aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Sure, opposites attract, but that doesn't mean they're going to have anything to say to each other while they're spooning after all that hot, opposites-attracting kind of sex. Write this down on a Post-It and stick it on your bathroom mirror, because we can't always be there to say, "I told you so"--no matter how much we enjoy doing so.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You like someone. Frequent the places where this someone hangs out. Make it look coincidental, not obvious. Fate is sexy, stalking isn't.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Someone may try to push you to make a decision regarding a relationship. If you have to think about it, you probably aren't ready to move that fast. Then again, maybe you just haven't had your morning coffee yet and are feeling a little sluggish. Perhaps you have a head cold, or are hungover, and just need time to wake up and smell the roses of romance. Still, chances are you're a selfish, immature b*stard who's afraid to grow up and won't commit. At least we'll still love you. (For a little commitment encouragement, here's 10 Better Things About Being in a Relationship)
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Yeah, you're a freak. But that's O-Kay. Who wants to be like everybody else? Predictable is boring. If someone doesn't understand your borderline-sexual obsession with dolls, or your job at the morgue, or your collection of antique speculums, well then, they probably aren't good enough for you anyway. (We've found a Great Big Chart of Fetishes that's guaranteed to make even you cancers feel boring.)
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
We talk a big game here about not assuming exclusivity in a relationship until you've had "the talk," but dating in a plural sense is not for the faint of heart. No matter how honest you are with everyone involved (you have been honest with everyone, haven't you?), you can only keep it going for so long before someone starts to get upset, pouty, jealous, or psycho. We're only human, after all, and "thanks so much for the great head, I have to go shower for my next date" doesn't make anyone feel warm and fuzzy. It might be time to make like the Bachelor/ette and start kicking some of your followers to the curb. If you can arrange to have them picked up in a limo, that would be a nice touch.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Put a collar on yourself and hand your date the leash. Let them lead the way. Better to see where they're going rather than taking off for the nearest fire hydrant and embarrassing yourself. (Only take this advice literally if you're heavy into BDSM. And if you are, remember this: Never EVER lead someone from behind with a leash, like you would walk a dog, it's way dangerous. Always lead from the front.) [We've also got a step-by-step guide to tying your partner's hands in bed.]
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
This week, according to the stars, "You will be difficult to turn down and impossible to ignore." Kind of like a puppy who has to pee real bad. Your persistence, however, will pay off--especially if you throw in a home-cooked meal, a couple of backrubs, and chocolate cake.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Whoever said business and pleasure don't mix never experienced the unique joy of getting busy on their boss's desk. Something to think about this week. (Video: Have you had sex in the office?)
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Hey Sag, were you in the debate club in high school? We thought as much. Your persuasive ways will come in handy this week, though for matters far more salacious than "Should juniors be allowed to leave campus for lunch?" Then again, we all know why the juniors wanted to leave campus for lunch, heh heh.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
So, Cap, you want the good news or the bad news first? The good news is, that thing you do (you know, that thing) is going to be winning you fans all over the place. The bad news is, you're a terrible decision maker. So you'll probably get lucky, but not as lucky as you might have done, had you chosen better. Hey, ya win some, ya lose some. Better luck next time.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You may be desperate, but no one need know it but us. So go on that blind date and act like like it's no big deal. We won't tell anyone that this could be your last shot at true romantic happiness.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You don't want to seem overly anxious: ants in your pants are uncomfortable and wearing your heart on your sleeve went out of style with Members Only jackets. But as much as we hate to admit it, Members Only jackets made a comeback (God help us!). So honestly and enthusiastically expressing how you feel in terms of sex and/or romance may get you where you want to be this week. And encouraging your (potential) partner(s) to do the same could get them where you want them to be.
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