The Struggle to Become Relevant Again

We're coming into the last third of 2012, still waiting to see whether History again will be repeated or will the country revert back to a time when the hopes and dreams of african-americans were just that. This isn't about politics in any form, that's what November brings. Will the Ravens right the ship after major inconsistencies in the first half of the season and having a week off for their bye, start back again on Sunday with a game that they have to win. But this isn't a sports blog either; it's just what happens in November. My biggest concern will I find meaningful employment so I don't have to feel depressed again this holiday season like so many in the past. Last year was a little different, I was working for a contractor of a state agency as a temp, so while I enjoyed the many days off afforded to state employees I didn't get paid for them because I just started the last week of November, so even as a temp employee I had not accrued any leave time. So there were a few 4 day work week checks because of that. I've been behind in payments of some major bills, so they took it upon themselves to garnish my wages, so again I didn't see the full fruits of my hard work but I couldn't complain because I wasn't trying to run away from the debtors without work as my Late Father would say, "You can't squeeze blood out of a turnip". Even though most of my pay was gone before I got my hands on it, at least I was being productive and that was just as important as not enough wages. Of course being so far behind I had to start off with getting the right inclement weather wardrobe that would be necessary for me, especially since I took public transportation. Then it was making sure that I set aside money for my necessities for grooming along with any co-pays needed for my prescriptions. So unfortunately when Christmas came I didn't have any extra money to buy presents for my Nephew's new baby girl nor would I have anything to buy for my new granddaughter who didn't come before the end of 2011, but she made her grand entrance on January 1st of this year.

After the New Year started it became apparent to me at my job, it wasn't going to work out because my Supervisor for some reason didn't afford me the respect for no other reason I was older than she was. But the other reason was because she really didn't have any meaningful interaction with me other than e-mails. Yep, I sent her an e-mail when I arrived, and when I was going to break, leaving for lunch, returning from lunch, and of course when I was leaving for the day even though she left a half hour before I did. That last one to me didn't make much sense, but who was I to question her requests. The few times when she took the time to speak with me at her desk, she would make it seem as though I would be across the room instead of inches away from her. Others could hear our conversations and while I tried to maintain my professionalism and respect her for her position she held, she didn't feel that I was worthy of at least that. This became increasingly frustrating especially when others would call me or see me in the halls and say why I allowed her to speak to me in such a manner. My remarks were, I've just got back into the workplace after four years, and regardless of how many witnesses supposedly had, no one would jeopardize their positions or tenure because of a temp. I would contact my recruiter asking if I could be placed in a more traditional Customer Service Position upstairs because I felt I wasn't used to my full potential in that department. Surprisingly, knowing how the Supervisor in question was, they just asked me to stick it out for 4 months and then they would see if they could move me. Now at the time of my request, I never did think of what was the relevancy of staying in the department for 4 months. But I would find out that later. I went through training for those few weeks with the rest of my class, and subsequent training after I got on the floor, I did sit-by's with a couple of ladies that felt my taking notes methods were different than what they were used to so they in turn felt as though I wasn't either paying attention or in their words, "wasting their time", even though they didn't have to much responsibility even if they hadn't been the ones that had to train me. In fact one without warning on one Friday at the end of the day just said this is my last day, hugged a few people and left. Only to surface the following Monday catching the same elevator as we did but she was not working 3 floors up. She went from the 5th to the 8th in one weekend. So I was thinking that I would have more responsibility other than sitting with individuals.

Most of them wanted to either speculate or just put rumors out that the young lady that left was going to be let go had she not got transferred because of the mistakes she made that was causing work to be rejected and sent back to our department. Now while I didn't engage nor ask why the sudden departure, first because again of advice Daddy would give me, "Keep your mouth shut and your ears open and everything you need to know would be brought forth to you". And he was right again because some of my new responsibility was to redo the work that was returned to our department because of procedural errors the young lady made. So I assumed it was true why she left, but it didn't matter I was finally doing something that made me feel productive. I even started to make myself comfortable around my desk area bringing a plant and putting up a few pictures to let people know this was my desk. I even went to great lengths to ingratiate myself with my co-workers and superiors, even one evening being a part of a planned event, hanging out for "Happy Hour". Little did I know it would be the only outing as an employee of that company. Two weeks later I got a call from my recruiter, telling me to pack up and leave the building quickly and quietly. At least there were no Security Guard escorts as I had seen before for others, but people knew me better than that. I was in shock, but I making a fool out of myself wouldn't get my job back. The official reason they gave was attendance issues that I had requested in advance and was granted and I provided documentation as to my whereabouts every single time. In some instances, I requested the entire day, but I didn't need the entire day so I came back to work. Now I was harboring some emotions but I still didn't wan't to make more work for the other young lady who sat across from me. You see we were given a special project that basically was trying to catch up as much as possible of an over five year backlog. As I was leaving the building I was met by people who came down to catch me and give me a hug before I left.

They knew like I did it wasn't justified, but I was relieved because I wasn't being challenged nor given responsibility enough for me. Oh By the Way my tenure lasted 4 months. I had to get on the Bus with my personal belongings in my box and came to where I am staying, wondering what I was going to do next. First the explanations, I was laid off, and then what order of who I would tell first. Then through all of that, I was wondering what I was going to do next. I was tired of explaining the gaps in employment, why such short tenures, having to update my resume and with each submission, a specific cover letter to explain how qualified I am, but yet for the next 7 months I have no concrete prospects. I've gotten more calls from people who think I would work for Aflac than any other company. I'm looking at it with the perspective, I almost to be thought of as being unhireable. That is a scary possibility. Some people have told me that I should write. My memoirs short stories and because of my passion towards my family, some disagreements, essentially to act as therapy getting things off my chest.That's where the fear comes in. I feel that I have a story to tell, that would even help at least one person who had self-confidence, continuity, faith, and happiness but in a matter of several years things have gone a whole 180 degrees. My will and belief is almost if not gone totally. I get up in the morning with no direction. Now there are some if not all in my inner circle who can't understand why I feel the way that I do. These are some of the same people who couldn't understand nor even care to unless it happened to someone else they knew relate to my having a 11 year battle with Kidney Stones. A family member told me she didn't appreciate the pain I endured until she witnessed someone in church having to be taken to the hospital in pain, and the diagnosis being that he had a stone. I guess I should have just forgiven her and told her "Yeah, I pretty much lost 3 jobs and had several procedures some experimental, some painful beyond belief, and it was only because of a piece of calcification that was no bigger than the sulphur on a match stick". And the individual who stated the pain from passing a stone is equal to a Mother giving birth. Now while I've witnessed the birth of children before, for the most part the end result was because of pre-planning for that event. Nobody in their right mind plans to have a stone and then can't pass it. Look I love to talk, I've always have since I was a young boy. I was introduced at an early age to speaking into a microphone and even singing with my Mother.

Then in Junior High, my Principal saw something in me and encouraged me to take up oratorical speaking. I did well, of course with my Parents encouraging me and listening to speech after speech and critiquing me on patterns, when to take breaths, and of course enunciation. I felt important because so much was made out of my success. It was also then that I was told that I had to be ten times better than the opposition some places I would travel to and I would still lose. I didn't understand. Now over 40 some years later, I definitely remember, and I am so glad that I was prepared somewhat for the disappointments that I have gone through so much. But I don't feel confident. I feel like time is passing me by. I look at the website Pinterest and look at and re-pin some of the motivational words that have been said by people from the past and contemporary speakers, trying to motivate individuals like me. I want my family to be proud of me, I want my estranged children to be proud of me, I want my Legacy to reflect success doing what as a kid made me happiest. Talking, using my imagination, and hopefully clearing my mind of some of the clutter that has almost over taken my thinking for years. This will not be sexy, not too much political, just one man's account of life in some pivotal times up to the present. If successful then I want someone to be able to read it to me if by any chance my memory starts to leave me. I want to be relevant again, is that so much to ask?