We're not afraid to admit it: even though Jersey Shore is the latest show-you-love-to-hate, we kinda like you. Your "Porn Star in Training" trucker hat makes us laugh. Your back walkovers in a thong and mini skirt impress us. And your ability to come up with jewels like, "He shows his good side then he shows his jerk off side, that's what I like: a good guy and a jerk off, it's all in the same," give us writer's envy. (BTW, Snooki isn't the only badass chick we have a girl crush on.)
But as great as you are, there's one thing about you that really bothers us. (And no, it's not your "freakin' poof.") Our issue with you is that you bake your skin. We were willing to overlook the comments about your ideal man being "Italian, dark, muscles, juice-head, guido" since maybe you just meant a naturally dark-skinned guy (who, uh, uses Steroids?) and your ultimate dream being "to move to Jersey, find a nice juiced, hot, tanned guy and live my life" since maybe you were referring to a guy who spray-tans (and, uh, uses Steroids?). Guess what? We've figured out which self-tanners are actually good for your sex life.
Then we caught you on Leno last night and heard you say that to change the world, "I would put tanning beds in everybody's home." Seriously, Snookers? We're adding that to the list of most insane things we've ever heard. Maybe you've been too busy teasing your hair and hooking up with girls in hot tubs to read about how incredibly dangerous tanning beds are, especially for young women like you. In fact, indoor tanning devices are a known carcinogen and have been linked to melanoma, which happens to be the most deadly skin cancer, and also the second most commonly reported cancer for women in their twenties. Research shows that if you go for indoor tans before you're 30, you'll have a 75 percent higher risk of melanoma, which is only one of the reasons you should stop fake-baking, pronto! Not to mention those icky cosmetic issues like wrinkling, bagging, and sagging. Really, do you want to go for the Cabana Lady look decades before your time?
You obviously care about the well-being of other living creatures-hell, you wouldn't eat a lobster in the last episode because "it's alive when you kill it." So where's the love for your fellow human beings? We'd much rather see you make it your goal to provide Americans with something healthy for their homes, like, you know, pickles.
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Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.