How I Moved on from My Divorce

Linda Dejeu from Sacramento, CA is 25 anddivorced.It wasn't always easy for her to say those words, but in her experience with ending her marriage, she has grown stronger, braver and learned a lot about herself. Her openness in handling this emotional experience was inspiring to us and we were happy to have her share what she's been through with you. In our interview, she discusses trying to fix the issues in her marriage, what it's been like to be on her own again and howyoga was her therapyto finding peace andhappinessonce again.

Life2PointOh: How long were you married?
Linda: One and a half years.

Life2PointOh: Did you feel like the relationship was headed toward divorce or were you blindsided by it?
Linda: I felt it was headed toward a divorce. We were constantly arguing. We were both very unhappy with each other. We were on two very different pages in our lives. We had nothing in common. The list goes on and on.

Life2PointOh: Did you both discuss the issues to find a way to resolve them?
Linda: We both acknowledged and discussed that we had some issues with our relationship and we attempted to find ways to change so we could improve our marriage. However, it was lack of effort and follow through with the solutions that caused our relationship to deteriorate more and more. We had discussed counseling and had agreed to try it out. But, at the last minute, he had made up his mind that he just wanted to get divorced without attempting any third party mediation.

Life2PointOh: Where there any warning signs that the marriage wasn't going to work? And if so, what where they?
Linda: There were very many signs that the marriage was not going to work, even before the wedding. We had nothing in common. We bickered over everything. And his mother meddled in our relationship since day one. She was a big issue in our relationship, very needy and always had to be a part of everything. If she wasn't, there would be a lot of drama. She couldn't let us just be a married couple and establish our own family. We just had a lot of cultural differences and upbringings that ultimately got in the way of our relationship. We had different goals we were working on right before the divorce. So we had basically forced a marriage because we had dated for so long that we felt marriage was the next best choice for us.

Life2PointOh: How do you feel being on your own again?
Linda: I mostly feel liberated and empowered. Yes, I was scared and nervous, just as anyone would be getting out of a 6 1/2-year relationship. (We had dated 5 years before getting married.) And for many, all they know is how to be with that one person. But overall, I knew it was the best decision for me to get out of an unhappy, unhealthy marriage. So, I wanted to get out there and show the world that, "Yes, I'm 25 and getting a divorce. But I'm not going to let that bring me down." I learned a lot and now I'm ready to go after what I want and deserve in a relationship.

Life2PointOh: What has been the hardest part of going through a divorce?
Linda: The hardest part of going through the divorce for me was feeling alone at times. That, at times, brought me down, but I snapped out of it every time. I knew feeling sorry for myself wasn't going to help in a positive way. The only thing that would help me was to stay focused and positive with the other things going on in my life and to continue pursuing my own happiness. Everyone gets lonely at times, but you can't dwell on it day in and day out, or else you'll always be lonely.

Life2PointOh: How did you feel when you started telling friends/family that the marriage didn't work?
Linda: I felt nervous that I would be judged. But I knew if they were a true support, they'd understand and be there to listen. After I started telling them, I felt relieved. I knew it had to be done and once it was done, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders as though I had been carrying this giant burden for years.

Life2PointOh: Who or what helped you the most during this time?
Linda: My closest friends were very supportive and always there to help me through it. I took up yoga as a way to rediscover myself and through it, I became a lot stronger, happier and overall empowered. That was my therapy.

Life2PointOh: At the time the decision was made to divorce, did you have any regrets?
Linda: I can't say that I have any regrets about my marriage or divorce. Yes, I was sad that I had made a vow to be with this person forever, and that was now being broken. I wanted to attempt to salvage the marriage, but I couldn't force someone to be with me if they didn't want to be. That wouldn't be fair to either of us. Coming from a very religious background, I felt guilty and thought, "Maybe we shouldn't have gone through with the wedding, etc." But, the wedding did happen and I couldn't change anything from the past. Feeling guilty about a divorce that was inevitable wasn't going to help my situation. I just had to look past the guilt and move on with my life. I knew being stuck in guilt and self-pity were going to sabotage any efforts on my part to be happy with myself, and that's the most important thing to me: being able to live with myself. Everyone has a choice. I choose to be happy with no regrets from my marriage because I learned a lot about what I truly want in a relationship now.

Life2PointOh: Looking back now, do you feel like you could have done anything differently?
Linda: If I had done anything differently, I would have been true to myself. For a while there, I basically surrendered my life to him and gave him everything he wanted and needed, but I didn't get anything in return. So, when I finally began respecting and standing up for myself, he didn't like it because he wasn't used to it. Things began going further downhill. Had I continued with that path, I would still be in a marriage where I was the one unhappy and he got everything he wanted without having to reciprocate and give back to a relationship that is supposed to be a partnership.

Life2PointOh: How long did it take you to feel happy with how things worked out?
Linda: Instantly! I felt a giant weight was lifted off of my shoulders and I could finally breathe. I had about a week that I was in a bit of shock and I moped around the house in my pajamas. But I knew that I couldn't operate that way if I wanted to move on with my life. I quickly (within 2-3 weeks) got down to business, found a new place, packed up and moved on with my life out on my own again.

Life2PointOh: How did you feel when you started dating again?
Linda: I felt liberated. I was able to go out and have a good time on my own terms with whomever I wanted. I have become a little more open to dating people I otherwise wouldn't date. It was exciting to have some power back on my part.

Life2PointOh: And how has it been saying you've been married before?
Linda: It was a little weird at first to say I have been married because I didn't know how people would react to it. But, I soon realized that it didn't matter what others thought of my past marriage and I couldn't stop people from judging me. What matters is that I am a truly happier, stronger woman now than I ever was in an unhealthy relationship. I feel so much better being out on my own as a divorced woman than being married to someone whom I was unhappy with.

Great advice, Linda! Thank you for sharing your experience with us!

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