You know those friends who post endlessly about how unbelievably awesome their lives are? Don't buy the hype. We translate what their updates are actually saying.
By Jessica Knoll
So, you log onto Facebook during your lunch break, and as you're scrolling through your feed, read things like "Taking the red-eye sucks, but first class eases the pain. Miss Hawaii already!", "It's been a month since Dan popped the question and I still can't stop staring at my ring.", "Dinner at Maison Pierre, dancing at Legend, oxygen facial, Marc Jacobs shopping spree (oops!)-yep, it was an epic weekend." Cue eye-roll and audible sigh.
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With all that bragging, it's no wonder a Stanford University study found that social networking sites create feelings of loneliness and dissatisfaction. The reason? Since we generally use FB to report only on the good things we have going on, reading status updates makes you think everyone else is happier and having more fun than you are.
Rarely do we hear about people getting dumped via text or see photos of them looking like a zombie after a long Monday. Rather, we get news about their exciting career and relationship developments, and see pics of them looking their hottest. What's more, a separate study by York University in Canada found that people with low self-esteem and narcissistic tendencies were the most likely to use Facebook to "self-promote." Basically, what you see there is not an accurate representation of the person's real life.
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Look, a little self-promotion is not a bad thing. If someone posts a super flattering photo of you, tag that baby. If you get a promotion, by all means toot your own horn. But it's the chicks who clog up our newsfeed with daily reminders about how crazy-great their lives are that we have a bone to pick with. Here's a guide to the five most annoying Facebook showoffs, and truth behind their lying words.
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The Type: The Smug Newlywed
Profile Picture: A klassy black and white shot of the new bride on her wedding day, staring tenderly into the eyes of her best friend and lovah
Status: It's an Hermes and Tiffany's birthday! My hubby is beyond.
Translation: I am willing to overlook the fact that my hubby thinks my clitoris is two inches south of where it really is because his bank account is beyond.
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The Type: The 28-Year-Old Woman-Child
Profile Picture: Splashing around in tropical waters and looking so damn carefree you kind of wish she would drown
Status: Just saw that there's another snowpocolypse hitting the Northeast. So glad I'm sitting on the beach drinking something frozen right now. It's a rough life, but someone's gotta live it!
Translation: Thank God I don't have one of those "real jobs" and all the stress that comes along with it. I just have a buttload of credit card debt, absolutely no direction in life, and a big blue ocean to absorb my tears. Waiter, a third Margarita please!
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The Type: Very Busy and Very Important
Profile Picture: Dancing on a bar, rocking duck lips and/or a peace sign. Extra points if she's wearing oversized sunglasses at night in a completely serious way.
Status: ZOMG big week ahead: Gaga concert on Tuesday, dinner with the girls at the impossible to get into new sushi spot on Wednesday, private DVF sample sale on Thursday (thanks, Becca!), then mani/pedis and Lizzie's b-day brunch on Saturday.
Translation: Dear popular girls from middle and high school who refused to let me eat at your lunch table and told everyone that I smelled like onions, Check out how VIP my life is now.
The Type: In a Relationship and Flaunting It
Profile Picture: A close up of her boyfriend kissing her on the cheek. That she took herself.
Status: Above an uploaded picture of a dozen roses: "Flowers from the sweetest boyfriend in the world. ♥"
Translation: Did you hear? I have a boyfriend. So not a big deal or anything but I just wanted everyone to know that I'm not some single loser and I have one. A boyfriend, that is.
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The Type: The Easy-Breezy New Mommy
Profile Picture: Her totes adorbs bundle of joy
Status: Everyone told me I was going to get zero sleep these first few months of parenthood, but little Matty is just so amazing and lets his Momma get eight solid hours every single night!
Translation: Lack of zzzs has made me delusional to the point that I really think this is true. Did I also mention that Little Matty was born potty-trained and bilingual? Yup-sir-ee!
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