Blog Posts by EMandLO.com

  • Top 5 Love Lessons from the Bachelorette (The Men Tell All)

    The men tell all.It's hard to come up with five decent love lessons each week when the show isn't that exciting this season. The bloopers reel wasn't even that good! (And such small portions, too!) A sure a signifier of just how ho-hum this cast was. So don't expect much enlightenment from "The Men Tell All." Fingers crossed for finale drama. Until then, a few tips (extracted from tonight's episode with metal pliers):

    1. When you make a big romantic mistake, the best/most endearing/classiest thing to do is to make a heart-felt, self-deprecating, earnest, honest apology about it (Jonathan, you sir, could give lessons on this).
    2. "You should be the same around your peers as you are around your girlfriend. You should bring your girlfriend around your peers, your friends, and be the same person and not have to turn around and put a different suit on and be Mr. America." Deep thoughts and wise love lessons from Mikey T. (Who knew?)
    3. If you're going to get a new, post-show hair style, make sure it'sbetter
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  • Top 5 Love Lessons Learned from the Bachelorette (Season 9, Episode 8)

    The Bachelorette
    1. Dating don'ts: Showing up shirtless. Showing up in an animal mascot suit. Showing up in earnest.

    2. Don't ever, EVER, let your Dad touch your date more than you've touched your date.

    3. Similarly: If you ever want to have sex again, do NOT, under any circumstances, get a nasal adjustment on national television.

    4. No need to throw away a perfectly good ring for sentimental reasons: eBay exists for a reason.

    5. It's officially inevitable: women always fall for the wrong men and let the right ones go.

    MORE LIKE THIS FROM EMandLO.com:

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  • Top 5 Works of Dirty Literature You Can Read in Public

    lolit_cropped
    This article originally appeared on ArchetypeMe.com

    We'd never be caught dead reading Fifty Shades of Grey -- let alone well-written erotica -- in public. There's just something unseemly about it, like PDA with too much tongue. But there are plenty of books that can satisfy your craving for smut while making you appear erudite to your neighbors on the beach or the subway.

    tropic-cancer-henry-miller-paperback-cover-art
    Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller The original edition of the book, published in France in 1934, was banned here in the U.S. for its sexual explicitness. Not until 1961 did we get a U.S. version -- and that led to obscenity trials going all the way to the Supreme Court, which declared it non-obscene in 1964, a whopping thirty years after its publication. Be warned: it will probably offend your modern sensibilities with its misogyny. (And if it doesn't, then there's probably something wrong with you.)


    LadyChatterleysLover_200Lady Chatterly's Lover by D.H. Lawrence For a more female-positive sex book from the same era, check out this 1928

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  • Top 5 Love Lessons Learned from the Bachelorette (S 9, Ep 7)

    ABC's Bachelorette will give one final rose to the guy she believes to be the man of her dreams!

    • If someone asks you (Catherine) about the love of your life (Sean) and you respond "We're best friends"...? Hello, red flag?!
    • When you (Michael) are trying to make someone (Des) fall in love with you, don't talk about all the negatives in your life: exes, health problems, daddy issues, freakin' tombstones, etc.
    • If someone (Des) can't look you (Michael) in the eye while you tell them your deepest feelings, um, it's a no-go.
    • Never admit on camera to falling in love (Des), because you are sure to jinx it and be rejected on national television. It's inevitable.
    • When your adult child (Michael) calls you to tell you they've been dumped, do NOT say, "Here we go again"! That's child abuse.
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  • Top 5 Love Lessons Learned from the Bachelorette (S 9, Ep 6)

    ABC's Bachelorette will give one final rose to the guy she believes to be the man of her dreams!Each week, Em & Lo recap the latest episode of The Bachelorette in handy romantic-advice form:

    • There are no imperfect places to fall in love in the entire resort world. None.
    • Yes, yes, do take your date by the hand in the middle of some boring event, run out into a nearby secluded corridor, press them up against the wall and kiss them passionately, please, yes, do that. But just make sure you actually escape the thing you're running away from. In other words, if you're looking for privacy, you've got to achieve a modicum of it (out-of-breath camera crews in the alleyway with you kind of ruin it).
    • Re love poetry: No more rhymes now, I mean it! (Anybody want a peanut?)
    • A great tactic to undermine your opponent in an argument about love is to pick an imaginary spot up in the air to focus on, thereby belittling them with your passive-agressive refusal to make eye-contact. (Especially good if you're soused out of your mind.) This has gotta be from The Art of War, right?
    • If
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  • Your 4th of July Horoscopes

    fireworksaries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
    Practice safe sex this 4th. We swear that's what the stars are telling you this week. So wrap up your firecracker or else you might end up with some 3rd degree burns on your genitals.

    taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
    The skies are clear so you can set your love rockets off. They should go off without a hitch. Expect lots of oooh-ing and ah-ing.

    gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
    Make a little room on your beach blanket for someone who wants to play bingo with you or you may discover that this person will kick sand in your face as they walk away to play with someone else's beach balls.

    cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
    You will be impossible to ignore this week, because it's your turn to shine and sizzle, like a sparkler at night, not like a greasy strip of fatty bacon.

    leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
    Open your eyes. You are missing opportunities that should not be passed by. Like finding love. Or checking out those giant 3-D fireworks in the shape of

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  • Top 5 Love Lessons Learned from Season 9 Ep 5 of the Bachelorette

    ABC's Bachelorette will give one final rose to the guy she believes to be the man of her dreams!

    1. If you (Bryden) are going to dump someone (Des), do NOT take great pains to do it publicly at an inconvenient time for the dumpee. Flying across an ocean to tell someone who you're not even really dating that you don't like them is a little "look at me! look at me!" Even worse if you do this to the dumpee while she's in the middle of an actual date/preparing for a job interview/giving a speech/attending a party where she is the guest of honor/or any other real world event that will be ending soon anyway, thus giving you the opportunity to break the "bad news."
    2. If, when talking about a guy you're dating (Chris), you (Des) can't help but make an expression like you just smelled the trash in the dumpster out behind your local sushi restaurant that's been baking in the summer sun all day, then he is probably not the guy for you.
    3. If you (Chris) are going to write someone a love poem, please don't make it rhyme. Exhibit A: "Girls I used to think were true/all out of mind as I think of
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  • What Do Men Think of a Woman Proposing?

    The ProposalAdvice from three of EMandLO.com's guy friends. This week they answer the following: "Would most men be cool with a woman proposing marriage to them? (assuming they're in a serious committed relationship where marriage has become an unspoken expectation for both parties)." To ask the guys your own question,click here.

    Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): I was pretty cool with it!

    We'd been in a serious committed relationship for years, and I'd known almost right away that I wanted to marry her. The expectation had even gone from unspoken to spoken when her fairly conservative mom cornered us coming out of a hotel room together on a family trip and said, "So what's the deal with you two?" We stammered a bit and my partner blurted out "But we're going to get married." And I nodded vigorously. Now, at the moment it wasn't strictly true. We'd talked about it a lot but never made an actual decision. We talked about it later, a bit surprised that in our mid-thirties we were still making

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  • 10 Tips to Stop Hating Your Body Enough to Have Sex

    Funhouse Mirror
    Dear Em & Lo,


    So, I think that I just might (fingers, eyes, everything but legs crossed) get cozy with a guy I've been crushing on forever. We're friends, but frequently get a bit romantic when we hang out and naughty-text once in a while. I would love to have a relationship with him.

    He's funny, adorable, and we get along so well. Then there's the problem…
    He's HOT. I'm talking smoke show. Super muscular and athletic, cute face, perfect teeth - the whole shebang. All of my friends think he's a babe.

    However, I am not physically perfect. Far from it. Don't get me wrong, I think I'm quite pretty, but I have lost 140 pounds, and had a baby. So basically my body is WRECKED. I really need a tummy tuck (or three), but I can't afford it and insurance doesn't cover it. And no, it's not like a little pooch. It's a big ol' deal.


    I usually have great confidence in the sack because the few guys I've been with had their own body-quirks, too. I look pretty decent with clothes on, but I'm afraid

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  • Top 5 Lessons Learned from Episode 3 of the Bachelorette

    ABC's Bachelorette will give one final rose to the guy she believes to be the man of her dreams!

    1. Never steal a kiss. "I have a secret to tell you"? It's like a sucker punch: cheap and ignoble. If you have to fake someone out to get them to kiss you, then you shouldn't be kissing them in the first place.

    2. The pain killers you get at the E.R. are just as good as Jack Daniels at screwing your romantic courage to the sticking place (as Shakespeare might say). And the pain from a broken appendage is a lot less shameful than the pain from a hangover the next day.

    3. While honesty is the best policy, opening your first date with the admission that you have a child with a crazy ex who pressed domestic violence charges against you is probably not the smoothest of moves. (Almost better to admit you were once gay.)

    4. Seriously, we said it before, we'll say it again: Actual laughter in the face of other people's tragedies is not cool (Des). Yes, maybe admitting on national television that you fell for your jerk boyf's line about needing a break for the exact amount of time it

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