9 Things Never to Say to Friends Battling Illness

By Arricca Elin SanSone

When a friend or friend's family member is seriously ill, you want to support her, but it's difficult to know what to say and do. "Because illness is random and unfair, many of us feel tongue-tied or blurt out the wrong thing and inadvertently upset our friends," says Jeanne E. Decker, PhD, a psychologist in Richmond, VA. "But the right words can provide much-needed comfort and support to a family in crisis." Here's what to avoid saying to anyone battling illness-or with a relative who is-as well as how to offer encouragement.Photo by: Getty Images

1. I'm sure you/he/she will be okay.

While you're obviously trying to reassure your friend, "you simply don't know this is true," says Dr. Decker. "You may feel comfortable uttering a platitude, but it sounds as if you're removed from the situation and the pain your friend is feeling." A better approach: Say something like, "I'm so sorry your family has to go through this," which emphasizes that you care for this person.
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2. You have to stay positive.

"People have different ways of coping, and telling someone how she ought to act or feel isn't helpful," says Sheila Namir, PhD, a psychologist in Santa Cruz, CA. "It's more useful to be empathetic, which means being with that person emotionally." Instead of dictating how you think she should deal, which isn't fair since you're not in the same situation, say something to give your friend a chance to open up: "If you feel like talking, I'm here" or "I'm sure you're going through a lot of emotions right now."

3. Have you tried supplements? Alternative medicine? This cure I read about online?

Despite your best intentions, offering medical advice annoys most people. "I absolutely hate it when a friend tells me I should do this or that about my condition. She's not a doctor," says Carine Nadel of Laguna Hills, CA. "No one (except physicians) should tell another person how to treat an illness. It's hard enough having to live with it." The experts agree: Absolutely, positively stay away from this one, no matter how tempted you are to share what you believe is good advice.
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4. Are you sure you're using the best doctor/hospital/treatment?

Asking about a friend's doctor or treatment plan casts doubt on a person's ability to make a sound decision. And it accomplishes nothing. "When you're doing all you can and are exhausted by it all, a comment like this is insulting," says Kara Radcliff of Clifton Park, NY. The bottom line: "It's dangerous to undermine someone's confidence in her doctor or treatment plan because it can create more worry, which a family certainly doesn't need," says Dr. Namir. While it's okay to offer a suggestion if your friend specifically asks for a referral, it's not okay to volunteer this information.

5. What is your/his/her prognosis?

"People think it shows concern to ask about this, but the listener may not be ready to talk about it," says Dr. Namir. In fact, direct questions can come across as being more about your curiosity rather than your support. Instead try, "I'm keeping you in my thoughts" or "I'm praying for you." These comments show your intent is to do something for the family, rather than to intrude with questions that may be unwelcome.
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6. My relative had that exact illness, and she's fine (or not fine) now.

You may think it's a good idea to share anecdotes of other people's diagnoses. "But patients and their families don't find it helpful to hear everyone else's horror or success stories," says Joffe. Even if you personally have been through something like this, every individual and treatment is different; your stories can't change what the person you're speaking with is experiencing right now. Avoid adding to a family's anxiety, and just don't tell tales-period.

7. Call me if you need anything.

"People rarely ask for help," says Rosalind Joffe, a CICoach.com career coach who works with people with chronic health conditions. "A family may not know what they need. If you're sincere, be specific with your offer." For example, give your friend options and let her choose what's genuinely useful, such as buying and delivering groceries, picking up prescriptions at the pharmacy and doing household chores.
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8. How did you/he/she get that disease?

It's a question your friend may be asking herself, too, but it's not something she may know or want to discuss. "We ask questions like this because we want to establish cause and effect and make sense of why things happen," says Dr. Decker. "But illness makes no sense. No one is immune, and that scares us." Rather than sharing this natural response to the uncertainty of our world, learn to edit yourself. Skip the questions and offer practical support with a big pot of soup, rides to chemo, a hug or a small gift to remind your friend that she's in your thoughts.

9. This is happening for a reason.

First, this comment assumes your beliefs are her beliefs, which you may not know for sure. Second, it's not particularly comforting to most people. The best way to show you care: Keep the questions, advice and clichés to yourself and offer tangible, ongoing help. "The message you convey should always be 'I'm here to support you in whatever way I can,'" says Dr. Decker. "Your encouragement and kindness may be exactly what helps your friend through her most difficult days."
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Original article appeared on WomansDay.com.

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