Help a Telemarketer Out

One of the many reasons to love the great, late TV show "Seinfeld" was the running gag about the clever ways Jerry Seinfeld handled telemarketing calls. One time, he told the guy pushing telephone services that he'd be happy to talk, but he'd need to call the guy back at home. The telemarketer, when asked for his home phone number, demurred. "Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home?" asked Jerry. "No," said the telemarketer. "Well, now you know how I feel," said Seinfeld and hung up the phone. The live studio audience went crazy.

I used to do stuff like that to telemarketers, too. My husband got our kids into a fit of hysterical laughter one time when he took the phone out of my hand, seeing the exasperated expression on my face. i had just gotten my first word in edgewise, cutting off the telemarketer to say, "Now, Clarence - " when me husband grabbed the phone and took over. "Is this Clarence?" he asked, in an exuberant near-yell. "Clarence, is that you?" "Uh, yes," said the telemarketer. "Oh, Clarence!" exclaimed my husband. "Clarence, Mama's gonna be so happy to hear you got out! When did you get out?" Clarence was flustered.

"MAMA!" yelled my husband to no one. "Mama, Clarence got out! He's out! Clarence, why'd they let you out early? When are you gonna get here?" The poor telemarketer was over his head.

I took a new approach to telemarketer calls recently. Nowadays, I sympathize with the minimum-wage, galley-slave-labor-conditions people on the other end of the phone. Here's how a typical telemarketing call might go (in fact, I just got off the phone with one of these poor folks a minute ago):

RRRRING!

Me: Hello?
Caller: Yes, may I speak to Elizabeth please?
Me: Thanks for calling. Are we friends? No one calls me Elizabeth.
Caller: Anyway, Elizabeth, we have some great new deals on office copiers, and it'll only take a minute to fill you in...
Me: You know what, it can't be easy making calls like this all day long. It sounds like a horrible job, actually. Aren't there any better jobs around? Where do you live -- what state?
Caller: I'm calling from North Dakota.
Me: There are jobs in North Dakota. You're articulate and friendly. You can do better than this. This job is hellish. You deserve better. Look how sparky you are!
Caller: Thank you, but there aren't any good jobs in my town. Only fast food.
Me: Truthfully, a fast food job would be a better place to earn an income while you're figuring out what you want to do. This job sucks the life out of you.
Caller: But they talk about a career path....
Me: Look around. Do you see anyone in your office who started doing your job, and moved up? It's very unusual. Most people can't last in a place like that long enough to get promoted.
Caller: That's what I was afraid of hearing.
Me: How long have you worked there?
Caller: About four months. It's the worst.
Me: Do they record these calls?
Caller: No, they only say they do.
Me: Okay, good. Here's what to do. Get on Craigslist and look at the job listings there. Some of them look like scams, and they are. Don't type in your social security number or your street address. No one needs that information.
Caller: Okay, what else?
Me: Get out of that telemarketing gig and go somewhere where people can see and appreciate your energy and customer service. Go to Target -- they promote from the ranks. Is there a Target store near you?
Caller: There are two of them.
Me: Perfect. Telemarketing companies lure people like you because they make you think it's an office job, but really, it's a sweatshop job without any sewing machines. You sound great. Get some experience at Target, and you can be a receptionist for a law firm or an ad agency or who knows what.
Caller: I'd better get off the phone.
Me: Just remember, no horrible job deserves you. You are awesome. The reason you took this job is to figure out what kind of environment you want to avoid in the next job.
Caller: Can I send you an email message?
Me: Do it! My email address is liz@humanworkplace.com.
Caller: Oh yes, Elizabeth.
Me: Just Liz, unless you're my mom. You aren't my mom, by chance, are you?
Caller: Ha ha, goodnight Liz.
Me: Goodnight. Don't settle for any more telemarketing jobs!
Caller: I won't!