Hello Casper, it's me Bronzer! How to get a tan fast without looking like an Oompa Loompa

Are you planning on wearing shorts/a skirt/a bathing suit/exposing any flesh this weekend? I am. And quite frankly, I feel scared. My skin is WHITE. Not like pretty, ivory Nicole Kidman white. No, we're dealing with Philip Seymour Hoffman pale-with-blotchy-specks-of-red-fire white. It is not, in a word, hot. And I know, I should be all "love yourself for who you are", "who cares about pasty legs, we're at war." But instead, I just want to use a bit of fast, non-streaky self-tanner and look a teeny tiny bit bronze. Sue me.
I've rounded up some quick-fix products below. All I've used myself or have come on very good recommendations (oh and for best results your legs should be shaved and your skin exfoliated first)...

How can I explain to you that Jergens Natural Glow Express will change your life?
Jergens Natural Glow Express will change your life. It's $7.99 at CVS (and lots of drugstores) and it is awesome.

My friend swears by this new Body Shop Body & Leg Shine ("It takes the edge off super-white legs.") What's even cooler is, it's a solid so you could travel with it, without its taking up precious room in your zip-lock liquid toiletries bag ($18.50)

Same concept with this Michael Kors Leg Shine to Go (I find this one kind of shimmering, which is neither good nor bad, just a fact). At $10, it's also really well-priced.

It's kind of expensive, yes, but Lancome's Flash Bronzer is what every fashion editor I know uses for a smooth, real-looking leg tan. Available at most department stores, $29.50.

Jergens Natural Glow Express will make you feel sexy and beautiful

Goodbye hellish red bumps!

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This scares me: Laser hair removal from home

Are drugstore products more effective than fancy-schmance brands? One dermatologist says absolutely, yes