MIXED EMOTIONS

I am dealing with some mixed emotions here. Do I like you that much or is it that at this particular moment anyone who would show me attention would make me feel the same way you do?

I am lonely, that is a fact. I go for days on end without having a proper conversation with anyone. When you called it was like a breath of fresh air even though I thought you were a bit full of yourself but all I want is company and someone to talk to. The sex was great, the first time round but the second time, it became a bit routine and boring but the company didn't. I still wanted to talk to you. But then I want to talk to everyone these days. I miss having conversations with people. It's very difficult to find someone who can talk about the same issues as me. Someone I can connect with, so I guess the issue is I do miss you. I want to talk to you, tell you about my day, my thoughts, my dreams and wishes and most of all just hear you laugh, when you really laugh and you let go of yourself for a moment.

The way you look at me as if the whole world does not exist. I like that. If you are faking it, you are better at this game than I had anticipated.by the way it was harder to get back into the flow of things this time around than the first time. The last time you left I knew you would come back. I knew that what we shared the first time was too good not to be explored further. I am not so sure this time around and I don't think I want to see you again. Its too much for me to bear. I like you, so many times I had to swallow the words, I love you, which were at the tip of my tongue all the time I was with you. 'is this love, is this love, that I am feeling?' ok a bit of cliché there but it had to be said.

I know it is not love but I also know that I do like you a lot. I like being with you. I like spending time with you. I refused to go out the last night we were together, yes I was tired but also I just wanted you by myself. I just wanted to know that you are here with me even though I had some things to do. I needed to know that you are near me and I could pretend for 10 minutes that my life was happy. That I had that perfect relationship, kisses and hugs whilst washing dishes, I do my thing, you do yours, knowing that we don't always have to talk or kiss or hug but we can always fill each other's lives.

I don't know what I am talking about now, I am rumbling. I miss you more than words can say 'another cliché' but I do miss you though I know that I cannot handle this a 3rd time round. I am afraid it's all or nothing from now on. I do not want to sound like a nagging woman but I have to look after number 1 and that is me. I can-not deal with all this uncertainty. I know I am my worst enemy but I can be strong when I need to be. I choose to be strong in this particular case and tell you what I am feeling. Good luck and I wish you all the best, you did make me happy, you built my confidence and reminded me of what a wonderful woman I am and that I deserve better, I know I have been selling myself short but you are my knight in shining armour, you showed me what I rightly deserve. Brings me back to the poem I shared with you about people. People come into our lives for a season or for a reason, you were definitely in mine, for a reason. Thank you for all the good times. I would want to keep you forever but I guess you were not mine to keep. All the same I am grateful for the time we had together. I do love you really