Kim Kardashian's Selfie, and Other Imagined Celebrity Connections

Josh Duboff

Each week, we look at the biggest celebrity news-and amuse ourselves by imagining how those celebrities might have reacted. Join us as we write vows with Lauren Conrad, head backstage with Selena Gomez, and look in on a meeting between Jennifer Lopez and her chef.

Charlie Hunnam drops out of 50 Shades of Grey; the search for Christian Grey to recommence.

Kellan Lutz, gym bag in hand, runs his hand through his hair in the hallway mirror. His girlfriend looks up from her tea in the kitchen. She sees him mouthing, "Come here, Ana." After a few minutes, he sprints into the kitchen and grabs a juice.

"You're in a good mood," she deadpans.

"The world is full of possibility yet again," he says, glimmering.

Lauren Conrad reveals her engagement to William Tell via Instagram.

Lauren takes out her hand-crafted quill and begins writing her vows on lavender bespoke stationery: "I want to always forgive you, and I want to never forget you." Her lips curl into a grin. "The rest, as a song I may have heard once or twice goes, is still unwritten . . ."

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Jay-Z and Chris Martin ride the subway together in London.

"Bey and GP, they'd never go for this," Jay laughs, as he and Chris hang on to the metal rails.

"Right? I handed Gwyneth a sponge yesterday in the kitchen, and she looked at me, dead serious, and said 'I don't know what this is.'"

Selena Gomez falls on stage in the middle of a concert in Virginia.

"You handled that so gracefully, Selena," one of her dancers tells her backstage.

Selena slumps in her chair. "Yeah, the only thing I'm annoyed about is that you know they're going to find a way to make this about Justin. SELENA TAKES TUMBLE! WAS SHE THINKING ABOUT JUSTIN?!? or HEARTBROKEN SELENA OVERWHELMED BY HEARTBREAK, CRASHES TO GROUND with, like, an inset of Justin shirtless, or a graphic of seven out-of-context tweets he wrote two years ago that have the word 'love' in them."

Miley Cyrus' Bangerz debuts at number one on the Billboard Hot 100.

Tish Cyrus shows up at Miley's house the day after the chart news comes out. Miley's wearing glasses, a chunky sweater, and sweatpants. Her hair is waist-length and brown.

"Miley . . . you're . . . are you okay? . . . you're back to normal - I don't . . ."

"Oh yeah, now that the album's out, I can quit all of that: the hair, the twerking, the tongue. I'm in the middle of the new Dave Eggers now, though, so can you actually come by later?"

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Jennifer Lopez's assistant defects to work for Mariah Carey.

J. Lo calls her chef into her office. "What am I doing here?" he asks.

J. Lo takes off her sunglasses. "My assistant's gone. You're the best I've got at the moment. I need you to infiltrate Mariah Carey's house and . . ." J. Lo picks up a small jewel and crushes it in her hand. ". . . steal her twins and bring them to me."

"Wait, you want me to steal her children, kidnap them, and bring them to you?"

"Kidnap is a strong word," J. Lo whispers, putting her sunglasses back on. "Don't return until you've accomplished your mission."

Kim Kardashian posts a selfie of her backside, which immediately captures the attention of seemingly the entire internet.

Kendall Jenner enters the room as the white bathing suit-clad Kim positions herself in front of a mirror.

"Kim, you've been in here for over two hours now. Just post one."

"KENDALL DO YOU THINK THERE WAS ANYONE RUSHING LEONARDO DA VINCI WHEN HE WAS PAINTING THE MONA LISA?? I DON'T THINK SO!"

It's reported that Paul Rudd and Joseph Gordon-Levitt are the finalists for the role of Ant-Man in the upcoming film.

Chris Hemsworth scowls as he finishes his breakfast of Muscle Milk and steak.

"What?! This is a slap in the face of the entire superhero industry! What, were Michael Cera and Quvenzhane Wallis busy??"

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