Blog Posts by Monika Basile

  • For the Love of God

    The Universe
    There is one deal breaker that I will never budge on. To me, it is the most important one. It is the one instance that no matter how much I like a man, adore a man or am attracted, I will not change my mind. I can't compromise here and some may see me as a fool.

    He must believe in God.

    I don't care if someone has religion or even what religion they follow. I don't care if they call God a Higher Power, Allah, Supreme Being, Her, Him or even Fred. I just need to have the assurance that he will not knock my faith or make fun of me for having it. I would not do that to anyone, non-believer or believer. I simply want to know, that when the odd things that happen in my life happen-my future love will understand that I will see God somewhere in that picture.

    I think that to debate my faith with one of the ones who is to love me-who I am to love, is exhausting. If you don't believe at all in the existence of a God, then you will never be able to "get" me, to understand me or to truly

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  • Picking Through the Picky

    a vampire

    It isn't picky. It's what I can tolerate without losing my mind or laughing out loud. Sometimes it's the little things that make us realize someone isn't right for us. Yet, we have a hard time listening to our own inner voice-trusting ourselves that maybe the little thing that puts a niggle in the back of our brains, is actually a darn big deal.

    I am sure there are plenty of little things about me that cause particular men to go running in the opposite direction. Odd little habits that I don't even realize I do or even huge big things that I am perfectly aware of. And that's okay-move along. I'm fine with that. Not that I am unwilling or unable to improve on myself, I just do not feel the need to try and change the little things that make up who I am or beat my head against a wall to change things I can't possibly change.

    I am not asking anyone to change either. I am okay with moving along on my merry way when those little idiosyncrasies become giant, glaring red flashing lights

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  • The Drawback

    pink
    This time of year is a strange one for me. I call it the Holiday Drawback. This is when relationships that ended, men I have loved... tend to seep their way back into my life or at least attempt to. I used to think it was because maybe, somehow, it could all be relived-but that isn't the reason at all.

    I think that sometimes people look for the people they let go of who were good to them, as one looks for a set of carelessly misplaced keys. The key word here is carelessly, not misplaced. It has taken me a while to realize that but I do understand it now.

    No one wants to be alone on the holidays or even living with someone who makes them feel alone. So instead they think back to a time when someone was good to them or saw the wonder in them or simply enjoyed the person they were. And they are drawn back, back to that time when maybe they felt really good for a bit. Then the thoughts get swirling wicked crazy. What happened? Hey, why did that end? Hmmm, I wonder if she still thinks of

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  • We Are the Needy

    Holding hands.
    I think I have heard enough of it.

    This world says so knowingly, "You should not need, not attach. You should be fine, wonderful, content with just yourself..."

    I say instead, "Enough. I've heard enough." I will not be able to live in this particular version of the world any longer because I find that all that world does-is make me feel as if something is inherently wrong deep inside me. I shall instead live in this world I am surrounding myself in...one where I am connected.

    The way to avoid living is to detach yourself from it-to talk yourself out of actual need and substitute the word want. The way to never get hurt by loving, is to never allow yourself to love-to not open yourself up to actually needing other people to round out your life.

    So many miss the entire point of humanity, of life itself by forgetting that nothing exists alone. We are not intended too. Not one thing is supposed to be without another. Even the stars have fellow stars, a moon, a

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  • I Ain't Desperate

    A few weeks ago I went to dinner with a friend. We are both single and both desiring more but not with each other. I suggested internet dating. He said the ultimate worst thing, "I'm not that desperate."

    I cringed-on the inside and the outside.

    At the moment I am not online. I have been giving myself a bit of time to heal and get brave again. However, I may be back there soon enough. And I ain't desperate.

    I said that out loud, "Hey, I internet date. I'm not desperate. I'm just actively seeking what I very much want."

    He rolls his eyes and goes on to tell me how his ex wife also internet dated all over the place, constantly meeting men etc. I had to point out to him how his ex wife actually met the man of her dreams doing this and married him last year.

    "Well, I'm just not that desperate yet. And there are a bunch of strange people on there anyway."

    Trying to explain to someone that it is not a desperate act to date in a different way is baffling. Trying to

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  • Being Brave

    It's funny that the longer I am on this journey, the more I learn about myself. I wonder if this is the reason that I am still wandering alone-so I can learn everything I need to.

    I used to be someone who trusted everyone-even the people I shouldn't have. I was always understanding of where a person was coming from. I was quick to forgive and make amends. I was living life as if everything were peachy keen and filled with rainbows. This thought was prominent in my head, "If I just keep plugging along it will all be fine." It was as if I covered my eyes during the scary parts of movie so I could pretend it never happened.

    And then reality punched me hard in the face...several times. Really.

    I have noticed recently, I seem to have gone the other way-I am filled with mistrust. Yes, there are reasons. I've been lied to. I've been used. I've been hurt. I am terrified of it happening again and again. Trust no one. I know that is a line from somewhere and I can't remember

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  • Scraps

    I have noticed a pattern in my life. A pattern that is ugly and gaudy. A pattern-that I want to change. I want to change it right now.

    I have been a settler. I have been a woman whom has settled for scraps and thought I was having the best parts and not the cast offs-the parts most would scrape into the garbage-this has been what I have kindly taken as my due. No more. No more will I settle for the least of things while living in fear that this is all there is to be offered to me.

    The common denominator in it all is me. It is my behavior whether I realized it or not. It is me and I allowed it. I wonder how I end up in the very same spot no matter which road I start on. I am the one who winds up with a huge plate of nothing and it takes me too long to realize that it is just that-nothing. It has taken me even longer to understand that I want, need and deserve much more and that I have the right to expect to get as much as I give.

    When I look back on the relationships I

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  • Baggage

    Baggage
















    It's strange when a relationship ends that it isn't just that relationship that is ending. It is every one before that, relived and ending all over again. It is more painful the more times you go through it.

    We think we let it go and let it rest when our lives move on. In reality though, it lingers somewhere in the unconscious...waiting. It springs out at us at the very worst moments. It is our heart and brain's version of "kicking someone when they are down". It stinks.

    I have been taking a tumble down memory lane the past few days and it is making this road of life a hazard. It is too much, too intense to see all of it all over again. It is too deep and filled with feeling to look at all at once. . It is odd how the simplest thing can trigger the tiniest memory and then how that little crack is enough to let a flood through.

    Let it go.

    We all hear those words many times throughout our lives. We even pound that phrase into our own heads. We do it. We consciously

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  • Hope

    A village road

















    I have been waiting for you

    A lifetime of patience and impatience

    I see you just up ahead of me

    A bit further down the road than I can reach on foot

    You pull further in the lead

    As I am quickening my pace behind you

    I have waited so long

    And I am tired

    And weary

    And the loneliness feels as if it is gaining ground behind me

    I am terrified

    That I will lose my footing

    Twist an ankle

    And no longer even be able to see you somewhere in the distance

    A hazy figure fading into mists of longing

    This lifetime of mine

    It is half done, half lived, half experienced

    There isn't much longer

    I fear

    I just need a bit of help here

    I just need a skateboard

    Or roller-skates

    A scooter or a fast moving train

    To get to this place

    I know you exist in

    And have been spending your life

    Your half of life

    Waiting for me

    To catch up to you

    Monika M. Basile

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  • User Post: More Than Paper

    A lovely man recently asked me this question;

    "Do you want to get married again?"

    I was surprised. During all these years of dating-not one man has asked that. Not one single one. I think many people are turning against this tradition. It actually has been a question that I had been mulling over a few months before and came to a decision on. Yes. I do want to get married again. I don't have to-I want to.

    These past years I assumed someday I would live with someone again and just share my life. I didn't really think too much about actually doing the marriage thing. I just figured living together would be okay, would be good enough, would be enough and it didn't really matter. It's just a piece of paper, right? It's not all that important really, is it? And to my utter chagrin, I realize I was wrong in that line of thought.

    A few months ago, while watching a wedding show, watching family and friends gathered, hearing heartfelt and genuine vows, and seeing the pure joy

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Pagination

(92 Stories)