Tim Gunn Brings a Touch of Class and Grace to The Biggest Loser

On this week's The Biggest Loser, it opens with the conclusion to last week's elimination cliffhanger, which was between Maggie and Brittany, and was promised to be completely shocking. Except, uh, it's not. Maggie takes her votes with grace and style and I realize that I'm going to miss her eye rolling about the guy team. What was the point of waiting a week for that? I have no idea.

Elimination out of the way, we learned about makeovers at Macy's and about how fat people can't buy anything for themselves at the mall but shoes and purses. Well, I didn't learn that, I know that for a damn fact. You should see my shoe closets. Yes, plural. And I know it's because the only designer anything that I have any hope for wearing on my current body is in the form of an accessory, and damn it, as a tall fat girl, I am cursed with size 12 feet and half the designer shoes stop one or two sizes shy of that, so basically, Losers, I feel your pain. And I realize that the point of this wasn't to get mad about the fact that Macy's doesn't carry plus sizes in gorgeous designs, but rather to be looking at how far they've come and the new special rights and privileges they now have as New Thin(ner) People, but seriously, why doesn't anyone get mad about the fact that the percentage of mall space devoted to sizes 14 and under does not match the percentage of the population that is size 14 and under?

And it's not like Macy's doesn't carry plus sizes. In fact, it's probably the best of the big department stores when it comes to plus sizes, although they do imply that Macy's Plus Women section leans toward, using Tim Gunn's word, dowdy. And as a general rule of thumb, I would say yes, although I do have to say that I had a fantastic time trying on Nine West and DKNY stuff at the Macy's in Herald Square, so fellow fat girls, you don't have to lose 70 pounds in ten weeks in order to find something at the mall. There is hope! And if there's no hope, there's probably still a Torrid or a Lane Bryant.

We get it. They worked hard! They lost weight! This is the fabulous reward for that hard work. But who is the intended audience for this television show? Is it fat people who want to learn how to lose weight (because there isn't any information out there on this whatsoever)? Is it thin people who want to look at shirtless sweating fat people being humiliated? Is it fat acceptance folks who want to reaffirm what kind of crazy-assed measures one has to go through in order to drop weight as fast as possible and then take great satisfaction when the weight all pops back on (as it inevitably will, except for a small percentage of former contestants)?

We also learned that Tim Gunn is the most brilliant and authentic man in fashion. He's totally correct that larger people tend to wear a size that's too big for them (myself included, although sometimes when it comes to button-down shirts, it's due to the size of my boobs), and urges America to try a size smaller than they think they should be wearing. The man is a true mentor and really seems to listen to his fashion wards, while knowing exactly how far to challenge them. We should all be so lucky to have Tim picking out our wardrobe. I wish I could add Tim Gunn to my Amazon Wishlist. And also whatever supportive device was making Brittany's tatas look SO perfect in that low-cut dress.

For this week's infomercial, Trainer Bob goes into Dan's bedroom to toss his salad, er, check out Dan's new Tim Gunn-approved wardrobe, except then it turns into an excruciating spontaneous commercial for One-A-Day vitamins, which are repackaged version of the old One-A-Day Weight Smart vitamins. These are the same vitamins that got Bayer fined by the FTC for making false weight-loss claims last year. Whoops! Notice that they're not really saying that you'll lose weight by taking them, but still trying desperately to keep their brand connected to successful weight-loss efforts in the minds of the consumer. Niiiice.

This week, the two people up for elimination were Whiny Boston Brother (who screamed the most effeminate scream ever when he saw his wife during the makeover reveal) and gorgeous Brittany, who knew damned well that the gig was up, because the men's alliance was rock solid. Which, honestly, is just stupid, because Dan could have been the swing vote and gotten rid of some male competition (who, by the way, was one of the people that picked off Dan's mom. Opportunity for revenge totally blown), as he said that men are "better at losing weight than women." I think he meant to say that it is easier for men to lose weight than women (which is absolutely true due to muscle mass) but his attitude came off like he felt the women didn't work as hard. Whatevs, dude.

At this point, I have abandoned any sympathy for Dan because when the remaining men gang up and kick him off the second he drops below the yellow line, he will have totally deserved it. Predictably, Brittany goes home, but it's really bittersweet because it will be practically impossible for a woman to win this competition unless they segregate the sexes and give prizes for Biggest Male Loser and Biggest Female Loser. Now the teams are down to 2 girls and 4 guys, and since Crying Kelly and Pinky Lee were near the bottom this week, I'm guessing that one of them will be going next week too. Sigh. Stupid broken television show.

Full disclosure: this week's Biggest Loser Watching Snack involved freshly popped popcorn salted with some grey Fleur de Sel, paired with a delightful vintage of purple Sugar-Free Kool-Aid. It looks a lot like wine if you drink it out of a stemmed glass. Also, I did seven push-ups on my furry white rug during the Last Chance Work Out, which made me feel less like a couch monkey than I normally do while watching the show. Not a lot less, but it helped.