10 Pieces of Clothing that Just Don't Work
Trendy or not, some clothes are just impossible - they don't flatter and they don't wear well and yet designers keep making them and people keep buying them hoping each time will be different. It won't be. Ever. It's time to move on. Break the cycle. Stop trying to make peplum happen.
By Charles Manning
1. Flared Jeans: Flares are supposed to make you look skinnier by balancing out the roundness in your hips, but it's a lie! They oftem make one look short and knock-kneed.
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2. Mid-Calf Boots: They look so nice just sitting there - such nice proportions. Then you put them on and they cut across your calf at the widest point, making your legs look short and stocky. Tricked again!
3. Elastic Self-Waist Dresses: Whenever an elastic waistband is a visible design feature of your dress, it's going to look cheap. Even if you try to cover that crinkly little line with a belt, eventually that fucker is going to sneak out and then it's all over.
4. Fascinators: They just look like clown hats. I don't care if Kate Middleton wears them. Hers look like clown hats too - fluffy, beige clown hats.
5. Bib Necklaces: A statement necklace is one thing, but a bib necklace is just ridiculous. It's so massive and solid - it dominates your whole outfit and becomes the only thing anyone can see.
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6. Long Puffer Coats: These are the unsexiest pieces of cold-weather gear since snowshoes. Not puffer jackets, which are shorter and can actually be really cute and make your legs look skinnier, but puffer coats - they just make it look like you're waddling around in a stack of inner tubes.
7. Slinky Cotton Jersey Dresses: Do you have nipples? Do you like wearing underwear? Then those super-soft lightweight cotton jersey dresses are not for you. They just show absolutely everything from panty lines to bra straps to butt dimples. There's no mystery about what you've got going on underneath. You might as well be wearing body paint.
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8. High-Waist Underwear: Not sexy. Not sexy. It doesn't matter who is making them they will always look like your granny's panties. If you somehow do manage to look sexy in them it will be in spite of the underwear, not because of it.
9. Wrap Dresses: Sure, it looks okay in the dressing room, but as soon as you try to wear it for real the tie starts to loosen and the neckline starts to sag. Before you know it half your bra is showing and you can't get the hemlines to match up. You try to tighten it, but that just cuts your boobs in a weird way, so you give up and decide to just pin it closed. Now the whole line of the dress is ruined and you're walking around with a safety pin everyone can see no matter how carefully you place it.
10. Peplums: A peplum is supposed to accentuate your waist but if it's too long it looks like you're wearing a child's dress as a top and if it's too short it can make your torso look squat and your hips look boxy. Either way, it's adding a whole bunch of volume to your mid-section and that is never a good idea.
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