Dear Hollywood: Please stop with the remakes

Dear Hollywood,

Do you know when the last time was that we were excited about a movie being remade? Never! Thus the reason why we wanted to cry in despair when we discovered you've given the green light to remakes of classic films like Nightmare on Elm Street, The Birds, Rosemary's Baby and Barbarella as well as more mediocre flicks like Hellraiser, Prom Night and Short Circuit that we, quite frankly, could've lived without the first time around.

Why do you feel the need to torture our eyes and over-saturate theaters with throwaway remakes? It seems like your writers are bankrupt of original ideas and you're looking to cash in. We're not stupid! Or are we? Upon further research, us moviegoers regrettably spent over $170 million on the dual franchise collaboration (read: epic piece of trash), Alien vs. Predator. Congrats guys! You duped us.

Big budgets and big name actors helped catapult the new versions, but you can't win us over on that alone. Tim Burton took great liberties in modernizing Charlie and the Chocolate Factory that made even A-list can-do-no-wrong actor Johnny Depp pale in comparison to predecessor Gene Wilder. Likewise, Jude Law's take on the womanizing Alfie was a snooze compared to Michael Caine's career-making version that was a cutting edge period piece set in the 60s. And while we won't further embarrass you by rubbing your face in the disastrous, overly-hyped Stepford Wives remake, we will tip you off that switching genres from sci-fi/horror to comedy was a big mistake.

Clearly you have your heart set on cranking out remakes, so we'd like to offer up some advice. You know how on American Idol Simon Cowell cringes anytime someone tries to cover songs by powerhouses like Whitney Houston or Aretha Franklin? Don't try it! Any attempt to copy a four-star caliber classic is only going to make you sound like a cabaret singer on a cruise ship. For your own good, stick to something a little more your speed. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Shine