Notes from the Couch: Sucks to be a Girl on The Biggest Loser
My Tivo didn't record last week's The Biggest Loser, much to my dismay, and apparently the episodes are like gold and not available for download or streaming anywhere on the Internet. What's the good of living in the electronic age if I can't watch bad reality television whenever I want? Bah. Anyway, I missed the tragic ousting of my beloved Berndana, which is probably a good thing because I think I might have cried just a little bit or perhaps grabbed my hair and shouted "O the humanity!" But apparently, plot twist and Berndana is back, along with every other Loser who had been voted off! They get to weigh-in and the guy and girl who has lost the highest percentage of body weight will be back on the show.
But seeing Berndana back is totally bittersweet, because that stupid Bossy Boston Brother postulated in his exit interview that he, along with Alli, would be in the final four. Since he had just been eliminated and Alli was gone a long time ago, the only possible explanation for the flub was that they were going to be brought back. And therefore, I was not surprised that Berdnana didn't win the Returnee weigh in, but knowing that he was just two pounds away? Super painful. Because now I have stupid Bossy Boston Brother on my television screen, and I know that he and any other returnee will have a great second weigh-in, due to the fact that they've been at home, working out normally and NOT under strenuous Boot Camp conditions, so they are bound to have a major water loss, if nothing else.
Again, the product placement slapped me in the face. This week, not only did we have an inexplicable shot of a pack of Extra gum sitting on a Precor machine in the 24-Hour Gym (which I've gotten so desensitized to that I hardly even notice the logos anymore) but we had two embedded informercials during the show. I knew the first one was coming when Cry Baby Kelly walks in with full makeup and lip gloss. Girlfriend hasn't been religious about the makeup since Baldy Bear went home (oooh! A tell!) and certainly wouldn't have been all made up when getting ready to make dinner. Secondly, they never ever prep dinner with the trainers unless it's been clearly mandated by the commercial sponsor. And then Jillian hauls out the Non-Stick Pam, with its 7 calories per spray, and the mystery is solved. I actually felt badly for Pinky Lee when she offered the most awkward bon mot ever in the history of everdom: "As long as you spray the Non-Stick Pam!" Oh, a piece of my soul died for her right then. In the second one, we learned about Ziploc bags and then Trainer Bob tosses Dan's salad, making my inner 12-year-old laugh and laugh and laugh. Or maybe that was the merlot. Regardless, the Pride on Three references now make me smile, every damned time.
Apparently, this week, every chick was feeling moody (or apparently Berndana was a bigger pimp daddy than I thought, because with all the tears, everyone feels like they've just been dumped) and a bit set back by the returnees. And really, I don't blame them. I cannot imagine how unfair that would feel to the surviving contestants, because the whole voting off thing? It sucks and it's written into the premise of the show, but now you're bringing back two people who, through no fault of your own (because hey, you HAVE to vote for someone), have it out for you. In Weetabix's version of this show, there would be no voting off, but instead, fabulous prizes for people who lose the most weight each week and maybe more prizes for people who work out without needing someone to scream at them and then, blammo, at the end, someone gets a million dollars and also a pony. And there would be dancing and also guest stars who are not Jillian's mom. I'll bet that Chaka Khan and Benny Ninja both have open calendars.
During weigh-in, the host Allison Sweeney (Carrie Brady, for any Days Of Our Lives lovers in the hizzy) asks inane questions and the producers, smelling blood in the water, tell her to focus on Brittany, so she does. Jillian stands up for her trainer's pet and drops a trail of f-bombs, basically admitting that the girls are screwed and Allison should just leave Brittany alone, to which I shouted at the TV, "LEAVE BRITTANY ALONE", in my best Chris Crocker. Which brings up a good question because really, women are at a serious disadvantage on this show. In four seasons of The Biggest Loser, only men have won. How can a girl who is pulling 2 or 3 pounds weight loss a week (a very reasonable number that should disappoint NO ONE) compete against a guy who can easily pull a 5, 8 or double digit weight loss? As they get stronger, by the very nature of their genetics, make more muscle which burns more fat and raises their metabolism, whereas when women lose weight, our bodies fight like crazy to keep all of that baby-nourishing fat, just in case we happen to get knocked up. Stupid evolution! And the girls are always at a disadvantage during the physical challenges. Not only did Jillian lose handily to Trainer Bob during the escalator challenge a few eps ago, but tonight's competition nicely illustrated this point, with the girls getting knocked out first, one by one, leaving the guys for the glory. Jillian's right. The girls ARE screwed. Until the men and the women are competing in some kind of tandem contest on TBL, this is just the way it's going to be. And it sucks.
And as it turns out, I was totally right about the water loss advantage for the returnees because Pinky Lee Alli and Bossy Boston Brother are the top two during the final weigh in and two girls (Brittany and Maggie) fall below the yellow line and are thus up for elimination, but what's this? We don't get to see who goes home. We have to wait until next week. Those b------ s! I would be upset, but apparently my gay boyfriend Tim Gunn will be showing up, and he's even better than Benny Ninja! Just when The Biggest Loser makes me hate it, it reels me back in with Tim Gunn. My emotions are its puppet.
Full Disclosure: This week while watching the show, I ate some brown rice and sautéed vegetables (in a little spritz of olive oil, NOT Non-Stick Pam, because what the heck is in there? I don't want aerosol propellant all over my vegetables) with a lovely merlot. I was still craving carbs because I kept imagining that I could smell bread baking and then I realized it was the yeast in the merlot. I fixed my carb craving with some popcorn, which was awesome and also, whole grain! Go me!
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