9 Things a Man Secretly Wants in Your Bedroom
By Aaron Traister, REDBOOK.
You know me, I'm always looking for new ways to prove my masculinity. I never miss an opportunity to show off my manhood. So when it came time to tear up the floors and redesign the second floor of my house, which includes our bedroom, I did what any hot-blooded man's man would do, I went looking for decorating ideas on Pinterest.
I was crushing a vintage décor board when I noticed something I liked had been pinned with a tag that read "masculine bedroom." I was, to quote my favorite rap song from the late nineties, "like whoa." Then, I discovered that lots of people had used the tag "masculine bedroom." All this time, and I had never thought of my bedroom as masculine or feminine. Really, it was just a place to throw dirty laundry on the floor and drool on my pillow and/or wife. How could I have been so careless with a chance to display my Y chromosome? I don't need a lot in life, but I definitely need a masculine bedroom.
So I embarked on a journey of discovery about how I can wring every drop of raw male energy out of how I decorate my bedroom. Here are some do's and don'ts I learned from Pinterest about giving your bedroom a little chest-hair-inspired flair.
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Do: Color
Color is an essential part of making your bedroom unique to you. With that in mind, masculine bedrooms are gray. Individuality is for hippies. Real men like gray rooms because it reminds us of dead fish and our cubicles at work. Apparently, you can use dark brown in a pinch, but frankly it feels like you're putting on airs, as no one is really going to mistake your drywall for wood. Some of you might also think blue is an acceptable color for a masculine bedroom. WRONG. I'm making about a man's room, not a boy's room--take that blue crap and your Star Wars bedsheets back to junior year of college.
Do: Typography
Regular art is too soft for a truly masculine bedroom. If you're weak and need some sort of visual stimulation to "liven up" your gray-walled revitalization chamber, then examples of typography are acceptable. Typography is an art form--someone did have to design those letters-but any traces of the humanity behind those sterile fonts are hidden behind layers of technical drawing and cold, calculated design. It's like a robot made of flesh designed those letters, but then again real men are just like robots made of flesh. If you're really soft and need some sort of figurative art, make sure that it's black and white. Colorful art is strictly verboten in a masculine bedroom.
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Do: Animal Imagery
Antlers and skulls are totally acceptable wall décor for obvious reasons. First of all, maybe you killed that animal yourself, which is totally alpha. Even if you didn't personally slay the mighty beast, antlers and skulls prove that you're comfortable with the reality that life is fleeting, and your time on Earth is finite. Eternity is gray and full of bones of the departed, just like your bedroom because you understand and do not fear mortality, just like a real man should.
Do: Industrial Lighting
Function over form in all things, including illumination.
Do: Modern Leather Chairs
You know who sits in a modern leather chair? The boss. And what are you? Well, you're not the boss; you work in Accounts Payable. But dammit, in your masculine bedroom, you can be the boss--the boss of grayness and bones illuminated by the harsh glare of old metal lamps. Just like a real leather-chair-having man.
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Do: Exposed Pipes
They're cool and industrial. Also: phallic-shaped.
Do: Minimalism
A bed, a leather chair, one or two industrial lights, and maybe a piece of typographical art. That's all you need, because a bed, a leather chair, some typographical art from Restoration Hardware, and some industrial lighting also from Restoration Hardware are all that a real man needs for a sustenance-giving night's sleep.
Don't: Photos of Loved Ones
Remember: Real men don't have loved ones, they have "dependent acquaintances;" people for whom they are in charge of providing clothing, shelter, and protection. They are like your employees. You wouldn't hang a picture of Lars from shipping in your office, so why would you want a picture of Noah from your wife's uterus hanging in your bedroom?
Don't: Color, Sunshine, and Warmth
These frivolities have no place in a real man's room. A real man knows his bedroom is really just a practice coffin.
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