Freezing my Eggs, Part 1: The Box
This morning, a FedEx box arrived containing $3,300 worth of medications. And so begins the process of freezing (hopefully without scrambling) my eggs.
"It's a miracle!" says my best friend Jen, the mother of two.
"You're so lucky that you have the choice to extend your fertility," remarks a 44 year-old woman who tried IVF the past several years but failed, and is now using an egg donor and surrogate to have a child.
"OMG, do it!" texts a man my age whose 42 year-old fiancée has had two miscarriages over the past two years.
Yet I can't help but feel sad as I open the box and sort through the piles of hormones, syringes, needles, and gauze pads, placing a few precious bottles of follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) in the fridge. This is not what I wanted to be doing at age 37½, alone. I wanted to be having a child years ago, with my (now ex) husband. Confronted with such undeniable evidence of my status as a single and childless woman who is running out of time, tears flood out, unbidden and uncontrollable.
I'm grieving… the loss of a romantic dream, the passing of my youth, and something else more elusive: the illusion that if I worked hard, was a kind-hearted and sincere person, served the planet, and safeguarded my own physical and psychological wellbeing, then I would get what I wanted and deserved.
If my Buddhist meditation and yoga practice have drilled one important life lesson into my brain over the past decade, it is: "Let go." I have gotten better at this in some regards. I let go of a nine-year marriage that wasn't serving me in my quest to be my best self. I let go, with great difficulty, of another profound relationship when I realized that my soul mate couldn't meet me in enthusiastic partnership. I have and continue to let go, with dedicated practice, of anger and anxiety about not being where I thought I would be at this stage in my life.
But I sometimes stumble when I confront the issue of my fertility. Yes, it's important to have faith that I am where I am supposed to be. Yes, I have come to terms with the realities of romance and marriage, which have nothing to do with Disney movies. But where is the line between letting go and taking charge of my desire to have children?
When do I accept, and when do I fight?
CONTINUE READING AT INTENT.COM!
Written by Mei Mei Fox for Intent.com.
More From Intent:
Scary Science: Florida Doctor Gives Prenatal Hormones To Fight Lesbianism
