Blog Posts by Monika Basile

  • Tune In..

    Broken television dreams.

    We are odd people in this home. Not just because I say it, because most who visit agree and either one of two things happen; either they join in with our bizarre shenanigans and eventually find them to be our version of "normal, or they never come back.

    I shall pick one instance to give a glimpse of the real live life we lead. Our television viewing habits are a good example. Until recently, we watched a T.V. that the top six inches were wavy lines. They also made the picture upside down from those six inches up. We watched anyway even though it was sometimes in color, sometimes not, sometimes loud and sometimes silent. And when others came, "How can you possibly watch this T.V.?" is exclaimed with surprise. Well we did...until I finally broke down this spring and bought a new one.

    And still the television issue is prevalent in our household. Most days we don't turn the volume up and we watch a silent spattering of images and wonder out loud what in the world is going on.

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  • I'll Be Fine


    Passions Flower

    Yesterday my mother said to me, "I'm just afraid you will get hurt." I understand that. My mother has watched me hurt quite often and no mother likes to see it happen.

    I tried to assure her that I was willing to take the risk and that I would be okay. "You have to play to win, Mom." I answered back, and then could not quite explain myself.

    I will try here instead, my sweet mother, to explain it better.

    I am not afraid to hurt, however much I do not want to hurt. I am afraid to grow numb and not feel. I am afraid more to never experience all the things I want to experience. I know it pains her to watch me stumble. It would pain me more if I sat down right where I was and stopped moving forward.

    Each heartache has led me on to the next part of my life. Each joy also led me to the next too. I only hope she understands that it is her who taught me to be strong no matter what happens.

    I know there must be times she wishes she could just step in and stop me in my

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  • Never Give Up

    String of Hearts"Never give up..." most believe this is a quote from Winston Churchill. However, he really said, "Never give in..." I believe both thoughts are true. It's why I am still here doing this dating thing. I'm not giving up.

    I have been told by several people that I am absolutely nuts to continue this on especially because of the outcome of my last few dates. Lately, I have had some really great first dates with interesting men only to be asked a different version of the same question the next day.

    "What do you like?" meaning sexually.

    I am baffled and disappointed.

    Part of me wonders if men encounter so many prudish women that they live in fear of every woman being prudish that maybe they ask to know up front. Yet I am utterly uncomfortable to answer that question from a stranger. It is intimate and private and something to be explored by lovers. It isn't prudish to say, "I don't know you well enough to talk of such things."

    I feel I might have a knack at magic

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  • Saturday Night

    life's joyI know my youngest daughter views me as somewhat pathetic.

    On a Saturday night, after helping a friend move, cleaning, cooking dinner for an assortment of children, and then cleaning up again, I was simply relaxing and surfing the next. She was waiting for her friends to pick her up.

    "Mom? Why don't you go out?"

    I look up at her a bit confused, "With who?"

    She is a wonder of a beauty at the age of fifteen. "Uhm, I don't know. What about with that guy you went out with this week?"

    "He has his kid." I turn my attention away from her back to the computer.

    "What about Deb?"

    "She has her in-laws over to finish helping her move."

    She continues on and is getting exasperated as she lists people who I no longer hang around with or who live far away now, or who are simply busy with their own lives. "You really should go out, Mom." She averts her eyes and flips her hair.

    "Why is this so important?"

    She just looks away and doesn't answer and I get it. She

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  • User Post: First Dates

    First Date!First Dates...ugh...yeah!

    It involves a feeling of anticipation and dread, of excitement and fear, of hopefulness and insecurity. I love/hate first dates.

    The" freak out" phenomenon (and no, I am not meaning I will hurt myself, run screaming naked through the streets or start picking people off from a clock tower)causes a distinct uneasiness in me. Will he like me? Will I like him? Will it be wonderful or a disaster? Will it even just be nice or will I be trying to come up with reasons to leave?

    It is worse when it comes to internet dating as we do not really know the physical person at all..and they do not know us either. Ahhhh...here is where all the unique surprises come in. One of the surprises is that we don't look how the other has imagined. Pictures only capture so much. Pictures and profiles are not liars-just gross exaggerators of the truth.

    I sometimes wonder if maybe it would be smarter to post photos of me- pre-morning coffee, jumping out of bed after a night

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  • Leaps of Faith


    Faith

    Leaps of faith must be taken on a regular basis. It is how I live my life and definitely the reason I experience the heartaches I do. It is also the reason my life is filled with surprises and immense joy at times too. We have to play to win. We have to live to actually, well...live.

    I watch many people I know hide behind the walls they build and false bravados of, "I don't care. Not going there." and, "I'm doing just fine on my own." Not true. It isn't ever true that we are really living if we are hiding with blankets pulled over our heads fearful we might be attacked at any moment instead of taking the chance and stepping out into the world-the real world. Not the world we carefully construct around ourselves making sure only the right experiences invade our premises. The real live world where anything can and usually does happen. The world where we have no foresight to know what is just around the corner waiting for us.

    There has to be room for the dark horses and odd

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  • User Post: On Love and Psychos

    How to deal with a broken heart.
    When is that moment when we lose our minds over someone? Are we absolutely conscious of it or does it just sneak right in, causing us to behave in ways that we never would have if we were thinking clearly?

    I am guilty of this as I am sure everyone has been at one time or another in their lives. However, I try not to be for the most part what most would call, "Psycho". I am pretty good most of the time in controlling those awful impulses to say and do what immediately comes to mind when you feel you may be losing someone or something.

    I am not a drunken texter or dialer though I am one to definitely think of it-of everything I want to say or do to that person. There are times when I would love to make a list of everything that has bothered me and every grievance I never voiced aloud. It is a battle within me to not allow the inner "Psycho" to lash out. I don't even think it is a matter of having control, but more the thought of knowing how bad I would feel later-no matter how

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  • User Post: The Dumps..

    Whether you are scared of hurting his feelings, or you just need to get out of a relationship that is going nowhere, breaking up is never fun.
    It has been a strange feeling to be on the other end of it.

    The dumper instead of the dumpee. It isn't a good feeling in the least. Usually it's me-the one who thinks everything is going well and then gets awarded a nasty surprise.

    I don't like it-either position. I don't like being hurt anymore than hurting someone. I don't like that feeling in my heart or the light bulb that goes off in my brain signaling something isn't there or something is simply over. It is a sadness in me to know that I am throwing in the towel and walking away because it just isn't working.

    To do it gently, kindly, gracefully? I struggle with it and the words I use are picked and chosen with utmost care. I hate the thought of making it worse than it has to be. But I hate the thought more of simply fading away-which is my instinctual feeling, which is what I want to do. It would be easier to ignore it all. Easier for me.

    I thought about too, what I would like to hear, what I would prefer--yet it

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  • Just Do It

    Into the Circle
    "I'm not responsible for your happiness…"

    Yes you are. And I am responsible for yours.

    There is so much advice these days that absolve us of being responsible for others-in our love lives, family lives, work and play. Yet, we are all utterly responsible for each other and every action we take makes a difference of some sort in another life.

    I was told recently that we all should be happy with ourselves and then we can love others. I disagree. I am not saying that we should walk around as miserable dregs of society. I am merely pointing out, that we humans, we have the power to bring joy as well as the power to bring sorrow. And maybe if we do some things simply to make someone else happy (as long as it does not damage us) then wouldn't the world be a bit better off?

    We have become selfish in our self preservation. We have become careless in our criticisms and pointing fingers at others and refusing to accept the blame our actions may have caused. We have focused

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  • My Blue Christmas

    Blue Christmas?

    Some of us hide behind facades during the Holiday season. We pretend to be having a wonderful time and fill our lives up with parties and gift giving and spreading good cheer. When in our realities we are falling to pieces. We are sad or disappointed or lonely or grieving. Yet, the world expects us to buck up and push it all aside.

    I want to not be ashamed of my sadness. I want it to be okay to say, "Yeah, I know the tree is lovely but it hurts to look at it and remember other Christmas's." I want it to be okay to simply cry all day and feel my grief and not try to hide behind a false bravado. It would be such a relief to allow myself the time to just actually fall to pieces until I could not be broken anymore and then quietly begin to glue myself together.

    I wonder if the reason we have lingering sadness is due to not being allowed to feel it completely and to its completion. We cut our grief short because we are supposed to go on and remember others have it worse. We

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Pagination

(93 Stories)