Kim Kardashian can't lose the booty weight

Dearest Kim,

Heya, just browsing through US magazine, my go-to source for fair and balanced coverage of your hiney. And I read this:

"I love that I'm curvy, but I'm on this major kick to try and lose weight, especially in my butt," she tells Radar magazine. "I'm just so over it! When you're posing on the red carpet and the paparazzi shout, 'Turn around! Turn around!' -- it gets a little offensive."

Well Kim, you are in luck! As a trainer, I feel I can totally help. If you want to lose weight in your behind, I'll just hook you up to the Oh Booty Oh-Bliterator---trademarked, natch---a revolutionary machine that completely tones and reduces just the size of your derriere. Whenever you are ready for a tinier hindside, just say, "Oh honey, Oh-bliterate me please!" and let the Oh Booty works its magic. Available for $19.95 wherever fine exercise equipment and fake dreams are sold.

Ha ha ha! No seriously, I'm so thrilled you said this, because you are going to help me make two points. Namely (drumroll, pleeease):
1. You cannot in any way, anyhow, from now until eternity or science makes some bizarre breakthrough, ever, ever spot-tone. Even god him or herself cannot relieve you of selective bulges, unless you have some especially close relationship and in that case, I'd ask for world peace or a World Series sweep instead. What does spot-tone mean? Well, some of you already know this, but since it comes up so darn often, I'll tell you. While you can work muscles in one particular area, you cannot selectively lose fat from one area of your body. There are exercises and ways of reducing overall fat, but if you tend to hold fat in one area (usually either midsection or hips/thighs) it will probably be the first fat to come back and the last fat to go. I know, that fat sooo overstays its welcome, how rude. Some females among us might wish that say, we held fat most stubbornly in our boobs, but it's rare. In fact, the only way to get a smaller caboose is to burn fat. Leg lifts and lunges are not going to do it, any more than crunches are going to burn fat just from your stomach. Just. Can't. Happen. So while you may have a general weight loss goal, exercise and any other little thing is never going to help you lose weight "especially in your butt." You may have to resign yourself to a more balanced program or simply suffer the screaming 'razzi.

On to 2. I could take your butt-reducing goal one of two ways, depends on the sincerity with the quote above. One possibility is that you are simply saying this because you are following one of the golden female rules, Always say something denigrating about one of your better physical features. Because we have all this body weirdness in our society, it's almost taken for granted that anyone with a desirable body is supposed to say negative things about their physique and express some measure of real or faux insecurity. Celebrities do it all the time, and I think it gets almost as tiring as bragging, though it does serve to draw attention to said body part in the same way. So-and-so Skinny Celebrity hates her legs! She often doesn't feel sexy, even though she's posed provocatively in the pages of magazines extolling her beauty. Awww. Gee, I know I feel so much better now, knowing that someone considered phenomenally beautiful despises herself too. There's sisterhood for you.

But it is possible yeah right that you actually want to lose some junk from the trunk, because all those photographers clamoring for your rear view have become tiresome. To that I would say, you were perhaps hoping they would focus on your good work in cancer research or your chess master skills instead? Umm, look, I know the old Paris Hilton quote about your behind is featured in every story on you. Her statement was what we sometimes call, "the green-eyed monster" or...
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