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    Want to get someone's attention? Listen


    Getty ImagesGetty ImagesLast week I experienced something rare. I did an interview with someone who listened far more than she spoke. It was all the more unusual since I was supposed to be the one asking the questions.

    I left with the feeling that I had been talking with a very smart and thoughtful person. I also left feeling flattered that she cared about my opinions.

    I brought up this experience while talking to my friend Kibum, who is in his first year at law school. He was bemoaning the state of affairs in his classes where over-eager "gunners" reliably raise their hands each day to ensure that the professors choose them to answer questions in front of the class. (Clearly, nothing has changed since my law school days.) Kibum, who is of Korean descent but was raised primarily in the US, believes that Americans are obsessed with hearing ourselves speak. In Asia, he explained, there is so much emphasis on being deferential to your elders, that even when you are older, you naturally take more of a listening position in the conversation when you meet someone new. Though he admits that the Korean approach does sometimes stifle people (and schools there are now emphasizing presentation skills and speaking up), he finds that Americans are so concerned with looking smart that they sometimes they don't even properly respond to the flow of conversation.

    All of this got me wondering why so much career advice -- including, I'll admit, some coming from me -- focuses on our ability to express our ideas, hone our speaking skills, and make ourselves heard. When I scan my shelves looking at books I've been sent to review, there are reams of titles on public speaking, storytelling and self-promotion, but few titles emphasize the importance of listening. And when I searched online to find experts on listening, I found few results, unless you count the references to teaching listening skills to children.

    So why is it that we care about teaching children how to listen, but somehow as adults we become so preoccupied with hearing our own voices that we don't pay enough attention to one another? As the world gets noisier with new forms of messaging vying for our attention, I suspect this problem will only worsen.

    To get a better handle on this, I spoke to Lindy Amos, a former actor who is director of coaching for TAI, a consulting firm that helps people improve their communication skills. Amos has worked with hundreds of people trying to improve their ability to communicate effectively and she says that people frequently come to her saying that the need to hone their message or that their subordinates are not listening. In most cases, she says, what people really need to do is work on their ability to listen -- and that means listening not just with the ears but with as many senses as possible. Lindy coaches her clients to stop focusing on themselves and to notice and react to what is happening around them. "It's about taking in all the cues - what people are saying, how they are sitting, specific details of the room - and then properly responding to that," she said. "It's about literally slowing down to see your audience,
    inviting them into the dialog."

    What do you think is going on with people's listening skills?

    I've been pondering this problem for a while and here are some tips I gave the last time I visited this subject. Have you found any techniques to improve your listening skills?

     

    29 comments

    • HC  •  2 years 10 months ago
      PEOPLE SHOULD JUST FOCUS AND LISTEN TO THE PERSON SPEAKING AND BLOCK OUT ALL SOUNDS AROUND. TRY IT, IT DOES WORK.
    • JOAN  •  3 years 0 months ago
      I FEEL THIS INFORMATION WAS VERY INTERESTING. I AGREE WITH IT VERY MUCH I AM VERY MUCH A LISTENER MOST OF THE TIME AND IT IS GOOD WAY TO HAVE CONVERSATION. THANK YOU JOAN SHEREN
    • Bob  •  3 years 0 months ago
      If you're not listening, You're not learning anything!
    • Dottie G  •  3 years 0 months ago
      technique I use to improve my listening skill, is to go outside in the evening and just listen
      and be still. That is difficult to do. Try it and see. Then you can put it into practice with co-workers
      and the people around you.
    • donf  •  3 years 0 months ago
      Being able to listen is not a natural thing, you have to practice in order to get it right. Not only do you have to listen with your ears but you also have to listen with your eyes, you would be surprised what you could learn about the person who is doing the talking and how much the appreciate it.
    • Jimmy  •  3 years 0 months ago
      I think we need to listen more and speak less
    • Edward  •  3 years 0 months ago
      You can't hear anything if you are to busy talking and in this day and age everybody feels what they have to say is more important than anybody else. Even the fool is wise when he is silent.
    • William  •  3 years 0 months ago
      you're wright in some degree,but if the person doesn't know what he talking about why listen
    • Cat  •  3 years 0 months ago
      Growing up...my Grandmother always said that to listen to someone, and be TRULY interested (not just "look" interested)is the most sincere compliment that can be given to them. This lesson has served me well in all aspects of life. I have tried to instill it in my son, and recently I overheard his girlfriend telling someone that the reason she fell in love was because he always asked about her, and then truly listened to what she said... Thanks Grandma!
    • ANNA  •  3 years 0 months ago
      listening first than talking,its more important we appreciate other's thought than ours then our turn comes,what a wonderful world even the deaf and mute will communicate.
    • ANNA  •  3 years 0 months ago
      listening first than talking,its more important we appreciate other's thought than ours then our turn comes,what a wonderful world even the deaf and mute will communicate.
    • dave  •  3 years 0 months ago
      A wise man once told me, "Use more of what you have two of and less of what you have one of." It took me a few seconds to think about it before I got it!
    • aaron s  •  3 years 0 months ago
      the bible saids to be swift to hear,slow to speak evenGod thinks it is more important to listen
    • Jimmy  •  3 years 0 months ago
      We do need to listen more. Seems like sometimes we just talk to much
    • Ronald B  •  3 years 0 months ago
      Often, listening is difficult if there's much to say about yourself, or a certain subject(s). Many other individuals learn and benefit from what one says. (Maybe, they're listening attentively too, to get to know the other person(s). Being outgoing truly has its advantages, and often helps others to overcome their quietness and/or shyness. Who knows? Everyone is different, and there's no right or wrong manner of listening or speaking. How does one succinctly respond to the age-old question/request of "Tell me about yourself"? It's noth e quantity of what one says, it's the quality. Ron B. in Cleveland, Ohio
    • nirmala  •  3 years 0 months ago
      yaeh, indeed listening workd but we need to know how to present our views in tfe most effective way.............
    • JOEL  •  3 years 0 months ago
      thanks for some tips...for me, the first thing to LEARN is to LISTEN.
    • Weasel  •  3 years 0 months ago
      Totally agree with the idea of effective listening. I know too many people who seem to be in love with sound of their own voice. You are on the money this article.
    • torkuma  •  3 years 0 months ago
      silence, sometimes, is golden.
    • Rachel  •  3 years 1 month ago
      Winston Churchill famously said that the best way to make someone think you're interesting is to let them do all the talking. They will walk away believing you are the most fascinating person they've met.

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