Changes in Stages - It's Beautiful and Challenging All at Once

Hi All,

I cannot believe that it's been over a month since I blogged! It's September? How did that happen!? My journey continues to evolve and change since my stay at the Golden Door in April. On the physical aspect of things, I'm doing activities that I did not think possible. Ellen challenges me like never before. You know those crazy things called "burpies" that hardcore marines do? Well - I'm doing modified burpies with the help of a workout bench. J She has me stepping up onto blocks, running, jumping, and lifting weights. My body feels so good, especially this week. It's strange to me that I don't lose much weight for a few weeks, and then a large 5 lb. chunk falls off. Ellen has given me faith in my body and hope that it will continue to strengthen and become leaner. What a blessing - to give someone faith in themselves and their abilities. It makes me tear up with gratitude.

Speaking to the physical changes, the last few weeks have been amazing! I visited my family in Oregon at the beginning of August and was truly blessed. My aunt lives off of a two-lane country road that dead-ends at the Rogue Brewery. Something so cool happened on that road- I started to jog - then run! Now, the running was short lived - but I ran in the wide open air! I completely attribute this to the workouts that Ellen gave me where I walk/jog on the treadmill in intervals for 30 minutes. It has changed my body completely. I continue to do Zumba and now added kickboxing to the fun. I feel like I just want to move and run so fast, leaving this shell of a body behind. I know that is not possible, nor the objective of the journey, but I am feeling so good that it is difficult to accept that my body is changing --- very slowly.

Making peace with the process is something that Cindi (my Behavioral Therapist at Golden Door) has been working with me on. God bless her! We have done hypnosis a few times, and it is the BEST feeling afterwards, like a long night's rest. She helps me see that I can release my absolute thinking. It does not serve me to "control" my life, rather "letting go" is more peaceful and more of a blessing to me. Being in a peaceful frame of mind seems to be my MO lately, I even have a hard time watching TV or reading the news. It feels like noise to me. It agitates me. I listen to classical music and read and I love it! Working with Cindi has helped me realize that my sense of worthiness is what I'm really working on. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of being healthy. I am worthy of having a fulfilling career. I do not need to control it or seek it out necessarily . . . by letting go of my expectations I'm opening myself up to opportunities and experiences that are better than what I could create within my own mind.

All of this growth is so exciting and is opening me up to new ideas, such as traveling, a new line of work, and even dating! See, I've never really dated before, and I got the urge to venture into the world of online dating last month. I have always had this perception that I would accept "whoever" came into my life to be my partner, and that's not the case anymore. Of course I will accept him and love him, but I will not accept just anyone. Hey - I have standards - what a concept! Working in higher education, the prospect of meeting a single, eligible, heterosexual male is slim so I figured that online would be good practice if nothing else. I've been out with one guy so far and have talked to a handful online and via phone. I have learned a few important things: I'm not lonely - I learned this from a guy who wanted to text/talk every freaking day - multiple times a day. A bit needy - I don't want that. If I'm going to share my time with someone, it will be someone who adds to my energy, not takes from my energy. I want someone who is smart, employed, truthful, educated, and articulate. I learned this from a multitude of guys who (after conversing with them) I learned, lied on their profiles about having certain jobs/degrees, and who say that they want a relationship but really just want sex. Did you know that there are men who are attracted to big women?! They call it "BBW" and it means Big Beautiful Women. I had to look it up because I thought it was some model of car. Hahahaha! I felt objectified at first, now I just don't respond to guys who message me just because they think I'm "sexy" because I'm "BBW". I have told a few guys that I won't be BBW forever so it won't work . . . I'm actually pretty amazing inside this temporary BBW shell. It feels so empowering to feel in control of this part of my life. I've always felt like a "victim" and now I'm feeling confident enough to seek out relationships (friendships and otherwise) that nourish my soul, and to express my needs and expectations with men.

That's a lot of updating - if you lasted, thanks for reading! My new favorite song for this phase of the journey is Justin James', "Beautiful Life". I imagine that it is the Creator singing to me. J My friend played this at his wedding and I fell in love with the song!