8 Reasons Ke$ha Should Never Give Dating Advice

Photo by: HowAboutWe
On Your Ideal Man
"Like a big bearded guy with a bag of quarters. I think it's some weird pirate fantasy that was unfulfilled in a past lifetime. I like the rugged, mountain-man ... more 
Photo by: HowAboutWe
On Your Ideal Man
"Like a big bearded guy with a bag of quarters. I think it's some weird pirate fantasy that was unfulfilled in a past lifetime. I like the rugged, mountain-man beard, personally. I won't discriminate, but my favorite kind of beard is one that could potentially be a homeless beard. Like, you actually have to discover if they're un-groomed for a reason. I like a really unkempt beard… You would also have to have a big dick."

Uh-oh, Ke$ha, this man sounds unclean and/or unhealthy. Does he have AIDS, HIV, HPV, gonorrhea, chlamydia, crabs, lice or syphilis? I don't think syphilis is still a thing, but if it is, this man might have it. I understand why you enjoy keeping quarters handy: I, too, frequent the Laundromat. But you like a guy who carries around a bag of quarters? I know things have been downhill since Tik Toc, but are your CDs doing that poorly? Are you that desperate for cash? Are you Fantine from Les Miserable?

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Tue, Apr 2, 2013 3:40 PM EDT
By Alison Vingiano for HowAboutWe

Dear Ke$ha,

I'm worried about you. A recently released preview of your MTV Reality Show Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life shows you fellating a cannoli at a restaurant. I want you to know that's not a thing people do. It's not even a crazy reality show thing, like screaming at another woman because she waved at your boyfriend. We give a name to horrible sex acts like beastiality or necrophilia, but I don't think there's even a name for fellating a cannoli. That's how often people don't do that. Did the cannoli even consent?

In this video, your boyfriend tells you to "babybird" the cannoli into somebody else's mouth. Does he make you do things you don't want to do, Ke$ha? You can tell me. I have a broken futon in my living room that you're welcome to crash on if you need to figure some things out.

I've done some research and I have to be honest: you have terrible ideas about dating. Let's take a closer look at some of these: