six weeks. If you've already cast much younger women, that's okay. He was unflinchingly well-paired with Scarlett Johannson in Lost in Translation. And don't forget all the male viewers you'll attract. Rose ceremonies would have to be deadpan, you understand. And none of this helicopter business. Bill likes a little more legroom. But contestants could vie for dates to the Venice Film Festival, or an extra role on the set of his new movie. You know what? Forget the dates altogether. Just lock him in the house with the contestants for a few weeks and let them hang out. Tiny revelations will be made, paternal dynamics will develop and then cross taboo boundaries, a regrettable one night stand will end comedically, a passionate romance will thrive on lack of consummation. And in the end, we'll wonder if he's even going to choose a wife at all. Actually that's already how the show plays out now. See? He'll fit right in.