How to Grow a Thicker Skin

by Amanda Woerner



photo by Shaw Patric
photo by Shaw Patric

It will happen: At some point your boss is going to hand you your ass, or a guy will crush your heart, or, hell, some minor nitpick will manage to shatter your ego. It's life. And that you can't control. What you can control is how you react to, process and come back from that hideous moment. Options: Let it rip you apart, or build your resilience so it fuels you on to the next thing. Here's how to stay strong when you're...

Getting criticized
So maybe your guy makes a "suggestion" about your career decisions or your mom questions your lifestyle. Remember this: Your loved ones tend to criticize because they care and want you to succeed. Your boss doesn't have the same emotional investment in you when she's chiding you for your job performance, but remember that being constructively criticized means you're worthy of criticism--people don't bother to fix things they don't care about. It's a you-and-me team mentality, not a you-versus-me rivalry, and now you know how to be a better team player. "As a manager, the best outcome is seeing the employee calmly own her mistakes, assure me that it won't happen again and most important, not dwell on it," says Rachel Thomas, cofounder and president of LeanIn.org.

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Being denied

You didn't get it--a spot in the graduate program or even a date with your cute new neighbor. OK, disappointing. But for everything you didn't score, think about what you did: a smart application essay you can use for your next top-choice school; the courage to ask that guy out and the knowledge that a little rejection won't kill you. "The more we survive rejection, the more fearless we become," says Deborah H. Gruenfeld, Ph.D., codirector of the Executive Program for Women Leaders at Stanford Graduate School of Business. Whenever you put yourself out there, you can learn that rejection isn't end-of-the-world bad and gain confidence.

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Dealing with haters
No one enjoys being disliked. But think about someone you can't stand: First, do you think your opinion should ruin her life? No. And second, what's the coolest move she could pull? Acting like she doesn't need your approval. "Show someone that she's getting under your skin and you add fuel to her fire--you just make it harder for yourself," says psychiatrist Catherine Birndorf, M.D., self's contributing mental health expert. But the moment you decide, and show, you don't care, you take away her power. And not just that: You could come off as way more likeable.

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