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  • Your Love Life Horoscopes: 02-03-14

    Grand Central ceiling
    Each week, we at predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes - ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

    aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Don't agree to be anyone's date for "the prom" just yet (obvs, this is a metaphor). You've got months to make that decision and get to know the potential candidates a bit better - and in the meantime, you may become super popular and have even more choices. Bonus!

    taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) You're a go-getter in the love department, a deal-closer. You see something you want, you get it. This usually works. Usually. If you've got a particularly tough customer this week, taking your patented pushy approach might backfire. Have a slow hand, an easy touch.

    gemini (May 21st-June 21st) There must be some kind of planet alignment going on that's particularly conducive to positive sexual energy this week, as it seems a good number of signs are gearing

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  • Do People REALLY Use Dating Sites Just for "Conversation"?

    Fiddler on the Roof

    That's the claim of this reader's boyfriend -- that he has an online dating profile simply because he likes finding new people to talk to. Find out what we have to say to that below...

    Dear Em & Lo

    I'm in a different city from my boyfriend of 3+ years, studying for a degree. On my last visit home I discovered he has profiles on several dating websites, and his inbox is full of messages with attractive strangers. I confronted him about it twice, and both times he assured me he's never met any of these women and he's just in it to meet people and start conversations. He also promised to delete his accounts, but he hasn't.

    I'm very conflicted about what to do. My head tells me his actions are an obvious sign he's not that into me and our not-so-long-distance relationship isn't working out. But my heart still believes him when he swears I'm the only one he wants to be with. He's a smart, sweet, sensitive and caring guy, but he does have some growing up to do.

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  • 10 Thoughts on the Wolf of Wall Street

    The Wolf of Wall Street

    1. Not since Requiem for a Dream have drugs looked so unfun.

    2. This was billed as a black comedy. Which part was supposed to be funny, again?

    3. Okay, so the part where Jonah Hill whips out his (prosthetic) dong in the middle of a party and starts jacking off to a female guest was kind of funny, but only because we think that Jonah Hill is the kind of guy who would never do something like this, which means it's kind of funny to think of him filming the scene with a straight face. (Alright, alright, the scene where a stockbroker makes fun of Steve Madden shoes is kind of funny, too.)

    4. We don't have the same warm fuzzy feelings about Leonardo DiCaprio and the ladies, which makes his performance extra, er,convincing (you're totally right: we mean extra icky).

    5. Apparently, back in the '80s, pro dommes didn't take safewords seriously.

    6. "Wolfie" is a terrible safeword.

    7. The scenes of DiCaprio and Hill doing drugs together are a hell of a lot more intimate than

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  • Top 5 Love Lessons from the Bachelor (Juan Pablo, Ep 4)

    The Bachelor and the Narc

    1. When your date confides in you about their terrible, deadbeat, alcoholic father who abandoned them, do NOT respond with, "Wow, that must have been so difficult for your father." The appropriate response is, "Wow, that must have been so difficult for your YOU."

    2. Don't tell your date what you think they want to hear - be honest about your thoughts, opinions, desires, and doubts (like Opera Singer/Child-Hater Sharleen).

    3. Similarly, desperation and over-enthusiasm will not work in your favor. Be cool, calm, collected and - while we're at it - cautious and maybe even a little coy (again, like Can-I-Even-Be-Bothered-To-Be-Here Sharleen).

    4. On a date, don't be a narc and whine about your fellow human beings. Narcs never get the rose. (Ahn-nyoung, Elise.)

    5. If you're interested in kissing your date, don't lead with "Do you know what happened earlier? I threw up in my mouth a little, but then I swallowed it." (Somehow this worked for Claire, but it will NOT work for you.)

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  • Which Disney Princess Are You REALLY?

    Disney Princesses

    Results from the Zimbio quiz "Which Disney Princess Are You?" have been popping up in our Facebook feed this week. Most of them are as saccharine and subtly sexist as the Disney movies themselves, like this one:

    Ariel Zimbio

    They're just begging for a more honest edit, with a little tough love thrown in - one that reflects the disturbing messages about gender roles, romantic relationships and beauty often perpetuated by the Disney Princess Industrial Complex. Send the following to any one of your friends who's taken the quiz so they can read their real results:

    Ariel a la Em & Lo

    Snow White a la Em & LoCinderella a la Em & Lo

    Jasmine a la Em & Lo


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  • Your Love Life Horoscopes - the Shakespeare Edition

    William ShakespeareEach week, we at predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes - ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

    This week, the Bard tells you how to be...

    aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)

    "To gild refined gold, to paint the lily, To throw a perfume on the violet, To smooth the ice, or add another hue Unto the rainbow, or with taper-light To seek the beauteous eye of heaven to garnish, Is wasteful and ridiculous excess."

    - King John, act IV, sc. ii

    taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)

    "Therefore love moderately; long love doth so; Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow."

    - Romeo and Juliet, act II, sc. vi

    gemini (May 21st-June 21st)

    "A scepter snatch'd with an unruly hand Must be as boisterously maintain'd as gain'd; And he that stands upon a slippery place Makes nice of no vile hold to stay him up."

    - King John, act III, sc. iv

    cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)

    "Better a little chiding than a great deal

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  • Top 5 Love Lessons from the Bachelor (Juan Pablo, Ep 3)

    Juan Pablo playing soccer with the ladiees

    1. Date location don'ts: cold and dirty city harbors (that you intend to swim in), sport stadium hot dog kitchens (that you intend to make out in), and bungee-jumping bridges next to busy 8-lane freeways.

    2. Ladies, are we going to have to say this every week? If you don't want to do something, are scared of doing something, or are not ready to do something, then don't do it -- even if a guy you like is pressuring you to "do it for me." (It's like this whole season is one big metaphor for sexual peer pressure!)

    3. Makeup is fun and glamorous and, often times, pure magic. But it is NOT a necessity. A relationship in which you cannot let your partner see you "without your face on" is not one built on honesty or openness.

    4. Don't take dating advice from your mom (even if she gives it to you from beyond the grave).

    5. If you are a single dad dating 25 women at the same time, making out with many of them in a single group date, and frolicking around with them in their skimpy bathing suits
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  • Hot and Cheap: How to Make a Home-Cooked Meal for a Dollar!

    Dollar Meals, No RegretBeing able to cook is traditionally seen as sexy, but frugality? Not so much. But when you save money on food, think of all that leftover moolah you can apply to romantic dinners out, just-because gifts, and sex toy upgrades!

    When we at think of sexiness and frugality, we think of Jack Murnighan. We used to work with him back in the early days of He was a PhD student of medieval literature who penned the column "Jack's Naughty Bits," in which he would eloquently introduce the raunchiest bits from the cannon. His voice was deep and smooth like butter. He danced at all those fabulous late-90s internet-boom parties with the sensuality of Sally Rand. And he drank four-day old coffee without shame - indeed, with pride.

    Lo and Jack were roommates for five minutes and he would come home from Chinatown with a bag overflowing with exotic (or frightening, depending on your sensibilities)…ingredients? Yes, let's go with ingredients. All for less than a dollar! No

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  • Low Libido: Should You Blame Your Birth Control or Your Boyfriend?

    When Your Libido Goes MissingEach week Em & Lo answer your relationship advice questions at . You can submit your own question here .

    Dear Em & Lo,

    When I was in my teens, I had a perfectly healthy (if not overzealous…) sex drive. Now, in my mid 20′s, I find myself totally disinterested 95% of the time.

    I am trying to figure out if perhaps it could be due to hormonal birth control, as I am now on the P.O.P, or due to the fact that I am in a long-term relationship of the "love but not IN love" kind (that's its own issue entirely,) or if I am just …dysfunctional. Really hoping it's not the latter because I seem to remember that sex was kind of fun at one point. It makes me feel weird and broken and sad. I sometimes suffer from depression and this just makes it worse. The most terrible part is that I feel pretty resigned to it.

    Help! It shouldn't be this way, I'm a young, healthy, mostly well-adjusted human. What's going on?

    - Lukewarm

    Dear Lukewarm,

    The short answer goes something

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  • Dream Interpretation: My Boyfriend Switched Bodies with Me

    The Hot ChickOther people's dreams are never interesting…except when they're about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it. This week, a reader asks Lauri:

    A few months ago my boyfriend described a dream he had. He said that he and I were having sex and it was really amazing. And then he said that right as he was about to orgasm in the dream he sort of got this tunnel vision, and the moment he orgasmed he said that he was in my body, but with his own thoughts. He was looking with my eyes and my body. I also wanted to know more about this switching bodies dream… and is this a common dream? (Not necessarily this specific details or even the sexual aspect of it being common, but the aspect of being in someone else's body.)

    Lauri: Your boyfriend's dream is actually a really great example of what sex dreams are really about; it's not so much about the sex but about the

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