Blog Posts by Monika Basile

  • Band-Aid

    heartsIn my quest to find one of the ones who is to be the one I have corresponded with a multitude of men. I have found an underlying problem that seems to be worrying both sexes. The complaint I keep finding on both sides of the spectrum of men and women is that they feel many on dating sites are just looking for sex or a meal ticket. This complaint has come from both men and women and not just women.

    In a recent conversation, a man asked me what I was truly looking for. He stated that so many women he encountered wanted purely sexual relationships and he wanted something serious and lasting. He mentioned that women he had been meeting either wanted a casual encounter or a fine dining experience but it left him a bit cold to find that few he met wanted something of substance, something meaningful.

    What poured out of my mouth was an explanation that I didn't even realize I had until I spoke it out loud.

    "Sex is a Band-Aid for those who don't have actual love in their lives."

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  • Stay Golden

    SunriseI have spent too much of my life apologizing for being who I am. I have said, "I'm sorry but I feel…I'm sorry but I think…" and so on and so on. I have offered words of excuse for being a bit eccentric in my living, for being too emotional, for having outrageous ways of thinking and thinking outrageous thoughts, for being a "marshmallow" around those who might take advantage and for having the audacity to make some really stupid choices.

    I have mistakenly assumed I needed permission to be a little broken when we all are a little broken. That is what we humans are. Our lives, if we live them, are lived at a cost. Our hearts, if we use them, do not come away unscathed. None of us should offer apology for being the people we are and stepping out into this great unknown and exploring it even if we become tattered and worn a bit. Being broken does not mean we are unusable and have no value. There is a lovely quote about it and I hope I am giving credit to the correct author of it:

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  • Deciding to Decide

    So many choicesA while back a man told me he loved me. I was a bit surprised because it is usually me who gets so caught up. I whispered softly, "Do you really?" My heart heaving huge thuds, hoping against hope that it was not an accidental slip of the tongue. "Because I love you too."

    He stopped in that moment and seemed confused, "I mean I think I do. To be perfectly honest it might just be in this moment."

    Ahhh. There it is. That double edged sword that stabs so deeply and hurts from both sides of it. It is not that his loving in the moment is not good enough or is not real but I want to know what happens in the other moments. I questioned myself "in this moment". How can I judge the way someone else loves? Who am I to do this?

    I realized that I can only control my own reaction and I can only accept what I can live with. Being loved in a moment, a single moment, a few moments here and there when things are wonderful-is not what I can live with. I want to still be the one who is loved

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  • Shining Alone

    Earth LightsI am on the verge of realizing a dream. Just right there-teetering on a precarious edge, so close I can just about touch it. I have worked towards this for more years than I care to count. I have dreamed this dream so vividly I can smell it and taste it and feel how it will feel. I just never pictured myself celebrating the victory alone. I never realized how important it would be to have someone special to share it with. Maybe that is because I never expected to be without that someone special at this time in my life.

    Every disappointment I have experienced as a single woman, each tragedy and horrible thing, I have felt so poignantly that I am in it, for the most part, alone. I always thought that this was the most awful-to go through each heartache without the comfort of a mate. I have hated so much to be frightened and not have that person connected to my soul to assist me and help pull me through, nor to be that other soul pulling him through his times of trouble and fear.

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  • Growing Roots

    growing rootsWhen I was younger, I never understood what "outgrowing" someone meant. I didn't understand how that could happen at all. How did you suddenly not grow at the same rate? How did you decide that you were beyond who you had always held close to you? How did this happen?

    I still can't answer the questions of how and why, but I do realize now that it happens. It happens an awful lot even when we don't realize it is occurring. Some people never grow up and some people just grow old. I am not sure what is worse. I only hope that I continue on in becoming the person I am intended to be. I have never been one for standing still so I think I have a good chance at it.

    I don't want to love someone with the same type of emotion I did at eighteen. Things are so much deeper now. What I am capable of feeling is so much more than the girl who loved a boy blindly, and wildly and madly. Now I have grown up enough to love someone with understanding and acceptance and with knowing the truth of

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  • Everything to Fear

    It wasn't easy to end a twenty year marriage. I had spent all of my adult life married to a man whom I loved very much. To end it, to turn away from what I had cherished a half lifetime, was a devastating and frightening act. It also was necessary for me to have the chance to have a truly love filled relationship.

    There was fear. There is still fear. I feared that I could not make it on my own supporting four children. I feared that I would lose it all and I did. I feared that I couldn't bare the loneliness and there are far too many days where I can't, but I do anyway. I feared I would end a marriage that ached my heart so much, and still wind up alone. I still fear that. It may be what happens. I may end up alone which would be awful, but is still better than the place I had been drowning in.

    However, I left the life that I had always known with the glimmers of hope that I would now be in the world, with as much of a chance as anyone else to find the man who would actually

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  • Nothing but the Real Thing

    Love,love,love!Tonight I am going on a real date. This is the first in a bit of a short while. Not just a meeting, a first meeting but an actual, let's have dinner and conversation and get to know you date. I'm excited about it.

    It seems a lot of the recent offers have been, "Let's meet for drinks and see if we click, then we can go watch movies at my place."

    My response has been, "Uh, no. How about taking me on a real date?" I am not expecting a big shelling out of cash or some fancy place. Just a bit more time than a drink takes to drink to get to know each other, to talk and to laugh and find out if I actually like you and if you actually like me.

    I have been told to get out of the dark ages and that we are consenting adults and that there is nothing wrong with having a little fun while we look for the one. It has led me to question my own standards and wonder if they are too high. Am I asking too much in this day and age for a bit of wooing and courtship before "watching movies" with a

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  • 'tis a Gift..

    Snowman on frozen Lake Saimaa, Puumala, FinlandThere are many ways to love someone. We can love them in gigantic dramatic demonstrations and we can love them in what some would deem inconsequential little ways and sometimes in the way that lay in between the two. Each is good and worth it and needed.

    Some people expect grand gestures and then are disappointed when loving is a bit more simple. There is a buildup, an anticipation in gift giving and receiving as if the size of the gift, the cost, the contemplation of what would be most perfect or the ordeal of finding the ultimate prize and then presenting it in a flourish of colored ribbons and shiny paper. Yet, the actual gift is not the important thing. It is not even the thought that counts; it is the love behind the thought. A gift, no matter how small is huge with the love that it is given with and received with. There should be no disappointment.

    Gifts are not necessarily something material. The definition is: something given voluntarily without payment in return, as to

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  • Love Ain't a Bad Thing

    Two hearts interlocking to show the meaning of love."What is it that you are lacking in yourself that is keeping you single?"

    I was taken off guard to be asked this question. What am I lacking? "Do you want the long list or the short list?" I feebly joked.

    "I want an answer to the question." He said. "I've done the work and I know why I am single and also why most single women are still single. I want to know what you think is lacking in you."

    I had a hard time answering the question. We all are lacking something. I'm not near enough to perfect and I guess I never expect someone else to be. I make poor choices and I make excuses for men and for myself too. My life can be quite chaotic at times and not necessarily because of my own doing. I have a hard time believing the bad in people. I trust too easily. I am too accepting at times and then I can be taken advantage of when someone finds my kindness to be a weakness rather than a genuine strength. I feel things intensely. I tend to have a lot of instability around me and what

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  • Missing Pieces

    puzzleThe last dance is the most painful. It is the final hurrah, the ending of a dream and the firm knowledge that what we wished for will never be. When the song has ended the dancers part and go their separate ways. There is no grandiose bow or an encore. There are no standing ovations or a mad clapping of hands and an audience crying, "Bravo!" There is simply the end and the silence of it all unfolding to this finality.

    So many times we postpone the inevitable because if there was any good in it we hope the good can come back. We get trapped in our thoughts of what used to be rather than what actually is. I know I have felt the pangs of, "We were happy. We were so in love and alive." I have a hard time seeing that it isn't that way anymore. I can get blind to the reality of that too much has happened and that the times now are rarely happy and good and right and fulfilling. I get stuck way back at the beginning and the wonders of what used to be. Choosing to let it go can feel like

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