After buckets of tears and a couple of bad bruises on the ego, a girl with a certain degree of sanity, a few precious friends who make up her support group & some counselling with her local hairdresser and or masseuse, she finally takes a bath, braves the thorny road towards her favorite coffee shop and reconnects with the real world. She takes a sip of her brew of choice & feels that everything is going fine. She will be more than fine. Then suddenly, she hears a peculiar sound coming from her bag. Apparently, she has forgotten to change the ring tone, but oh well, she has been meaning to download that "ugly" song her friends have been begging her to memorize. she looks at her phone and truth be told, she realized she has not forgotten those 10 digits even after deleting them a hundred times for the past 12 months. she panics, takes another sip of her coffee and makes a silent plea for help from the Greek god Hermes to send some of his humor so she can survive the first call from her ex boyfriend.
See the problem with ex boyfriends and other exes is that they never respect the title that they now have, an EX. We can write it in any language but it will always be the same, an ex has been crossed out on our list of people worth remembering. What really sucks are the lame excuses that they have in inching their way towards your mobile space.
Here are the top ten no brainer excuses:
1. I miss you... no he does not miss you, he just misses the things that made him "happy" when you were together, besides he left you so it begs the question to think that he misses something he intentionally left
2. I'm sad...well good for him because that's exactly what you felt when he left you for another person
3. I just want to know how you are...translation, have you found someone else because my relationship sucks right now
4. I'm just wondering if we can have coffee sometime...he just wants to make sure that he made the right decision to dump you, so he would like to see if you're still hot & happening or you have mutated into a fat ugly dog
5. Can we have lunch...bull crap! you want to share lunch because you're schedule is wide open for some ego flipping. he is expecting you to jump on the first invitation just so he knows that he still has "it" over you
6. I just thought of you today...he only means his video game console is not working, his gf is unavailable and his cable is out
7. Can we have dinner, my treat...run!!! and never look back! its a blatant insult to your 12 month reprieve. it's the most pathetic precursor for a booty call
8.What happened to us? I'm having doubts if I made the right decision...heard about regret being the last piece of wisdom in any decision making process based on lust & prejudice? well, as soon as you read or hear those words, turn off your phone, go straight to your refrigerator and start reminding your taste buds why macadamia haagen daz ice cream is better than sex. this backsliding to www.sadplanet.com has already jumped ship and drowned.
9. I was hoping we can still be best friends...this is my personal favorite. it is astounding for a poor excuse of a guy to actually believe that his acts of indiscretion, hateful words and insults, not to mention her girlfriend's excuses for asking you to stop seeing your ex for no apparent reason except her paranoia, will just be forgiven and forgotten, just because he wants to you to be his best friend? what he really means is, his relationship has turned out worse than what you used to have and he wants a life boat just in case he finally jumps ship. tell this poor excuse of a human being to tie a double knot around his neck and allow a horse to drag him around town.
10. Nothing, I just wanted to talk to you...exactly, nothing means he just happen to not do anything and he found it amusing to dial your number or text you without meaning to. he is just that, nothing, so stop wasting even a second of your life to lowlife.
Cynical, bitter, or whatever it is you may want to accuse me of...these are facts and the rules do not exempt even those who are good hearted individuals who believe in happily ever after tales. Now you know...why are you still talking your ex?