Blog Posts by Michael Skinner

  • 9 Days of Dooming

    The 9 days between 12/12/12 and 12/21/12 might be called by those who believe that the earth is doomed, DoomMass. It is celebrated by the traditional exchange of blunderbusses and possum pie. Individual doomsday preparedness folks have their own way of throwing a Going Away Party--as in the world as we know it goes away. The preferable centerpiece of the celebration is often the Zombie Apocalypse because then no one has to explain a morbid fascination with lethal weapons.

    There there is there is the customary caroling. I don't know how all the verses go. But I remember a few bits here and there.

    On the first day of DoomMass my prepper gave to me plastic explosives in a care package (also called a special surprise inside--for those hard to kill zombies)

    On the fifth day of DoomMass my prepper gave to me...5 golden...Things!

    On the ninth day of DoomMass my prepper gave to me: 9 thousand salted beef carcasses!

    Happy Merry DoomCember!

    How to Celebrate the 9 Days of DoomMass





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  • Giving the Gift of Weird: Unique and Unusual XMAS Gifts



    On Christmas Eve when everyone is opening gifts, would you like to say: Bet you've never seen one of those!
    Or: Bet you have never seen one like that!

    Well, you are in luck. Because that peculiar institution known as the gag, joke or unusual gift is alive and well even in modern times. You can still give the gift that defies explanation--just because. The season's the reason though you will still have the recipient wondering: What were they thinking?

    If you happen to be the victim of one of these ah, gifts, remember, don't say the following aloud:("Thanks. Now, what do I do with it? There's not enough for TP and it won't fit in the birdcage...")

    Star Shower CardStar Shower Card
    Geometric Sun Key ChainGeometric Sun Key Chain
    Rainbow Gyroscope Postage StampRainbow Gyroscope Postage StampPastel Starburst MagnetPastel Starburst Magnet
    Featured Products Greeting CardFeatured Products Greeting Card On the off chance you haven't learned your lesson, here is your ticket to the museum of Christmas Oddities: Weird, Wacky Strange, Unique and Unusual XMAS Gifts


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  • Top 10 Terrible Ties

    If you are wearing these ties someone is liable to ask: "Do you have a new baby?"

    Translation: You couldn't have possibly walked out of the house looking like that on purpose. There has to be an explanation. Maybe the baby had an accident and you wiped it up with your tie?
    Come to think of it, with some of these ties, maybe the dog had an accident.

    Someone else will ask if that's an eye test or a necktie. Yet another will say: your tie is giving me a headache.




    Headache_tie-p151751994384309178en71g_210Headache_tie-p151751994384309178en71g_210


    Red_nightmare_tie-p151207175028173683en71g_210Red_nightmare_tie-p151207175028173683en71g_210


    Green_nightmare_tie-p151206976513349479en71g_210Green_nightmare_tie-p151206976513349479en71g_210

    11_11_11_rainbow_s_tie-p151833020556343229bhfqn_21011_11_11_rainbow_s_tie-p151833020556343229bhfqn_210



    Rainbow_gyro_tie-p151932089048994254en71g_210Rainbow_gyro_tie-p151932089048994254en71g_210



    121212_blue_wheel_tie-p151353992994875646en71g_210121212_blue_wheel_tie-p151353992994875646en71g_210


    Rainbow_sunburst_tie-p151075624413243545en71g_210Rainbow_sunburst_tie-p151075624413243545en71g_210

    Threshold_tie-p151807875885054846en71g_210Threshold_tie-p151807875885054846en71g_210



    121212_brassy_rainbow_tie-p151730335419299783en71g_210121212_brassy_rainbow_tie-p151730335419299783en71g_210




    Rainbow_railroad_tie-p151031285693442016en71g_210Rainbow_railroad_tie-p151031285693442016en71g_210


    Some might make the sign of the cross with two fingers in your general direction. Others might wail: It's hurting me! Make it stop!!!!

    If after experiencing the Tie Torture from the Neckties of the Damned, you still want to test the stamina, the patience and the friendship of your male colleagues and relatives you can see more of this Sartorial Stupor Here: Top 10 Terrible Ties


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  • DoomCember

    It is about a month until the End of the World. What do you get when you combine Doomsday and December? DoomCember of course. Happy Merry DoomCember!


    Many of the various types of Apocalypses that are bandied about in popular culture are either unlikely or do not respond very well or at all to human calendars. If you simply must have the end of life as we know it by a date certain only a man-made Apocalypse will do. If you are looking for doomsday you are in luck there are a few human generated ones lying in wait.

    One of the more likely ways that could be the end of everything as we know it would be a melt down of the banking system. The internet is full of viruses, bots and spam. There already might be the right amount of the right kind of malicious software out on the internet to strip the financial system bare. It used to be that in order for this particular end of everything to work, we had to open up spam emails and click on links or go to suspicious websites and download

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  • The Advent of Elenin, The Halloween Zombie Comet

    Looks like old comets never die; they just fade away. The ice ball known as the Comet Elenin came barreling out of the far reaches of the universe into the fiery embrace of our sun and it did what most ice balls do: it melted. And so the mythic doomsday comet is fading out with a whimper instead of a bang. Evaporating a like slurpee on a sidewalk on a hot summer's day.


    One day in the distant future, the gases from an evaporating comet may bathe the earth in zombie producing gases-in your dreams. Or perhaps your nightmares? Didn't they make a movie about that?


    Or perhaps some large, stony object will smack the earth in the face and end life as we know it. But not this time.


    So we will not have an extinction event.


    The comet is not a brown dwarf. So dreams of earthlings over a roasting fire are over done.


    The comet is not an interplanetary spaceship or an inter-dimensional transport device.


    Perhaps it is the gossamer stuff of dreams since some many fruitcakes

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  • Count Down to the End of the World

    When is Doomsday? Well it depends on who is counting. By my reckoning, there are four separate predictions for the end of everything that mature in the next year and a half or so.

    Oct 21, 2011

    Nov 11, 2011

    Dec 12, 2012

    Dec 21, 2012.

    The most dubious date for End of All Things is Oct 21, 2011. It is the most dubious because the man who made the prediction, Harold Egbert Camping has unsuccessfully predicted the second coming of Christ two times already. If we want to be fairly certain that we have the wrong date, ask Camping.

    The second date on the list was picked out by numerologists and dingbats. It is 11/11/11. I doubt that God, cosmic beings, or even Angels give a rat's behind about the vagaries of the Gregorian calendar. So it's pretty much a non starter. Moreover, there are those who say playful Angels make people notice the number 11 on clocks and such. One can only be disappointed in the weak halfheartedness of such Angels. Clocks will hit 11 minutes

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  • The End of the World is Three Weeks From Now

    Or so the Apocalypse now folks tells us.

    Skynet day when the computer in the Terminator movie nuked the world has come and gone. Now is the time, we are told for the second coming. So get saved or suffer the consequences….

    The End of the Joke is Near: 5.21.11 or 5-21-11 or 5/21/11 or May 21 2011

    By poetryman69

    Some of the people who are convinced that the time of the second coming is May 21, 2011 are starting to drive around in caravans, eat at waffle houses and claim to everyone who will listen that we can know the date and the hour. Well, I guess everyone has to believe in something.

    By the way Janet of Homeland Security, back away from the donuts and ponder. If your are quite finished with trying to make us believe that the neighbor next to us is a terrorist because of the menacing way he is clipping his toe nails and if you are quite done letting into the country real terrorists from Saudi Arabia and violent drug thugs from Mexico, you might want to think about

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  • $34 Million Royal Wedding

    Some of the estimates for the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton went up as high as $100 million. The smart money says that their nuptials will cost more like $34 million.

    What does $34 Million buy these days?

    Wedding Cake $80,000

    Wedding Dress $434,000

    Wedding Flowers $800,000

    Wedding Ring $136,000

    Wedding Security $32 Million

    ***

    It is said that Chelsea Clinton's wedding cost $5 million but then she is not going be a princess.

    ***

    Hearts and Flowers

  • Contaminated Verses

    On the Occasion of a 9.1 Earthquake

    And the earth jiggles like the bosom of a crazed dancer.

    And concrete dominoes smack each other and

    A worn nuclear power plant is bruised up and

    Popped like a ripe banana

    Dropped into boiling salt water like sea food,

    Turning red as the water grows hotter

    Screaming radioactive steam into space

    And still,

    Even as the waters in Tokyo begin to glow in the dark,

    And still,

    We must have these things in this way.

    We must have attack dogs and

    Policemen willing to use lethal force

    And the ability to make toast with radioactive electricity,

    And dreams that glow during an eclipse.

    As the biggest moon in decades rises over the smoking ruins of a nuclear pile,

    We read that 10 million units of something like

    Encrypted death,

    Which used to be sealed away in science

    Inside a concrete containment vessel

    Is no longer a mythical, mathematical mummy.

    The stone has been rolled away by

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  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Hamsters

    It would seem that the absence of French Military victories is not enough to occupy the Gallic mind. Apparently there are a group of free French who fear the plight of endangered rodents. The Great Hamster of Alsace has found a champion and will live to gnaw another day. So from this day forward there should be no more dalliance with muskrats. It's hamster love that you're hankering for. Just admit it.

    By the way the mean people say this hamster can be a foot long and it bites. Oh well….

    Hampered by a Hamster

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    Zombie Fungus Eats Ant Brains

    By poetryman69

    Zombie Ant Fungus.

    I find it add and fascinating that there exist fungi in nature that so take over the bodies of their living hosts that the creatures become like zombies.

    Zombie snails

    In fact, as I recall, there is a parasite that takes over snails and not only makes them zombies that do the will of the parasite but the zombified snails will actually advertise their presence to

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Pagination

(50 Stories)