The 9 Emotional Stages of Spring Cleaning

By Lauren Le Vine, REDBOOK.

It's officially the first day of spring, and you know what that means: Let the annual foray into decluttering officially commence! As usual, you start with the best of intentions: This is the year you're going to give the house a complete cleaning from top to bottom. It's warming up outside, and you know you stashed away some lightweight sweaters 10 years ago that could definitely pass as retro at this point. You're finally going to find them! And it's not just going to be a physical cleaning, either. No, this is the year you cleanse your entire life. Now let's get to it!

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Stage 1: Motivation
Okay, what needs to get done here. I should probably make a list-lists help people stay on track, right? Wait, maybe there's an app for total spring cleaning domination. If there isn't, someone should really invent one. Wait, am I onto something here?

[Checks the app store]

Fine, so a ton of other people have had this idea. But that's not going to get me down! I'm even going to go on Pinterest to find nifty cleaning and organizing tricks. This place'll be worthy of a Martha Stewart spread when I'm through with it.

Stage 2: Euphoria
I've got my Pinterest tips organized onto a Get Decorganized board. I made a to-do list and checked it twice, Santa-style. I may have gone a little overboard with this color-coded daily schedule, but it's going to keep me on track like never before. Cue up "Eye of the Tiger," cause it's GO TIME.

Stage 4: Triumph
Well, I'd say the first day was an amazing success. I finally sorted old baby clothes into piles for friends and Goodwill--it totally doesn't matter that the "baby" is now in fifth grade. And now the drawer in her dresser that hasn't actually closed since she was a baby is firmly sealed shut. Tomorrow, I make the kitchen floor my b*tch.

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Stage 4: Distraction
At 9:39 a.m., I Googled "best natural cleaning solution for marinara sauce in kitchen floor grout." That somehow led to a YouTube video of a toddler recreating that scene from Lady and the Tramp with his puppy. I couldn't decide if it was cute or gross, so I posted it on Facebook to see what my friends thought. While I was on Facebook, I noticed that Dana and Mike are trying to get our old college crew together for brunch at their house. That, of course, meant going to our calendar and letting them know a weekend that would work, texting the hubs to see if he was cool with me RSVP'ing, and emailing the babysitter to book her for that Sunday. I'm so excited for this brunch! Let me go on Pinterest to find a killer stuffed French toast recipe to make.

Stage 5: Denial
I feel like there was something else I meant to do today... nah.

Stage 6: Regret
[Sees bucket on kitchen floor] Oh rightttttt. Spring cleaning. But now it's 3:30, and I have to pick Thad up from Little League, start dinner, write a blog post, and I still haven't decided what to make for Dana and Mike's brunch.

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Stage 7: Bargaining
I'll just call today a wash. Yes, I see the irony. I can't believe I thought I'd do the kitchen floor second, anyway. That's totally a last-thing-on-the-list job. It makes much more sense to find those sweaters and get rid of old clothes and toys--no point in cleaning around the clutter. Tomorrow, I'm going to come in like a wrecking ball: Miley-style. But not naked. There are some places you just don't want Windex, you know?

Stage 8: Defeat
Ugh, who even invented this concept anyway? Danny Tanner? And seriously, how does one family have so much stuff? I'm going to wet Swiffer the floor and call it a day. Wait… is my daughter wearing my sweater? Where did she find it?

Stage 9: Acceptance
I somehow produced an organizing genius and expert clothing locator who voluntarily took over my schedule. She actually sat me down and explained how "maybe spring cleaning isn't for me," and that I "have other talents, like making funfetti pancakes." My daughter basically just "meaningful moment at the end of Full House"-ed me, and I'm okay with that. Plus, I finally know what I'm going to bring to that brunch.

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