Kingdom Hearts 3d Dream Drop Distance Review, by Wolf Banderson, King of the Internet

There comes a time in this world when a wandering wolf must settle in for a small fraction of time and enjoy the simpler things in life.
so it comes as no surprise to me that kingdom hearts is among my favorite videogame series.
between the action rpg format that was almost perfectly one of a kind, and surely unique back in its day, to the steady sincerity of every tender kingdom hearts moment, the series has endured.
dream drop distance is what i like to call AN EXTREME EXERCISE IN VIDEOGAMING FUTILITY THAT IS BETTER LEFT IGNORED!!!
but since tetsuya nomura never made any money by listening to his boss, this game actually feels awesome.
how to sum up dream drop distance?.....hmmm....it's on the tip of my tongue..........
oh yeah, it's filler mixed in with OH MY GOD THE MAIN VILLAIN IS THAT FUCKING BRILLIANT? NO FUCKING WAY! HOW IN THE HELL IS HE ABLE TO THINK THAT FAR AHEAD! FUUUUUUU-
yeah, bound time travel is an interesting plot mechanic, but isn't really made note of until the end of the game. nomura's method of explaining the nature of the mindfu- er dream worlds and how they can fold into one another like they do is kind of like listening to nomura explaining the nature of mindfu-er dreamworlds and how they can fold into one another.
the highlight of the game?
xehanort, always, it's xehanort.
when you first see resurrected ansem pointing a sword at riku, or his hooded form at the very beginning, you know your in for a really confusing, but brilliantly intriguing plot. then xemnas similarly returns, all the while this kid who vaguely resembles master xehanort seems to be commanding them like they're both his bitch.
but the real kick to the teeth? turns out that young master xehanort was the mysterious figure, a fact that is only revealed to you when you fight him. and then he pulls out an edited no-name keyblade and a remixed version of dark impetus flares in the background, then you clench your cheeks and pray he isn't impossible to kill this time (he's actually tougher, this time without cheapness.)
reverse fuck you nomura moments like these where the familiar is given to you at the worst possible moment in the game is what makes the story so interesting.
basically it's a meaty recap of the entire goddamned series in the palm of your hand. mysterious figure identity included.
the whole premise of the story is that something bad is about to happen, then it does when both of the main villains are resurrected and even manage to overpower sora, all so that he can be turned into a villain too.
(i can't make this up)

the combat is a middle finger to the mysterious figure, allowing you to rely on the stagger-proof flowmotion system, it has its drawbacks, you still take damage in return for supermoves that would put goku to shame.
the dreameaters are cute, they are adorable. they make me try to gnaw at my damned screen hoping that they're secretly real and as tasty as they appear to be.
and that's it, other than that they. are. worthless.
they barely do any damage, die quickly and are goddamned cute as hell.
the skill system really hasn't changed, you just can't combine skills to make better ones, instead you have to unlock them via dinner- i mean the dreameaters.....
so does the plot have a happy ending?
hell no.
sora's lingering nightmare becomes the final boss, ventus is still napping, sora failed his mark of mastery exam for (derp) sleeping on the job, and the league of extraordinary xehanorts is now set to run rampant across time to do what they apparently have been pre-ordained to do. which is win.
and i believe it.
the worst part, they aren't even gonna try for originality, their great plan is actually ansem's great plan, with a twist.
gather the princesses of light, or fight the seven keybladers of light, and either way they get exactly what they want.
problem players?
does this make me want to buy kh3?
ninja yes.
why? why not? i need to have a game that WASN'T ALL PART OF XEHANORT'S PLAN THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME, HOW THE FUCK DID I PLAY INTO THE ASSHAT'S HANDS ACROSS THREE FUCKING TITLES AND COUNTING?!?!?!
does it get my badass banderson seal of approval?
you bet yer shiny metal ass it does!'
i give this game a solid 10/10, because ign doesn't have the balls to do it.
and gamespot is dead to me, no offense to the HS they got doing commentaries.